Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

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Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Tue Dec 26, 2017 10:21 pm

Coleman, Florida, United Systems Alliance

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Dr. Martin Shkreli, VP of Acelera Pharmaceuticals: I did not deserve to be convicted of securities fraud. Where is my due process? I should have been tried in a Trattorian court, not in your lousy federal ones.
USA soldier: Shut up, at least the prosecutors let you keep your exclusive, one-of-a-kind Woo Tang Clan album.

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Pleb "Low Energy" Bush, former governor of Florida: Jeez, the Republicuck National Committee really took a dump on me since the primaries, haven't they. When did I start getting assigned to prisoner escort duty?

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Immortal Optio: The Accountant has ordered us to continue the Immortal invasion of the USA, and capture that pharma executive for his corporate secrets. Stealing that Woo Tang Clan album wouldn't hurt either.

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Acelera Compliance Unit soldier 1: I never really liked Dr. Shkreli.
Acelera soldier 2: Shut up, we have a job to do.

USA: Scratch
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Units: 10 troops, hardsuit, prison truck, Pleb Bush armed with coffee and a guac bowl (hero)
Objective: Keep Dr. Shkreli and his Woo Tang Clan album

Immortals: Dilanski
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Units: 10 troops, speeder, Optio (hero)
Objective: Kidnap Dr. Shkreli and steal his Woo Tang album to sell amongst themselves for the glory of the Immortal Empire.

Acelera Pharmaceuticals: Colette
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Objective: Preferably retrieve Dr. Shkreli, or prevent him from falling into enemy hands otherwise, and steal the Woo Tang album to pay for the rescue mission.


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Overwatch.

Turn order: Immortals (dilanski), USA (Scratch), Acelera (colette)
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Tue Dec 26, 2017 10:44 pm

Immortals

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The Immortal speeder prepares to charge at the USA forces.

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It moves in, all guns blazing, but totally misses all of its shots.

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The Optio, disappointed at his subordinate’s failure, moves up with his troops to demonstrate how it’s done through leadership.

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Every Immortal trooper misses the USA squad, including the out-of-range squad in the back and two crit-fails who trip and drop their shields. The Optio is the only Immortal unit to even hit his target this turn, but fails to do enough damage.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Tue Dec 26, 2017 11:10 pm

USA

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Pleb Bush: I believe this situation calls for one of my signature campaign speeches. You guys might want to plug your ears with earwax.

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Pleb Bush clambers on top of the truck for his “inspirational” speech.
Pleb Bush: I won’t be a divider-in-chief or an agitator-in-chief. I won’t be out there blowharding, talking a big game without backing it up. I think the next president needs to be a lot quieter, but send a signal that we’re prepared to act in the national security interests of this country to get back in the business of creating a more peaceful world.
Pleb Bush: Please clap.

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Optio: Fuck you and your demockracy! Immortalis!
Unfortunately, Pleb Bush’s boring speech feat fails in its intended purpose of putting the Immortal forces to sleep, and instead riles them up and inspires them with a +1 skill bonus next turn.

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The truck then rams the Immortal speeder, knocking off 3 size points (2 remaining) from the latter and 1 from itself.

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The USA troopers and hardsuit move up. One crit-fails and the rest find difficulty penetrating the Immortal shields.

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However, one gets lucky and kills his Immortal counterpart.

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Afterwards, a USA soldier kills the speeder pilot and hijacks it, while Pleb Bush clambers down from the truck to squad up.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Tue Dec 26, 2017 11:16 pm

Acelera

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The Acelera troops move up and fire on the Immortals.

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One crit-fails, but two hit their marks.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Tue Dec 26, 2017 11:31 pm

Immortals

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Optio: Fuck you guys.
The Optio grabs one of his own soldiers and prepares to fling him at Pleb Bush.

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He succeeds, disrupting the entire squad and Pleb.

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The Optio and the troops then split fire between the speeder pilot and Pleb. While the speeder pilot survives, Pleb critfails his redshirt roll and bites the dust.

