Wow, great critique pesgores. The amount of times you see revues about shows or books that go...
"Ah well, I would have read/watched it but I couldn't be arse quite frankly. Stayed home and played navel fluff hockey instead..."
"It's a bit long."
vulcant13, I'm no expert and you don't know me so not sure you want my constructive criticism but is it meant to read like an old style fem-fatal/gum shoe type novel/movie. If so you need to make it a little grittier IMO, even if they are well to do. Also you don't have to describe everything going on like Bonn-o-Tron. Allow the reader to assume. The readers imagination will fill in the blanks and it will shorten your writing.
The investigator watched curiously as she walked over to the entry table and to her purse. His expression changed to surprise when she pulled a revolver from the confines of her purse.
She walked to the table where her purse rested. His expression changed to surprise at the revolver she produced from within.
...you get the idea.
Hope this helps. Keep up the good work and the more practice the better the results.