[FoF18] [Maeby's Cannon] Children of Ragnablok

BrikWars fiction in long-prose form. Trigger warning: Walls of text

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Re: [FoF18] [Maeby's Cannon] Children of Ragnablok

Postby Omega Prime » Sun May 13, 2018 11:30 pm

Judging time! Jeez, this thing is long.
Fun: 7/10 - This piece merits a 7, due to the excellent interactions between characters in the story. However, there was not much fun to be found otherwise, due to the theme of this piece being more serious. It's still an excellent work, however.
Transformation: 9/10 - The story shakes things up a bit by throwing every major power ever in the Nehellenium into chaos, destroying the most populated planets. That's a serious change, but its not that big(like eliminating half the galaxy altogether). The score comes from how cleverly you managed tie that into the plot.
Depth: 9/10 - Reading off of the contest descriptor, it says the Depth category is "Relating to the quality and scope of the exploration of the idea presented.  This is about what is." While I don't exactly know what this is referring to, the idea/change here was explored very thoroughly, so nice job!

Presentation: 8/10 - The story was told in traditional book format, with gaps in between where others posted. Can't really find fault with that

Total: 25/30
gotta love knitting needles. i can make you a scarf. i can make a hat. i can stab your eyes out. i can make mittens.

What was that middle part again?

i can make a hat
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Re: [FoF18] [Maeby's Cannon] Children of Ragnablok

Postby ninja_bait » Mon May 14, 2018 10:40 am

Fun 6/10 I read through the first few posts, but skimmed through the rest until Lechranger showed up.  There's a lot of words, and not every story thread stayed engaging.
Transformation 8/10 Big world ending events, good character responses, but also sometimes just another day in the BrikVerse.
Depth 8/10 I appreciated the references - a little Expanse, a little Battlestar, a little Mad Max.  I gotta dock points since the story is unfinished.
Presentation 7/10 It's nothing special, but it's fine.

Score is 22+7
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Re: [FoF18] [Maeby's Cannon] Children of Ragnablok

Postby Quantumsurfer » Mon May 14, 2018 5:26 pm

Filling in as third judge.

Fun: 8/10
Transformation: 8/10
Depth: 8/10

Presentation: 8/10


TOTAL: 24
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Re: [FoF18] [Maeby's Cannon] Children of Ragnablok

Postby Quantumsurfer » Mon May 14, 2018 5:33 pm

FINAL SCORE 71
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Re: [FoF18] [Maeby's Cannon] Children of Ragnablok

Postby Colette » Tue Jun 19, 2018 11:32 pm

Planet Trion, Trion Empire

The doors blasted off their hinges, splinters of supersonic wood and iron piercing through the fleshy bodies of the Trionian guards crouching behind it. Fragments, body parts, and bloodstains rained onto the red carpet of the hewed-stone throne room. They were not alone. Skeletons of former peaches littered the cold, rocky steps, their edges jagged and unsanded down. Even now flakes of brown blood had soaked themselves into the rock, despite all the abortive cleaning efforts of the still-living peach slaves. At the top rested a wrought iron chair with unrefined geometries inlaid with red-transparent rubies. Kaiser Alec II, Herr Direktor of the Third Alliance, leaned with both of his hands on his red Nova Sword. His suit and his top hat remained impeccable, but battles won had tattered the cloak that billowed behind him.

The Trion Empire was an advanced empire, civilized, yes, but it was not comfortable. It was not sophisticated. They disdained the clean pomposity of the Trattorians and the Assyrians and the Praetorians, all their sworn enemies not just by paper but also by blood. War was brutal but not brutish - a roaring passion but driven not by blind ignorance, but by the mechanical aim towards victory. Their whole lives, as minifigs and as a nation, had prepared them for this day.

Kaiser Alec, the second of his name, rose and stepped forward, crushing a peach skull underfoot with his steel-toed boot as he advanced towards his foe. Backlit by the unwelcome brilliance of machine gun flashes, a gold statue emerged from the smoke unperturbed by it all. Its form paralleled the gleaming pair of near-naked muscular bronze statuary that stood on either side of the throne. It was, however, a statue that moved, a statue that heaved, lumbering its unnatural, abominable body into the room, into existence against all the laws of magik.

As Alec II reached the foot of the stairs, he dismissed his Ubermensch with a wave of his fingers. Ever loyal, for the first time in his life the Ubermensch looked unsure as the Kaiser had to repeat the gesture to confirm his intentions. Packs of muscle and inch-thick black armor shifting, the Ubermensch swung his trans-red axe, its head larger than himself, and stepped aside.

"Kaiser Klaus II," Alec II began, "I'm so glad you could make it."

Klaus Jr. answered with a golden bolt out of nowhere, which his Trionian counterpart dodged with a swing of his hip.

"It's too bad we don't know where his majesty Uberkaiser Piltogg is. I guess you're stuck with me for now."

Three more bolts. Swinging would not do the trick here, Alec II ducked onto the ground to avoid them all as they collided into each other with the high-pitched whine of metal scraping against metal.

"I don't think you get it, do you, my old friend?" Alec II continued, utilizing parkour to slide towards Klaus II while tilting away from another gold magic bolt. This one flew by him and into the red-transparent stained-glass window behind him, shattering scenes of battle and giving way to the scene of real battle outside. Unfiltered by the window's color, all could see the blue of the Bavarian cruisers and dreadnoughts outside raining death onto Trion, pummeling the classical German architecture. The half-collapsed dome of the Third Alliance headquarters, the largest marble one in the galaxy, outlined the skyline.

