The JUST ASK TZAN Column.

[Warhead]

Dear Tzan,

Now that I am becoming an even older codger, just like you, I have decided to abandon my youthful looks this year and become a manly beardy like you. However, I have encountered a number of problems with this project that only the knowledge of the ancients such as yourself can rectify.

6) Beards are manly when on men, however, trimming, preening, combing, coiffuring, applying rollers and wearing the beard hair net on the train is drawing some odd looks. What should I do?

7) While sampling a tasty beverage from a beer can I had the singular pleasure of having a beard hair plucked out by the cans ring pull, (NO. Not ring hair pulled out by the can pull). I would have ignored this indignant assault but for the fact there was a rather loud and obvious "POINK!" sound as the hair became detached. Sadly Mrs Warhead was present and seemed most amused. I have taken to removing ring pulls from all cans. Can you give better advice?

8.) I have noticed an ever increasing number of white, not grey hairs in my beard while my head hair doesn't seem to have any?!. To be honest I kind of like the Manly Fuckin' Santa look but I am unsure if the babes will dig the new two tone?

9) What do you do about breakfast cereals in the morning? I always get milk dribbles in my beard, while this is a steady source of protein throughout the day, since I suck on my beard it does tend to smells like baby sick if I don't wash it. Is this a common problem?

10) Due to the beard I have found I can no longer stick my tongue out at people. Mini-Warhead pointed out, it looks like a hamster flashing his big willy. I do not wish to shave, but I am haunted by the imagery. Advice please.


Any help in this matter will be appreciated.

[stubby]

Consider the advantages of muttonchops.



Also metal claws I guess.

[Tzan]

Dear Tzan,

Now that I am becoming an even older codger, just like you, I have decided to abandon my youthful looks this year and become a manly beardy like you. However, I have encountered a number of problems with this project that only the knowledge of the ancients such as yourself can rectify.

Any help in this matter will be appreciated.

Dear Bearded Man:

I was so busy today, sorry I couldn't help sooner.

6. At first I trimmed once a week on friday after work. But that was mostly because I worked for other people. Then after several years of self employment this stretched out to two weeks, three and now I'm up to 1 trimming per month. Also it doesn't matter what other people think, the train is much like the internet but with more urine.

7. That has happened to me too. I pour my canned soda drinks into a coffee mug, which looks manly. Or I get 20 or 64 oz plastic bottles. Also I drink beer from bottles not cans.

8. From 31-36 I fully shaved once per week. Then around 36 I stopped shaving. Yes I got white hairs in my beard first at around 35. Currently at 49 I have 50/50 beard and 10% white in my hair. You don't need to be impressing any babes, at least that's what Mrs Warhead told me.
A girl on the internet told me she liked that terrorist look (fully bearded guy). If a girl can't like you because of a few gray hairs, fuck her. Oh wait, if you actually cared what they think then you can dye your hair, just like a girl

9. Yes this is an issue, but I wouldn't call it a problem, just don't leave it there. Just a minor side effect. Paper towel it off or hit the bathroom and splash some water on it and towel it off.

10. Stop sticking your tongue out at people. I never do it. Although I suppose you do it while playing around with the kid, so you are on your own there.

[RoC77]

Ok, so I work on the second floor of my office building. On a few occasions I've felt my knee hurting after I run up or down the stairs. I've never had any knee problems before, but now that I am over thirty, I should be taking better care of my body. I keep hearing glucosamine is suppose to be good for your joints. Have you tried it and if so does it work?

[Tzan]

Dear Leg Man

I played some football in highschool and the generic pounding in practice hurt my knee and it took 8 months to heal. It hurt when I was walking on stairs when the joint was bent at a particular angle.

I quit football even though I could have been a starting wide receiver in the following 2 years. Common sense can strike at any time and it hit me at 15 years old.

I havent had any real problems since then and never taken glucosamine.

I wonder of you are overweight and are stressing your joints too much. The solution here is to lose weight not take drugs.

If you insist on checking out the drug route always consult a doctor first. Drugs have side effects sometimes so it should be the last thing you ever do. Just because some asshole company wants to scare the shit out of you to make money doesn't mean you have to be the sucker. Perhaps you should consider the advantages of muttonchops.

[RoC77]

Well I am heavier that I normaly am 5'6" @ 180lbs. Damn that does put me in the overweight catagory. I need to go do excersise, 24 hour fitness 6:30 pilaties here I come! Oh, glucosamine is more of a supplement than a drug. It's an amino sugar that is used to build joint cartilage.

[Tzan]

Dear Future Diabetic:

http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

You are 6 pounds away from being Obese (BMI 30+)


Just to be fair I'll tell you mine.
6'-0" 158= BMI 21.4 dead center of normal

[RoC77]

Ok, I know I'm a bit overweight, but am in no way even close obese. Is that thing set on male or female?

[Tzan]

Ok, I know I'm a bit overweight, but am in no way even close obese. Is that thing set on male or female?

If you read around that page you'll see its both. But the BMI fails to work right if you have lots of muscles.

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/public/ ... imitations

[Warhead]

Yeah, this is true as when I was training my optimum weight to height would give me a reading of 34.1 which is well into the obese bracket. But I was doing 2 hours of strenuous exercise each night and jogging to and from work most days. I did get my weight down to 13 stone but looked and felt ill and had very little body fat left even though according to these charts I was at my optimum weight. These things are only a general guide of averages and don't take into account the individual.

If you are going to exercise and want to spare your knee then swimming may be the best option, at least until you lose a few pounds and your knee can support you better. What the fuck is a palates? Sounds like a girly cake.

[Tzan]

What the fuck is a palates? Sounds like a girly cake.

I was waiting for RoC to come back and answer this, but he didnt.

Dear Pilates Curious

Pilates is not a girly cake, its a girly exercise.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilates

[RoC77]

What the fuck is a palates? Sounds like a girly cake.

I was waiting for RoC to come back and answer this, but he didnt.

Dear Pilates Curious

Pilates is not a girly cake, its a girly exercise.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilates

I missed that part, my apologies. It is definatly a girly exercise.... When I was working out 5 days a week, I tried other excercises, and I actually tried out pilates. Damn dvd I tried out, was designed around a woman lower center of gravity. Ended up slaming my torso on the ground a handful of times....

[stubby]

I missed that part, my apologies. It is definatly a girly exercise.... When I was working out 5 days a week, I tried other excercises, and I actually tried out pilates. Damn dvd I tried out, was designed around a woman lower center of gravity. Ended up slaming my torso on the ground a handful of times....

You're supposed to keep the woman at the lower center of gravity. Instead of slamming into the ground, you slam into the woman.

[Warhead]

And this is how Stubby has a restraining order banning him from all the local Gyms.

[Warhead]

Dear Tzan,

It is my wife's... and by default also my own 13th Wedding anniversary tomorrow. Despite my iconic comic book love for this woman I have bought no gifts as a sign of affection. She tells me this does not matter but I still feel slightly odd, that perhaps I should have done something but I'm not sure. I offered to punch things in the face all day tomorrow but this did not seem to work. Can you suggest something else?