ForlornCreature wrote:Well that was dissapointing
there are some whiney bitches in this group. But that's okay, I'm flexible. I'm willing to fudge some dice rolls to get you out of the game faster if that's what you'd prefer. Meanwhile:
The death-defying Akkadian demonstrates the secondary function of an Akkadian Axe Guitar by busting out the opening riff of Blut Von Akkad. Flames burst from the lava and everyone feels inspired to greater manliness.
He then turns around and finally decapitates that Ork. His brother Akkadian wrestles with the robot gunner, but is unable to throw it in the lava.
The surviving Orks tip their modest wall over onto the sinking tank trap, using it as a temporary half-bridge. The Shitgoats are close behind with their own much bigger wall, expanding it all the while with more blocks as they pass over the lava crust.
The Dimmies continue to rush towards the beer, heedless of all danger. One impales himself on the spikes ringing the island, while the leader manages to sever an artery on the barbed-wire fence. Two down, one remaining: the last surviving Dimmy clears the spikes and climbs onto the island, grabbing the machine gun barrel for support.
The Vol are extremely inspired by the guitar solo, and Sprint across the lava crust. Cracks open beneath their feet, but their speed carries them forward. One trips and falls, one doesn't quite reach the safety of the inner rim, and two realize there's no place to land and crash mightily into the backs of the Shitgoats. No one is hurt, but those two now have shitgoat shit all over themselves - disgusting!
The Mateys are equally inspired by Akkadian metal, and one puts on a powdered wig (where did he get that?) and begins singing a sea shanty. "Yarr, harr, fiddle-de-dee! Being a pirate is all right to be! Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free, you are a pirate!
" The other mateys dance a jig.
Meanwhile, Pablo's Men have had enough of the final Peach Raider. Disrupted and helpless, he has no chance to defend himself while they carve him to pieces.
PEACH RAIDERS ELIMINATED
The Brikians finally arrive, bringing a pile of blocks with them. Three of them gang up on the chainblade-wielding Pablo's Man, swinging their blocks wildly - to no avail. All three miss. Despite a hefty skill penalty against multiple attackers, the knight manages to kill one of them in a Counterattack.
The Necromancers are watching events unfold on the island, and see the Brittanians drawing dangerously close to reaching the beer. Already pumped from the Akkadian music, this throws them into emergency mode. "OUTTA THE WAY!!!" they yell, slashing weapons at anyone standing between them and the Mateys' platform. Two Necromancers attack the chainblade knight, barely doing enough damage to kill him. The lead Necromancer, on the other hand, does 11 damage with his mace, splitting the final Pablo's Man in half.
SIR PABLO'S MEN ELIMINATED
The mace-wielding Necromancer picks up his fallen opponent's sword, while the unarmed Necromancer sprints up to collect the chainblade.
The Tanaris troops receive incoming orders from Tanaris leadership. "Attack the Brittanians and take their guns!" "But they don't have --" "Shut up and follow orders!" The troops are confused, it's almost as if their commander has been watching a different battle. But they see a Brittanian with a morningstar, and that seems like as close as they're going to get.
What happens next is very strange. A lone Tanaris troop runs up to sneak-attack the mounted Brittanian, rolls his 1d6... and scores a ridiculous 20 points of damage. This blows through the rider's 4 Armor like Brittanian tissue paper and the Overkill carries through into the Crazy Horse.
The Horse has two Size points of 1d6 Armor against the remaining 16 points of damage. For the first d6, the Horse rolls... a 13. It's wounded, losing a point of Size Damage. For the second point, against the remaining 3 damage, it rolls....... another 20
, and survives.
Naturally, this mutant super-Crazy Horse is now super-Crazy pissed off, and Counterattacks the trooper for 9 damage, killing him thoroughly. Enraged, two more Tanaris troops run up to grab their leader's hatchet and the rider's morningstar, and try to take out the Crazy Horse's final point of Size Damage. Both hit, and both crit-fail their damage rolls. The Crazy Horse is unstoppable.
High atop the island fence, the lead Ewok struggles to free himself from the barbed wire, but fails. Meanwhile, C3P0 and the other Ewoks are working together to form a living bridge across the lava. The two Ewoks cut themselves badly on the spikes, but survive, while Greedo begins douchily walking across their backs.
The two FELC troops trampled under the Crazy Horses' feet try to work together to push one of the Horses off of themselves and into the lava below. Their rolls fail, and they're stuck there for another turn.
The two FELC troops left behind on the fingers pick themselves up and rush the wounded Crazy Horse. In its damaged state, it's unable to resist their shove effectively, and lands in the lava, which finally burns through its last point of Size Damage. R.I.P., Super Crazy Horse.
Meanwhile, the Old Dudes are pissed off at the harlot Big-Boob Girls and shove the hairbrush-armed Girl into the lava. She dies.
As the Old Dudes line up along the knuckles of the fingers to stop the Big Boob Girls from hopping over, the Girls try a different tactic. As one retrieves the hairbrush before it sinks into the lava, the other two go over to the Steampunk Engineers' bridge, which they are just finishing up. Realizing that the Engineers missed their booby show in the first turn, the two girls begin lewdly rubbing and groping each other in a gross betrayal of all the advances of modern feminism. "Oh we just LOVE steampunk." "And your bridge is so LONG and RIGID."
Meanwhile, on the island, everyone rolls badly. It's like punishment for all those 20s earlier. The two Crazy Horses run up to shove the gunners, but fail. The Brittanians hop off their mounts to attack a gunner (fails) and climb over the barbed wire (failed, stuck). The only Brittanian who makes any progress whatsoever is the one on the dead spiked Crazy Horse. He climbs up onto the island to take control of the machine gun. But even that fails, since there are so many people fighting around it that there's no room to turn it to aim at anybody.
That's the turn for everyone on the west side of the battlefield, so that's halfway through. I've got orders for just about everyone on the east side, I'll finish them and the gunners tomorrow.