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Pleb Bush: Oh the pain...is this how my politikal career will end? How ignominious...maybe I should have been tougher on peach immigration.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Tue Dec 26, 2017 11:52 pm

USA

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The USA speeder swerves in an arc, disrupting the remaining undisrupted Immortal Phalanxes.

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The prison truck rams into the Immortals, killing three of them. At this point, only 4 disrupted Phalanxes and the Optio remain.

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One USA soldier takes out the thrown Phalanx at point-blank range, execution style.

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Two others dispatch another Phalanx.

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The other wing of USA troopers take out the last two Phalanxes, although one USA trooper gets disrupted.

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The hardsuit tries to fire at the Optio, but instead critfails and breaks his gun from overheating.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Tue Dec 26, 2017 11:58 pm

Acelera

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An ACU trooper shoots the USA trooper on the Immortal speeder and takes it for himself.

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The other four ACU troops mow down 3 of their USA counterparts.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Wed Dec 27, 2017 12:09 am

Immortals

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The Immortal Optio, as a defiant final act, casts aside his gun and instead picks up the mangled body of Pleb Bush.

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He then proceeds to desecrate the body, demoralizing the USA troops.

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The Optio then pisses on the politician's body after he’s finished.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby dilanski » Wed Dec 27, 2017 12:11 am

It has been a rather poor showing for the Immortals, for which I must apologize. However going out by pissing on Pleb!'s rotting corpse? I think that is how Warhead would want it.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Wed Dec 27, 2017 12:22 am

USA

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The USA troops gun down the Optio, who grins and shouts with his dying breath: “Eat shit and die you baseball playing tossers. American comedies aren't even funny.”

Immortals eliminated

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The other USA troops knock off another size point from the speeder.

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Finally, the prison truck backs up and rams into the speeder, destroying it and killing its Acelera pilot.
Dr. Shkreli: Hey man, watch it, I’m back here.

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The USA hardsuit tries to slap an ACU troop with the remains of its gun, but fails to inflict any damage.
Last edited by Colette on Wed Dec 27, 2017 12:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Wed Dec 27, 2017 12:32 am

Acelera

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One Acelera trooper fires on Dr. Shkreli’s glass jail pod, breaking it open, while the other three fire on their USA counterparts and kill one. One of the ACU troops critfails and falls over.

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Acelera soldier: I’ll be taking that Woo Tang album, thankyee very much
Dr. Shkreli: Hey, that’s mine!
Acelera soldier: It’s in your employment contract, all officers of the company below the rank of senior or executive vice president will provide for their own rescue missions.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Wed Dec 27, 2017 12:44 am

USA

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The hardsuit picks up a fallen trooper’s rifle and blows off the torso of the Acelera trooper on the truck, coating Dr. Shkreli in blood and guts.
Dr. Shkreli: Eek!

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The USA troopers then mow down the remaining Acelera troops, as Dr. Shkreli can only look on in horror and realizes he really is going to USA federal prison.

Acelera eliminated
USA victory
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Scratch » Wed Dec 27, 2017 12:45 am

GG, always a great time to play in these, thanks for hosting. Woo Tang Clan ain't nothin to fuck wit'.
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Colette wrote:You're free to make your own map from scratch, however.

All you have to do is flatten his head.

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Captain-Camper wrote:tl;dr I'm just going to assume don't be like voin and be more like scratch.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby Colette » Wed Dec 27, 2017 12:51 am

Epilogue

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Dr. Shkreli: I didn't have anything to do with sending those Acelera troops, I swear, the corporation did it themselves
USA Soldier: Let's see how the judge likes to hear that, little Twattorian boi. You're going in the can for a long time.
Dr. Shkreli: No, please, I'll do anything, not a longer sentence!
USA Soldier: Well you know, that Woo Tang Clan album could be a nice gift...

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Final Overwatch.
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Re: Battle in the Chat: Woo Tang Clash

Postby motorhead fan » Wed Dec 27, 2017 5:00 am

I love how in the end they all came together to form one big clump of guts.
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