(Note: stuff is backstory heavy, skip the wall of text until you see pretty stuff.)
Once upon a time, there was-no, wait.
Never upon a time (I will get to that later), there was a planet. On this planet, a race of beings lived. They were called the Imakki-Nation.
The Imakki were omniscient and immortal. Each and every single one of them was able to do things that minifigs, heroes, and pretty much the entire damn Brikverse could wish to do, which is complete and flawless control over ABS simply by thinking. With the flick of awrist, battlements could be erected from lowly soil.
With a twitch of a finger, armies of creatures and vehicles could be created out of thin air. With a wave of a hand, weaponry could be forged, not in forgeries, not in volcanoes, but FROM volcanoes and forgeries and more stuff. The Imakki-Nation could do stuff that would have made the immortals tremble in fear and piss in their pants, that would have turned peaches yellow of jealousy, that would have sowed Death across the Brikverse and probably further than that.
So, why the hell is nobody trembling in fear, pissing their pants, turning yellow or whatever?
There are two reasons for that.
The first reason is that no battlements were erected, no armies of creatures and vehicles were created, and no weaponry was forged.
The Imakki-Nation was a race of Pacifist Bastards that only cared about their friends and love and friendship and more kinds of negatively offensive matter that would have got them kicked out of every single fucking (forum) battle anyway.
The second reason was that the Imakki-Nation never existed. At some point of their nonexistent span of existence, one of their kin invented Philosophy. If any of you have any idea of what Philosophy is, then you can guess what happened. The entire planet and everything on it got the Brikversial Finger, and was kicked through an interdimensional wormhole in time and space, resulting in the birth of the nation never happening and having never existed.
Most of the inhabitants on the surface of the planet were either flung high and low and far and further through multiple dimensions, dying and coming back to life until ending up in the Brikverse again, losing their memory and powers in the process, except for their immortality. The event also shocked them enough to free their bonds with Peace and start wars, which was awesome because they could come back to life again.
A few, however, were not affected as much. These 'survivors' of the Disaster That Never Happened Anyway only were weakened, their memories remained intact. They did lose their Peacefullness though, and all agreed on the matter that their previous ways were HIDEOUSLY UNIMAGINABLY STUPID. They were stuck on the planet though. So one of them decided to stand up and actually fix the problem. With his powers (which were stronger than the others, due to lingering VERY deep for some reason I am not going to bother to think up), he managed to create an Interdimensional Travel Aperture. He also created a cabin that could warp molecules of any kind from one dimension to another, as long as it fits into it. It is required to scan the object first, though. In essence, he made a machine that would make sure that IF they died, they could simply warp back to their planet and the warp back to the fight if they desired to do so.
That one inventor is now called The Army of One. The reason for this is because his weapons are so ossum that he himself is so powerful that he can kick 52 asses simultaneously without breaking a sweat, and that no armor can withstand his mighty blows. Also I lack a better name for him.
...Witness The Army of One and his weapon!
...or actually, not his current weapon. This weapon was his first, assembled on a sleepy and drunk night. It functioned like a very
powerful 'chinegun with underbarrel grenade launcher, allowing him to decimate squads to piles of blood. Blood piles up when he kills stuff. The sticks at the back end of it are Kinetic Enhancers, an invention of him. It basically works like a small railgun, speeding bullets up to twice their normal speed. Also looks rather froody.
The Army of One was not happy with it. It did do dakka but it didn't do nearly enough dakka. NEVER ENOUGH DAKKA.
So he decided to get a better weapon. And in order to get better materials for better weapons, he needed to get his ass off the planet. And so he did, kicking many asses in search of material.
And what material would be good enough for him? WELL BLOODY DAMN ORANGE TRANSPARENT
, OF COURSE! And his sights set upon the planet with the most ore available. Iceworld. Fuk'n cold out there.
While his power of the Imakki-Nation prevented his body from freezing over and over, he couldn't save his gun. He was forced to fight with whatever he could find. He found OT
, and Robotic Ice Daemons, which he smashed to bits with his merrily-destructive thoughts. Combining the two created the weapon he used on his visit on Iceworld. He also found Enigma, with which he had a nice bucket of alchoholic stuff. It was great. He also gave him his Respawn-tech, so that if any of Enigma's warriors die, they can still continue beat the crap out of everyone.
This gun functions similar to Enigma's Mega-Heat Cannon, though he didnt have enough OT
at that time to recreate it. While being less powerful, it had less trouble with the Cannon's main flaw, which was the fact that the beam lost energy at a ridiculously high rate. This weapon compressed the plasma and energy, and created a beam that goes much further, with a relatively equal damage fallof. And if something ever got close up, the Ice Daemon Fangs on the underside of the weapon would decimate it's face.