"I'm in charge here!" Alec II declared, just as he lunged with his Nova Sword. Straight towards the heart, or where the heart would be were it not for the reanimated Klaus Junior's hideous, artificial form. His best scientists had conducted secret research on the matter and assured him that he could end it all with one true hit to Klaus II's soul gem.

And he was the Kaiser of Trion. His father had been the first Uberkaiser of the Third Alliance, and it was the blood that ran through his veins. It was the blood that ran through the veins of all Trionians.

It was that blood that would not permit him to miss.

With a sickening hiss, the Nova Sword penetrated Klaus II's metallic body with the light resistance of a sirloin steak, before Alec II sliced it out with a dramatic flick. A little bit of melted gold splashed into the air as Klaus II collapsed sideways with an ignominious thud.

Satisfied with himself, Alec II slashed the carpet and glared into the eyes of the Bavarian jaegers, the latter dumbstruck by the death of their sovereign. Leaning his elbow on the hilt of his Nova Sword, planted firmly into the earth, Alec II flashed a smug, toothy grin whose edges pushed into his cheeks from a job well done.

Until he tripped.

Wait, that was not supposed to happen.

Unless…

A furtive glance down revealed a golden blur, that materialized into a fist grabbing his ankle and giving it a sharp twist. With a yelp, Alec II hit the ground on his back, his Nova Sword skidding away from him. The metallic appendage with equal swiftness moved on to grasp his neck, pressing the inexorable metal into his windpipe. As Alec II gasped for air, struggling to acknowledge what was going on although knowing full well, as the golden form morphed itself back into shape, the metal flowing back into the cut with the sound of swishing water.

"I AM KLAUS VON FYNNVARIA, THE SECOND OF MY NAME," the risen Klaus Jr. announced, "KAISER OF THE BAVARIANS, THE FYNNS, AND THE SILVARIANS. AND YOU."

The magikal monstrosity flung Kaiser Alec II into one of the bronze statues, knocking it over. A lesser man might have broken his spine, but Alec II picked himself up with a wince, his top hat knocked off. He had left an impression into the sculpture's chest and knocked its arm off, but he himself was fine besides some bruising.

His scientists must have been wrong. Either he had missed, or -

- or Klaus II's entire body was a soul gem.

Breaking into a run, Kaiser Klaus II launched himself at his rival, both fists ready to crush the latter's lungs, the intervening ribs irrelevant to him. With the Nova Sword out of reach, Alec II grabbed the fallen bronze arm and brought it up to meet Klaus II's head. A dull thud echoed throughout the throne room, as Klaus II took a second to regain his bearings. Alec II leapt at the opportunity, dashing behind and wrapping a chokehold around his opponent's neck. He knew it futile, given his lack of respiratory system, but it at least immobilized him.

As Klaus II waved his arms around in an attempt to free himself or hit Alec II, Alec II lifted him up with one arm and body-slammed him into the ground, chipping stone and leaving a small crater. Alec II could feel a broken ribs on his side, but could not appraise the damage he had inflicted. For good measure, he let out a wave of red Edge lightning out at his opponent in his rage, although it did nothing to his metallic combatant.

Stepping aside, he ducked as the Ubermensch entered the fray axe swinging. The massive implement buried itself into the form of Klaus II, mangling it. The time for gentlemanly fisticuffs had ended, now only a fight for survival remained.

As the Ubermensch continued to bludgeon the Bavarian Kaiser, little golden filaments extruded from the latter and wrapped around the war axe. Grunting in confusion, the Ubermensch lifted it for another swing when the now amorphous body accompanied it, adding unexpected weight and melting into the weapon.

Before he could bring it down for another swing, its head dripped molten gold onto the Ubermensch, burning his flesh with terrible sizzles and cries as it devoured him. Eventually covering the flaming skeleton, Klaus II reformed over the former Ubermensch's body, and his usual faceless visage grew a full set of crooked teeth and smiled a vicious smile. Alec II backed away slowly, trying to reach for his Nova Sword with his Edge powers.

Just when his fingers telekinetically brushed against the Nova Sword, he yelped as he felt all five of them sliced off by a golden blur - a roll of lethally thin, whipped golden foil ejected from Klaus II's outstretched arm. The rest of his left arm followed soon thereafter, julienned into a dozen filets that fell in a bloody pile next to him. He tried his best to hold in the pain and grimaced as he clutched onto his shoulder stump with his good arm, his life pouring out of the wound.

With a scream that wore his vocal chords raw, he clenched his remaining arm and crumpled Klaus II's body with the powers of the Edge.

Klaus II doubled back in pain, hurt by the attack, but recovered and in a single leap, socked Alec II in the jaw and onto the ground. It was over now, Alec II knew it.

"SURRENDER!" Klaus II demanded.

Alec II propped himself up on his arm, and glared at his opponent in the facial indentations it might call eyes.

Bavaria and Trion, the two rivals that pretended to be friends. And now it had been decided.

Collecting a wad for the ages in the back of his mouth, Kaiser Alec II spat on Klaus II despite his damaged throat.

With a single crunch of his fist, Klaus II compressed the former Kaiser into a five centimeter cube of flesh that clattered to the ground.

He had done it.

He owned the Third Alliance now.

Throwing back his head, Klaus II let out an animalistic roar of triumph in both sound and psyche, deafening the unfortunate Jaegers in the room.
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