Goldman Sucks Group Inc.
Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2017 10:55 am
"The bank that rules the galaxy."
The Goldman Sucks Group Inc. is the most prominent and powerful investment bank in the local intergalactic cluster. The firm provides numerous services, including investment banking, asset management, mergers & acquisitions, and dealing with the stock market and other financial instruments. Although most galactic banks prefer market stability, Goldman Sucks is known for its ruthless crusade for profit and its embrace of khaos and catastrophe, engineering entire galactic financial crises and wars if they can make a quick buck off of it.
Many of its former employees move on to government positions after retiring, and their notable alumni include Trattorian Chief Comptrollers, USA Treasury Secretaries, and Governors of the Bank of Britannia among numerous other high officials throughout the galaxy. This allows the firm unprecedented influence with many major galactic governments, leading to its nickname, ”the bank that rules the galaxy”.
Every employee once began as a lowly intern, the bottom of the firm’s pecking order. These guys come in practically limitless quantities and despite having Poison Ivy League degrees are Incompetent (1d4 skill). Interns are often worked many days straight without sleep, sometimes to death, or ordered to do menial and unreasonable tasks such as getting a higher up’s coffee from a specific shop in the middle of an interstellar warzone. Many of the galaxy’s brightest students nonetheless compete against each other to make it into this brutal hazing process, however, in the hopes of netting a coveted full-time position.
The firm adheres to Trattoria-style meritocracy, drawing its diverse staff from across the entire galaxy and beyond without regard to their origins and considering only their merit and performance. Thus the top moneymakers rise up through the ranks while the bottom sinks and gets fired. In addition to merit, however, the firm values loyalty - the firm enforces an almost mafia-like omerta against competitors, clients, and regulators.
A few of these interns rise up and land a full time position, beginning their climb on the corporate ladder. Analysts and Associates, at the bottom, still do most of the heavy lifting and get paid a decent amount. Vice Presidents begin to take on management roles, talk to clients, and make even more money. Managing Directors are the highest position that most of the firm’s young bankers can realistically think about. Although MD’s consider themselves at the top of the chain, with a tremendous of power and eye-watering salaries and bonuses, they are still considered middle management at the firm.
The true leaders of the firm are the small group of meritocratically selected Partners. Arrogantly nicknamed “the masters of the BrikVerse”, they are the nobility of the galactic finance industry. They are paid a billion dollars each as a base salary, not including potentially tens of billions in bonuses and stock options, and several of them have become galactic trillionaires with more wealth than some entire small star empires. The 1% of the 1%, their egos are truly suffocating, with many believing themselves to be the true rulers of the galaxy and some even thinking they’re too good for the BrikVerse and are its gods in minifig form.
The senior management team of Goldman Sucks.
Dr. Irene Kirisaki is the cheerful Chief Executive Officer, Managing Partner, and Chair of the Board of Directors of Goldman Sucks. In her youth, many considered her to have the potential to be one of Trattoria’s greatest mathematicians before she disappointed them by joining the firm. For much of her career, Dr. Kirisaki worked as a quant, a Wall Street mathematician who uses math to cook up exotic and dangerous financial products. She created the Army-Backed Securities that worsened the previous financial crisis, but the money she made for the firm as a result allowed her to quickly rise up. As CEO, she has absolute power over what essentially amounts to an intergalactic star empire as well as the galactic financial markets. Her public appearances are frequently accompanied by protestors, with many seeing her as the face of all that is wrong with galactic capitalism.
The firm’s employees travel in style, especially when meeting with clients, in a variety of chrome-gold plated executive vehicles.
Although normal rich Trattorians have to settle for a mere normal gold-plated Cauchy private shuttle, the firm found the default model to not be luxurious enough and instead commissioned its own fleet of corporate Cauchy shuttles plated with extradimensional chrome gold, the signature of Goldman Sucks vehicles.
Office rooftops landings on a company helicopter are the preferred commuting method for senior executives of the firm.
Nothing less than gold-plated hover Rolls Royces were luxurious enough for the firm’s black car service. To incentivize longer hours and harder work, this service is free to all executives who work in the office past 10pm.
The firm maintains an internal “security” force for varied purposes. Although normal corporate security falls within its purview, it also performs forceful debt collection, raids on competitors and other corporate wetwork, and occasionally more ambitious operations such as overthrowing uncooperative or defaulting governments.
The infantry of the firm are known as the Collateral Recovery Instruments, or CRIs. The firm takes care to do everything it does well, and as such recruits only the best killers and warriors to become CRIs, minifigs who might have become officers or even Heroes in other armies who were swayed by the pay. Chrome gold guns are standard issue to display the wealth of the firm, as are riot shields.
The elite among the CRIs rise up to become officers and honor guard, with chrome-gold plated armor and better chrome gold rifles. These soldiers also usually serve as the personal bodyguards of many of the firm’s senior execs.
When heavier firepower is needed, the firm also has a spider drone tank to deploy. Unlike its executive vehicles, the firm’s military vehicles are painted in the logo’s colorscheme of sand blue and white, with a little bit of chrome gold.
One common use of the CRIs is clearing out the annoying protestors who show up in front of the firm’s offices.