In the end, he got back to his own planet with loads of OT
. He created an OTC
, but it's lack of weight and rather small size made him dislike it. He also made a Pulsar, but trashed it for the same reasons, despite it's power. He thought for 5 days straight about what he wanted.
He wanted power.
He wanted kicked asses.
He wanted Ossum.
He wanted to use the OTC
He took his old gun, and started building.
is a powerful weapon due to it being a chainsaw and having the cutting edge of a microtome at the same time, as well as not being able to be parried. It was too small for him, though, so he wanted to make it bigger. He also wanted it to have an edge over other OT
weaponry, so not only he made a big saw, he molded the surface so that it was covered in miniscule OTC
's, which ensures unblockability when confronted with other OT
He also wanted to incorporate the design of his old gun into the weapon. It was his first and his favorite weapon anyway. So he did.
He also wanted to improve more on his Iceworld weapon, making it more efficient and deadly.
The result was ossum.
Ladies and gents, after a large amount of bitching, I present the Army of One and his current loadout! And PLEASE hold your orgasms, the carpet is expensive.
First, we talk about the central piece of his arms, the giant Orange Transparent Armyfucker
. The weapon is similar in shape to his old weapon but it has several things added to it. It now has two OT
tanks attached to it, containing a fluid named Maniac Beer. Usually, people drink it and get mad, but a single drop of it is a mini-nuke, so it works fine as a power source. The back end has a booster, so that it can swing better and harder. The underbarrel grenade launcher doesn't fire grenades, but hot bursts of Maniac Beer-powered energy, that explode on impact. It also has an OT
energy generator on top, and of course the Orange Transparent Motherfukkin' Sawblades
which is so sharp it slices through air, physics and magikal contracts. And other OT
Stuffs, of course.
Also, as a bonus: the weapon can be used as a motorcycle. May god bless you. If he has the balls.
The second weapon is based on the gun he used at Iceworld. It generates energy in a similar way the OTA
does, with Maniac Beer, making it many times more powerful. The energy is held in an OT
Kinetic-Enhancer-lined section, where it is amplified until it equals something that hasn't been quite equaled yet. The energy can be fired through the OT
-lined barrel, which compresses it into a VERY thin and VEEEERRRRY hot beam that kills stuff. Like OTC
's, it's pretty much unblockable, melting through stuff like mad. It does take a while for the energy to be amplified enough, though.
And last but not least, a keg of Maniac beer. God knows where it came from, but he likes the stuff. In addition to making drunk and allowing minifigs to do weird shit, it also amplifies his Imakki powers. It tastes better than normal beer, too.
These are all his weapons and whatnot. The Pulsar and Iceworld gun are not being used, only as memories of his nonexistent past.
Army of One: Skill 2D6, Move 7, Armor 1D10, 4HP. Can lift and use 2-handed weapons without any kind of hinderance. Has Imakki-Nation power as Heroic Feats. Orange Transparent Armyfucker
: Range CC/12, Use 5, Damage ???/3D6.Imagine a minifig in front of this weapon. Do you think armor or shields are going to block it? That a wall might save the poor fella?
As such, the CC attack this weapon INSTANTLY KILLS minifigs regardless of armor. They can only dodge the attack or bail out, any attempt on blocking it will result in delicious face mangling.
As for structures/vehicles, fudge it. Create a large gaping hoe in the wall/hull that looks like if the weapon could have made it.Orange Transparent Hyperbeamer
: Range 16, Use 4, Damage ???I simply have no idea how much damage this weapon should do. Perhaps the Minifig-be-gone rule of the OTA should apply to this weapon too.
Maniac beer: Range nil, Use at own risk, effect of making the game Ossum and your head dizzy and sizzly.The Army of One may visit a game once it get's ossum enough, and only if the game has passed 5 turns. He will usually just go and chill out with cool guys, give them beer, and take potshots at assholes trying to shoot him. The Army of One is not allied with any faction.If the Army of One is killed, the weapons can be picked up by anybody, but only heroes can use them; minifigs can only carry it at half Move. Heroes suffer a -2 Move penalty, and get Power Drunk. When an enemy hero is within 9 inches range, he will stagger towards him/her, killing anyone in the way. Other heroes get jelly, and will attempt to kill the wielder in order to get the weapon for themselves.The OTA is a Heroic Weapon, with it's own feats. The OTH is not heroic, but still makes everyone jelly. Maniac beer is tasty, and anyone having negative opinions on this matter must be decimated at all costs.The Army of One and his weapons warp back to his planet after the end of the Brikwar.I'd prefer if you didn't copy these weapons.
So...whew....what are your opinions on dis shit? Anorak? Not Anorak? Ossum with a slight chance of shitstorms? Please don't kill me...
Brickwars: the only tabletop wargame that allows the units to have sexual intercourse with each other, produce offspring, and then use said offspring as Size 1 Explosives.