A S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Fanfic i have been working on like Bonn-o-Tron.

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Does it suck?

Yes.
3
60%
Yes.
2
40%
 
Total votes : 5

A S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Fanfic i have been working on like Bonn-o-Tron.

Postby razgriz 25th inf. » Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:15 pm

Lately i have been working on a fanfic and i would like to share it, as it does no good just sitting around on my hard drive. Anyways, i'll give the prologue first:
S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Through the shadow of The Valley of Death.

Prologue


"Though I walk through the shadow of The Valley of Death, I will fear no evil, because i got this Big Fucker on my side!" I said.
"Yeah, Yeah." Said Fatass, our squads heavy weapons specialist. "We shall all get a chance to kick those god damned Bandits out of here."
"Yes, but your big ass will protect me from bullets, no?" Said Groka. "Shut up, all of you!" Cryed Checknov. We all grumbled a "Sorry."
Tomorrow was a raid on the Bandits camped out deep in Zaton. They were harrassing patrols of Loners and that was unacceptable.
So, our team, just a small Loner squad, opted to go take care of them. My name is Dimitry Chelinov. This isn't a story of honor, or victory, or
heroism, or anything like that. This is simply a tale of daily life in The Zone. It has no happy ending.


So yeah, i have a couple chapters already done, i just wanted to see if you guys thought this was worth anything. I will warn ahead of time, for those that want to play Call of Pripyat, this fic has spoilers in it. But yeah, C+C is welcome.

EDIT: If i can manage to find the fanart i drew a while ago, i'll post those too.
EDIT-EDIT: Added poll.
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Postby razgriz 25th inf. » Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:00 pm

Sorry about the double post, but you guys CAN tell me if it sucks, you know that right? I mean, it can't get better without knowing whats wrong.
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Postby Ham701 » Tue Jul 26, 2011 12:17 am

:wtc:
stubby wrote: my floppy penis gets first dibs on it for tradition's sake, but it doesn't seem likely that he'll want to stick around long enough to play.

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Postby 501stCadians » Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:32 am

Ham701 wrote::wtc:
IVhorseman wrote:I'm the Several Hundred Dollar Man!

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Rayhawk wrote:"Give him the stick DON'T GIVE HIM THE STICK" was a major part of Knights Kingdom development.
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Postby mgb519 » Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:58 am

Should I tell him?
Tzan wrote:
Semaj Nagirrac wrote:Well, I took some land without checking if it was owned by a faction or not. I'm not going to be banned, am I? I can destroy everything if need be.


That's what Hitler said,
in 1938.
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Postby razgriz 25th inf. » Tue Jul 26, 2011 12:24 pm

See, that wasnt so bad. (for you anyways) So, why don't we go over just exactly is bad about it shall we?
"If you fuck a clone of yourself, is it incest or masturbation?" - my best friend

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Postby mgb519 » Tue Jul 26, 2011 12:42 pm

YOU DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? WRITE SOMETHING WHERE ANYTHING HAPPENS, AND THEN WE CAN BASH IT ALL YOU WANT. A paraphrase of what you've written so far:

Shitty Fanfic wrote:I have a gun!"
"We're gonna go shoot people now."
"You'll get shot first."
Bad guys attack random people and are douchebags that need to get shot. That's our job. Oh, and our job sucks apparently.
War is hell.

This is like asking someone to critique an entire movie based off of a banner outside the theater.
Tzan wrote:
Semaj Nagirrac wrote:Well, I took some land without checking if it was owned by a faction or not. I'm not going to be banned, am I? I can destroy everything if need be.


That's what Hitler said,
in 1938.
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Postby razgriz 25th inf. » Tue Jul 26, 2011 2:03 pm

You do realize i have written 6 chapters by now right? i wanted to see if you thought it would be worth anything. I propose a new rule for the forums: you must read someones post at least twice if you intend to respond to it. Besides, what you wrote, wouldnt that be a paraphrase of ANY war movie? its all the same, just fancified, so the bottom line is, you're a douchebag. If you're gonna bitch that much, heres the first chapter:

Chapter 1.


