Page 1 of 2

A distracting ostrich feast? LET'S FIGHT!!!!

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:43 am
by pancakeonions
A long time ago, far far away, somewhere in my kitchen, there once was a land ruled by a horrible, small-minded people.  The land of Blokadia.  A land ruled by a king named William Blokheart who was as fierce as he was cruel, and was as cruel as he was stupid.  A land divided by two classes: the ruling Mega Bloks, and the poor, poor underclass Legos.  

Sucks to be a Lego in Blokadia.

King William Blokheart's land was not a vast Kingdom, as about 3 feet by 5 feet was more or less all he could keep track of.

Size doesn’t really matter, does it?

The king's Mega Blok minions were as loyal as they were hideous.  Characterized by rounded edges, cheap-looking paint jobs, and curious details molded right into their bodies and their building materials, they, to the minifig, all suffered from a horrible insecurity that they were, deep down, as ugly on the inside as they were on the outside.  Compounding this insecurity was the fact that many of their greatest buildings were made possible by the support of just one or two Lego bricks in key locations, allowing everything to come together without collapsing.  Many of the curious Lego artifacts of King William Blokheart were too sophisticated for the Mega Blokians to use themselves, inspiring little more than nausea and a deep sense of unease.  These ancient devices were seen as too incomprehensible and fear-inspiring, and were kept under constant guard.

Who knows what terrors lurk within the guarded confines of this mysterious building?

Perhaps due to this deep-seated insecurity, the King ruled with a psychotic, plastic fist.  Laws were arbitrary, justice was swift, punishment terrifyingly random.  Somehow, this suited his brethren Mega Bloks just fine.  However, the Lego underclass frequently bore the brunt of his capricious rule.

This one sneezed on her neighbor’s lunch

This one was caught giving the "dirty whatsitnow" to the King’s daughter

This one farted in church

For those foes he feared the most, King Blokheart reserved a most horrible fate: to dangle over The Edge Of The Table.  No minifig who had ever tumbled off The Edge Of The Table had ever returned.  And the minifigs in the Kingdom of Blokadia, all of whom are notoriously shortsighted, feared the apparently endless Abyss beyond The Edge Of The Table.

omg! noooo!  the horror!  the horror!

But there were two.  Two legos who would not bow before the will of cruel King William Blokheart.  Two who dreamt of greater things.  Two who vowed someday to be free!

Thankfully, Mega Bloks haven’t figured out Door Technology, or this session report would be a lot more difficult for our heroes

As the days grew longer, and the Festival of the Dead Ostriches grew close, Franz von Asstan and Raul Fernando Carlos Sergio Ricardo Guillermo Pedro Francisco de Verde hatched their plan.

Blokadia becomes a hive of activity, as the Legos prepare for the feast of the dead ostriches

Franz and Raul knew that during this Festival, all activity would focus on consuming as many dead ostriches in as short a time as possible.  Legos, of course, were expressly forbidden to consume any ostrich, and would receive only a 1x1 tan-colored flat as their daily ration.  The Mega Bloks would be bloated and sick.  And the Legos would be ready.

The fateful day arrives.  King William Blokheart and his minions eat furiously.  Bu-u-urp!

As the Legos are being led back to their cell by a light guard (everyone else was gorging themselves), Franz gives the signal!

And the die is cast!  There’s no turning back now....

Franz, Raul and their Lego accomplices quickly strangle their single guard (think No Country For Old Men here.  Except the head pops right off.  I’m talkin’ SICK!), take his keys and his weapons, and run for it!

Fleeing the King’s compound, the Legos head to the room where the mysterious ancient artifacts are held

Knowing their only hope lay in breaching the defenses surrounding the King’s treasure hall, Franz and Raul as the only two armed Lego minifigs lead the charge.

Little Timmy gets a little too close, and loses an arm and his life, but the guards are ultimately bested!

And the treasures are distributed: Deadly Lego Weaponry!  The Legos know there are simply too many Mega Bloks to fight, and the best strategy would be to flee the evil Kingdom of Blokadia, muster an army and return later with well-trained soldiers.  They must resist their hot-headed instincts to seek revenge immediately.  But delayed gratification is not a Lego Forte.

