[FoF18] An Ode to the Concave Dolphin

BrikWars fiction in long-prose form. Trigger warning: Walls of text

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[FoF18] An Ode to the Concave Dolphin

Postby SirCheese » Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:26 pm

The following poem is a lighthearted reminiscence to Xx_Noah_xX 's infamous Armoury post a few years ago: viewtopic.php?f=17&t=13942
It follows a (very) loose rhyme scheme and (also loose) pattern of ten syllables a line. Enjoy!  :D



An Ode to the Concave Dolphin
By: SirCheese

Ah Concave Dolphin, that merry band fierce,
Of whom members revered with screams that pierced.
Stubby and Tzan raised their hands with a cry:
“This fun troop is SO much cooler than I!”

And so, to legend the Dolphin did go,
Their deeds dwarfed by their appearance and show.
Many chastised Noah for his work. Yet,
This poem was made for his memories in murk.

Boneriffic horse! So.. lean! So neat?
The first member of the Dolphin, no small feat.
His torso was brutalized and replaced,
That his legs were man, and horse was his face.

Next would be the great Frobo the Swaggins!
A vandalized Grimace cast out in bins.
Yet Noah found the block and found him good,
His better judgement not working as it should.

Noah rubbed his hands. “What can I do next?
I know! A gungan, broken like the rest!”
And so, we see legendary Krust KrAb,
A horror worse than what the prequels had.

With a half-decent gun and chewed-up-head,
Empororororer PalpaPee said:
“I am the leader of the Concave Dolphin,
For these are my friends, my pals, and my kin.”

“Yethir!” Said Derpa Fett, a man with lisp,
“We’ll rule the galaxy all cool and crithp!”
A shame Derpa’s helmet was all cracked,
He died when a rock hit his face and smacked.

But who could forget the brave Daffy Duck?
The last member of the dolphin... What a shmuck.
Like, you can’t even tell what he might be.
Maybe a zombie duck stung by ten bees?

Standing proudly together we all gawked,
What monster could make something so corrupt?
But Noah stood by and simply snickered.
“I knew they’d rage” He’d already figured.

And so, the legend of the Dolphin slept.
Cuz honestly, it’s something that we’d rather forget.
And yet they are still engraved in our minds,
A legend of Noah’s beautiful horrific finds.
I made this account when I was twelve. And then I went away for six years. And now I'm baaaaaack???
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Re: [FoF18] An Ode to the Concave Dolphin

Postby Omega Prime » Tue Apr 24, 2018 12:17 am

:tiger:
gotta love knitting needles. i can make you a scarf. i can make a hat. i can stab your eyes out. i can make mittens.

What was that middle part again?

i can make a hat
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Re: [FoF18] An Ode to the Concave Dolphin

Postby Tzan » Tue Apr 24, 2018 10:36 am

Haha! nice!   :D
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Re: [FoF18] An Ode to the Concave Dolphin

Postby Omega Prime » Sun May 13, 2018 11:12 pm

Alright, judging time! Technically, I'm a secondary judge, but whatever.
Fun: 9.9/10 - This is honestly one of the best things I have ever seen on the forums. The wording was great. "A horror worse than what the prequels had." /r/prequelmemes would take offense. It was a funny, charming piece that makes great use of an unconventional format. I'm not giving 10/10 because there's always something wrong, but 9.9 is close enough, right?
Transformation: 3/10 - I can't give many points for this category, because it is just a poem about an existing organisation. I mean, you changed it from an armory post to a poem, so that counts for something...
Depth: 7/10 - I'm not completely sure how to interpret this category, but it does explore the idea of Noah having impaired judgement and all that, so 7 it is!

Presentation: 10/10 - The presentation on this was pretty much flawless. It's a poem with 4-line blocks and rhyme schemes. What more is there to ask for?

Total: 19.9 --> pretty much 20 for these purposes
gotta love knitting needles. i can make you a scarf. i can make a hat. i can stab your eyes out. i can make mittens.

What was that middle part again?

i can make a hat
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Re: [FoF18] An Ode to the Concave Dolphin

Postby ninja_bait » Mon May 14, 2018 10:11 am

Fun 10/10 What's not fun about rhyming longform poetry?
Transformation 5/10 I think there's some interesting work being done to develop backstories for these nasty bois but otherwise sticking close to the source material
Depth 6/10 See above - scope is pretty shallow.  Needs some stronger character arcs, maybe some plot points.  I want epic poetry, not minstrel songs.
Presentation 6/10 The looseness of the structure is dissatisfying to me.

Score is 21+6
I make spaceships and spaceship accessories.
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Re: [FoF18] An Ode to the Concave Dolphin

Postby Quantumsurfer » Mon May 14, 2018 5:30 pm

Filling in as third judge.

Fun: 9/10
Transformation: 4/10
Depth: 5/10

Presentation: 8/10


TOTAL: 18
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Re: [FoF18] An Ode to the Concave Dolphin

Postby Quantumsurfer » Mon May 14, 2018 5:32 pm

FINAL SCORE 58.9
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Re: [FoF18] An Ode to the Concave Dolphin

Postby SirCheese » Mon May 14, 2018 10:49 pm

HAYYYY!!

Thanks guys! I'm really happy you all found it fun!  :D  :D
I made this account when I was twelve. And then I went away for six years. And now I'm baaaaaack???
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