I crept up behind a bush, and readied my MP5. I watched as my Brothers crept up to cover and waited for Checknovs word. He nodded. I stood, and checking to make sure my weapon was on burst fire, opened fire on the Bandits. My squadmates did the same and one by one Bandits fell. I saw one sprint for an Ak74 a meter away and i popped a burst right through his head. Fatass fired off that damned M249 into the ranks of the Bandits, cutting them down, quite litterally. Groka tossed a frag into the center group and it blew up, tearing them up into bloody ribbons. What appeared to be the leader burst from the main building and started firing off a Stryker. I felt a slug fly by my skull and i watched Checknov put a bullet in his head. He fell, and Groka moved up to finish off the rest of them. I followed, and moved up to a wall for cover. I rounded it and came face to face with a Bandit. He swung his rifle at me, and i ducked, grabbed the rifle and wrestled him to the ground. We struggled for a few seconds before i pulled out my knife and stabbed him in the jugular. Blood spurted all over my clothes as he clutched his neck in agony. I shot him in the head to stop his pain. Not even Bandits deserve to die like that. I moved unto the main building, and stacked up next to a door. I lobbed a frag into the room and it detonated, followed by a shrill screaming. I moved in, and found a Bandit clutching his arm, or rather, what was left of it. The frag tore off the Bandits arm, and he was lying on the ground screaming as his own blood pooled around him. I quickly shot him. I looked up, and saw a laptop and some PDAs. Sure that they contained important Data, I stuffed them into my pack, and I moved back outside, and saw that the rest of my team finished off the rest of them. Gorka wiped his forehead with his arm, leaving a streak of blood. "Well, that was eventful." To say the least.
"If you fuck a clone of yourself, is it incest or masturbation?" - my best friend

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Postby Killer Karetsu » Tue Jul 26, 2011 2:47 pm

tl;dr
( :troll: )
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NO!THERE ARE NO POLAR BEARS IN FINLAND!!!
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Postby razgriz 25th inf. » Sat Jul 30, 2011 4:17 pm

Chapter 2:
Chapter 2.


I sat in the bar in the Skadovsk. Every time i layed down to sleep, the shrill screams of that Bandit made its way into my head. Every time I closed my eyes. I imagined my Brothers with limbs missing, bleeding out on the floor, pure agony in their eyes. It made me want to puke. The Zone was tearing me apart, bit by bit. And there wasn't a damned thing i could do about it. "Hey, you okay Brother?" Said Fatass. "Y-yeah." I said. "Bullshit! Have a drink, hell have two!" "Whatever." He handed me some vodka, and i chugged it down, without a single thought. I vaguely felt the alcohol burning its way down my throat. "There, feel better?" "I guess so." "Then you need more!" More vodka. Room spinning more than it did before. Rinse, repeat. "Hey Brother, you don't look so well." "Well, maybe is 'cause i've had 6 bottles a' vodka." I slurred. "Here, lets get you upstairs." Said Fatass. He led me upstairs to my bunk and layed me down. It didnt take long to fall asleep. I dreamed I was in a base surrounded by Bandits. My first thought was i was captured by Bandits, then i realised i was a Bandit too. All of a sudden we hear gunfire. I am told i need to protect the Data. I don't really understand, but i run to a room and hide behind a table with a laptop and some PDAs on it. After about a minute of gunfire getting closer and closer, I see a frag bounce off the wall, roll on the floor and end up right in front of me. I scream as it detonates and clutch blindly at my arm, aware of the blood quickly building on the wooden floor, staining it. A figure walks into the room, looks at me with an expression of pity, then raises his weapon at me and fires. I jolt awake, and bang my head on the bed above me. I sit up, rubbing my forehead, and try to put the dream out of my mind. I was well aware what it was about. I just didnt dare tell anyone.
"If you fuck a clone of yourself, is it incest or masturbation?" - my best friend

Being a Knight of Space is hard work. Nobody else could land so many hot people and still be coherent.