As the band teeters on the edge of decision, suddenly Bernadette chimes in!  Her lover is not in the group!  She cannot leave without him!  She cannot leave without her beloved Jean-Louis Zee Collectible!!

But I love heeem more zan I love zis flamethrower!  Oui, it iz true!

And so they return.

Hmmmm...  Let’s take these towers back this time, so we can get some cool photos of all this stuff that took hours to make.

But where is Bernadette’s beloved?  No!  It can’t be true!  He hangs above the Abyss!  How will they ever rescue him in time!

Oui!  It is moi!  Jean-Louis Zee Collectible!

The intrepid Legos make their way across the precarious Mega Blok catwalks, thankful for the presence here and there of a Lego brick, assuring them they shall make it to their destination without anything collapsing.  

I mean really, who the hell put these things together?  What were they possibly thinking?

The Legos arrive at Castle Blokadia, and the battle is joined!  Albeit somewhat reluctantly, as the ostrich wasn’t quite finished yet.  

My bloodlust for Lego blood only just exceeds my appetite for plastic ostrich!  KILLLLL!!!!

The Legos strike first, and Bernadette’s flamethrower finds the Mega Blok knights are delightfully flammable.

FWOOOOSH!  Oh, what fun!

But King Blokheart is unfazed.  He shrugs at his bodyguard, indicating they should summon a few extra dudes.  To help finish off all the extra feasting that will be necessary once they get all the dead Legos on the grill.

The holy thingamujig is placed on the sacred whatchamacallit, and some light goes off.  This doesn’t bode well for the Legos.  

A distant rumble rolls across the battlefield as two ancient combatants, sworn to protect their smaller Mega Blok brethren, rumble into action.  Abigail the grey ogre and Charlotte the red ogre have arrived on the scene.  

“I say Charlotte, but was that the summoning bell?”  
“Why Abigail, I believe it was.  Shall we assist?”
“That would be quite sporting of us, now wouldn’t it?”

Fake hair on a plastic minifig?  What unholy abomination has arrived to wreak havoc on the battlefield?  The Legos will soon know the unspeakable answer to this dreadful question.  

Knowing their destiny rode the king’s crane, Franz and Raul rushed forward, knocking the King Blokheart off balance, and sending him crashing below.  A Lego archer pitches in for good measure, offing the Mega Blok who summoned the Hairy Ogres.  

Offta!  Outta my way, greenskin!

The fighting continues, fast and furious, in the courtyard of Castle Blokadia as Franz and Raul make their way along the precarious passage to the crane of torture.

C’mon Asstan, speed ‘er up!  Shut up Verde, I’m really tired of your pushiness!

Suddenly there is a terrible crash!  The Ogres have arrived!  The reinforcements will surely overwhelm the Legos!

Oh my word if this fence isn’t quite a bother.  There we are.  Just a wee bit of remodeling and we’re set to go.  Jolly good.

Franz and Raul begin to climb to save their compatriot, Jean-Louis.  They order the other Legos to remain below, and defend their position.

#*^@! idiot Mega Bloks haven’t even invented elevators yet!

The reinforcements arrive, and the situation grows dire for the Legos.

There will be blood!

Delightful!  I do declare, Abigail, they’re as tasty as a crumpet!  You really must try one!

Our heroes arrive at their station, and begin to manipulate the crude machinery.  They must get their hero ally Jean-Louis into action if they hope to turn this battle!

Hurry Raul, hurry!  We’ve no time to waste!

The Crane of Torture turns!  Jean-Louis will be saved!

Sacre bleuuuuuuuuuuu!

Suddenly, a scream of horror rises above the din of the battle!  Bernadette has fallen!  Oh, Jean Louis!  What will you do!

Like, Ow!  

Jean-Louis thinks to himself furiously.  This is a time for heroes.  A time for Heroic Action.  He shall declare an action so Heroic, few before or after will possibly believe it possible, when he makes his roll.  Jean-Louis, dangling upside down from the Crane of Torture, declares that he shall catapult himself free of the Crane, leap onto the back of the Evil Mega Bloks Knight, and stab him so fiercely that Time Itself will turn back, allowing him to bring back his beloved Bernadette.  He rolls a “1”.  The Mega Bloks player smirks and declines to roll, insisting he has a different fate in mind for Jean Louis.  

Indeed, Charlotte.  This one tastes like a croissant!

The situation looks dire for the Legos.  The last of the defenders perish, and the Mega Bloks begin their slow, inexorable climb to destiny.

Franz and Raul serious wished they’d nabbed a ranged weapon from the armory...

Suddenly, they hear the loud flapping of giant wings from high above them... Could it be?  Have the great eagles of the Misty Mountains come to save our brave Lego heroes?

Not eagles... but three flying horses!

Swooping down from out of the ether, a flying horse knocks the closest Mega Blok warrior from the top of the crane!

Hey guys, need a lift?

And away flew Franz and Raul.

Off into the clouds above Blokadia they flew, to raise a proper army and return again another day.

We shall return!

Thus ends this battle story from the Old Age... a prequel to the battles of the Wizard Tower, Strange Airship and Lost Village.


pancakeonions played the Legos and kumabot played the hapless Mega Bloks.  You can see all of the photos from this battle at Kumabot's Flickr photoset:

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 3:07 am
by Warhead
A vastly enjoyable and admirable read. And an amazing fight, you guys have a great style and I really wish I had a ton of Mega Bloks to war against. I'll look forward to the next thrilling instalment.

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 4:06 am
by Zahru II
This was incredibly fun fight, I ADORE your battles.

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 7:08 am
by Theblackdog
My favorite battle of yours yet.  The captions were hilarious and the photos were set up really well.  Awesome work.

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:49 pm
by Ross_Varn
Gods I love your writing style. These have to be the most entertaining battle reports I've ever read. Great job!

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 10:11 pm
by Silent-sigfig

that was the greatest write up I've seen in a while.

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 10:50 pm
by DarthBrik
i loled at the farting in church one...  :lol:

Btw nice battle.

PostPosted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 2:48 pm
by aoffan23
Once again, I had a blast reading this. Every one of your reports is amazing, I await the next episode of hilarity.

PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:39 pm
by Craigallot
Lol! Does Jean-Louis Zee Collecteeble just have boneriffic stats or is he really that unlucky? He's almost worse than Kenny :lol:

PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:36 pm
by Jbgarrison
These characters and story are brilliant!  I wonder if they'd find a place on the wiki in the greater BW mythos.

PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 2:22 pm
by jodokast
Wow, awesome battle!  And it was incredibly well written.

PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 1:24 pm
by pancakeonions
aww you guys are too nice.   such kind words for a guy who owns far too many mega bloks to gain any street cred with the afol crowd...

but you know what would really warm the cockles of my heart?  if you all put out an impassioned plea to Kumabot to sign up and say hello.  maybe he could set up a tutorial for how to take totally bitchen photos for your next field report?  

i think the poor guy's been traumatized because i usually make him play the mega bloks (but he really does get a charge outta killing Jean Louis in every game, so who am i to deny him this one joy?) so that i can't get him to sign up.

c'mon Kumabot!  they love your work!  you're an artist here!

PS Jean Louis' true stats are top secret, as is, apparently, the loaded die Kumabot keeps slipping me when i need to make teh awesum rol to save his pickle.  sure makes for excellent battle reports, non?

PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 4:13 pm
by Warhead
I don't do impassioned to well but I'll try... er-hemm *cough*

Kumabot, sign up or I'll cut yar man parts off. There, how's that?

Seriously though, if you were goingto be trolled for Mega-shit it would have happened already... oops. Nah, since reading this and seeing some of RayHawks Mega Bloks mutations I've been planning on using my Sons Pirates and Undead Mega-Bloks in my own battles. We always need enemies.  :D

PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 8:50 pm
by Ross_Varn
Aye, and the worse quality the enemy is, the more fun it is to throw them into the hordes of your motal enemy, the blasted lego, and watch them explode into tiny bits of gore.

Hopefully killing the other guys as well, of course.

Come on, Kuma, mate. We need more of your kind here!  :D

PostPosted: Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:54 pm
by kumabot
Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback.  Fighting these battles has been a lot of fun, even when pancakeonions at the last second pulls a frakking flock of flying unicorns from out of his butt to save his heroes from total destruction.