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Postby mgb519 » Sat Jul 30, 2011 5:22 pm

See? Was that so hard?
Tzan wrote:
Semaj Nagirrac wrote:Well, I took some land without checking if it was owned by a faction or not. I'm not going to be banned, am I? I can destroy everything if need be.


That's what Hitler said,
in 1938.
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Postby Zupponn » Sat Jul 30, 2011 10:58 pm

mgb519 wrote:This is like asking someone to critique an entire movie based off of a banner outside the theater.

I've done that before. It was called Twilight.
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Postby razgriz 25th inf. » Sun Jul 31, 2011 2:55 am

Zupponn wrote:
mgb519 wrote:This is like asking someone to critique an entire movie based off of a banner outside the theater.

I've done that before. It was called Twilight.

Zupponn has won the thread. I also have more chapters on the way. And i also dug up a REALLY old fanfic i never got past ch.1 on back when i was at Camden.
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Postby mgb519 » Sun Jul 31, 2011 11:32 pm

Zupponn wrote:
mgb519 wrote:This is like asking someone to critique an entire movie based off of a banner outside the theater.

I've done that before. It was called Twilight.

Did you just call Twilight a "movie"? Because i thought it was a torture device.

Ragriz, keep it up-you're a decent writer.
Tzan wrote:
Semaj Nagirrac wrote:Well, I took some land without checking if it was owned by a faction or not. I'm not going to be banned, am I? I can destroy everything if need be.


That's what Hitler said,
in 1938.
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Postby razgriz 25th inf. » Sun Jul 31, 2011 11:49 pm

mgb519 wrote:
Zupponn wrote:
mgb519 wrote:This is like asking someone to critique an entire movie based off of a banner outside the theater.

I've done that before. It was called Twilight.

Did you just call Twilight a "movie"? Because I thought it was a torture device.

Ragriz, keep it up-you're a decent writer.

Thank you, i appreciate it. I also bring you, Chapter 3!
Chapter 3.


Daily life continued once again. Checknov had taken the Bandit leaders Stryker, and i had picked up an AK47 as well as a P99. Groka had been given a SIG 550 and 10,000 RU for his work de-coding all of the Data found in the leaders room, and Fatass, well, got more food and ammo. I told nobody of my dream, and kept my feelings hidden. On this particular day we headed out to find some artifacts, as we were running out of ammo and a Stalker with out ammo was a dead Stalker. Groka on the other hand didnt need to worry about money, but he tagged along anyways. Walking to the Boiler anomaly, we hear some movement in the weed. We stop instantly and keep our ears, and more importantly our eyes, searching for whatever it might be. Groka pipes up with "There! i saw a leaf move!" "Did you see what it was?" Says Checknov. "No! I saw nothing!" "Maybe a Bloodsucker?" I say. "If its a Bloodsucker i'm gonna-" Say Fatass "SHH! I saw a flash of light. Its a Bloodsucker all right." Says Groka. "What in the hell is a Bloodsucker doing HERE?" Says Checknov. A deep throated roar cuts off our thoughts. "OPEN FIRE!" "WHERE?!" "WHO CARES, JUST SHOOT!" I pull down the trigger of my AK, Only to hear a single shot. My first thought was: "OH SHIT! NOT A JAM!" Of course, it was set to single shot. I flipped to full auto and began spraying the weeds with bullets. "AH! ITS GOT ME! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!" We turn to see the Bloodsucker had grabbed Groka and was starting to weave its tenticles around his neck. Groka fell silent as he was injected with a paralysis. Muscle memory took over and i pulled my P99 and planted a bullet in the motherfuckers head. With a roar the Bloodsucker fell to the ground, bleeding through a 9mm hole in its head. Checknov tended to Groka, who was bleeding through a large hole in his neck. "Quit wimpering, you baby. You will be fine my friend." Adrenaline was still pumping through our viens as we continued the hike to the Boiler anomaly, Groka slung over Fatass' shoulder.
"If you fuck a clone of yourself, is it incest or masturbation?" - my best friend

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