Colette wrote:I present a Star Wars alternate universe...
...the Brik Wars.
Episode I: The Pedi Order seeks a youngling to train to become the “Chosen One” and wipe out the Shit(-goat) order. Dr. Qui-Gonn X and Benny Kenoobi are dispatched to Tattoos-weenie to find him, who turns out to be a slave boy named Anoy’ikin Silvawalker. Silvawalker wins his freedom by trolling everyone else in the Póny Eve Classic and joins Dr. Qui-Gonn X and Benny to train. Silvawalker also falls in love with a sweet Grammar Führer Blitzen, who is creepily older than him.
In a series of unfortunate events, the Grammar Inquisition home planet is besieged by the Gáy Federation led by Darth Tárren and his double-bladed dicksaber. The two Pedi as well as some Dungans fight for the freedom of the Grammar Inquisition. Unfortunately Darth Tárren causes Dr. Qui Gonn X to become booty bothered and disappear, but Benny Kenoobi quickly avenges his master’s death by bisecting Tárren, killing him (until Lucas resurrects him to make more money).
In the meanwhile Blitzen ass-kicks the current Supreme Chancellor, and a mysterious figure named Darth Colettious becomes the new Chancellor through his politikal skizzles.
Episode II: Anoy’ikin Silvawalker lives up to his name, and whines a lot while training as a Pedi. Also, Benny Kenoobi got a promotion and is now known as Almighty Benny Kenoobi. Stuff happens.
On the Sith side of things, a bunch of planets are unhappy with the Galactic Bureaucracy’s Obamacare system and other political issues, and so Darth Colettious’s new apprentice Count Natalyoo bands the planets together (called the Confederates) and leads a secession attempt. Silvawalker, Kenoobi, and Blitzen get kidnapped, and are used for human entertainment. Unfortunately, the Pedi barge in rather rudely in the middle of the commercials, and disrupt the fun and games. Kenoobi and Silvawalker get in a duel with Count Natalyoo, and she bans Silvawalker’s arm for an hour, promising a pedonuker banner for the next offense. Ultimately the Galactic Bureaucracy declares war on the Confederates and unleashes its Cloan armies.
Silvawalker then get’s married to Blitzen in a secret ceremony observed by C3Poo and R2D2 (both Whiteagle alts cause C3PO is an idiot and r2d2 always sounds like he’s whining).
Episode III: Silvawalker has finally reached BLACK RAGE and wears emo clothes. The Cloan wars are ending and an attack on Corusantorum is led by the four-armed robo-troll General Zupponn. General Zupponn kidnaps Darth Colettious, and it is up to Almighty Benny Kenoobi and Silvawalker to save him. Natalyoo is killed, Zupponn escapes and Colettious is saved.
Benny chases down General Zupponn and kills him. Such a waste of a badass character.
Colettious reveals to Silvawalker his true identity of Shit lord in order to troll Silvawalker’s emo conflicted inner nature. Silvawalker whines to the badass Black-Jewish-politician Pedi Master Silent Windu, and he leads a force of the most badass Pedi to unlawfully murder Colettious. Colettious, his age and laziness failing him, is overcome by Silent until Silvawalker comes and saves him. Colettious then endows Silvawalker with a level in badass, entitling him as Darth Silver.
Darth Silver goes on a pure brikwars murder rampage and wipes out the Pedi Order until Kenoobi tracks him down on the planet Mustachafar. Silver meets his old wife Blitzen but realizes evuul is cool and kills her. Then the two duel indecisively, until Warhead comes out of the lava and drags Silver’s mom out of a sack. Distracted and suddenly overwhelmed with mommy issues, Silver is cut up into some delicious sushi by Benny. Colettious revives Silver by homebrewing medik rules and makes him into a badass cyborg.
Episode IV: Apparently Blitzen had some children, or Arkbrik, I can’t remember. Anyway, Princess White Nun is being all princess-y and holy when the Umpire finds her and destroys her planet. She sends out a help message through R2D2 in the hopes of a rescue.
Old Pedi Master Almighty Benny Kenoobi is living the life of a hermit, secretly stalking Zahru Starkiller. He then decides to take action and train Zahru in the ways of the Pedi and shows him Princess White Nun’s message. They both meet up with an arrogant weed-smuggler named IV Solo and his friend Razgrizzlee and their ship the Thousand-Year Phallic-an. They rescue White Nun, Benny dies, Zahru joins the Rebel Teenage Alliance, and he destroys the Star of Death using the Farce.
Episode V: The Rebel Teenagers lose the planet of Hot and scatter. The ghost of Almighty Benny appears to Zahru, recommending that he find and train under the great Pedi Master “Yo-Tzan”.
Zahru’s friends IV, White Nun, and Razgrizzlee go to iCloud City, where they meet and are betrayed by the local Apple Geniuses to Darth Silver. Darth Silver encases IV in solid weed as a gift to Asterios the Hulk. Zahru duels Silver and loses his arm, but of course this enables him to get an awesome troll arm instead.
Episode VI: White Nun tries to rescue IV from Asterios, when her plans are foiled. The insecure Asterios then captures the gang and makes them all pay by walking the plank. White Nun gags Asterios to death by throwing his massive plastic army overboard.
Stuff happens. The Star of Death is rebuilt, this time with a shield generator that is trivially destroyed by Razgrizzlee’s convention friends. Zahru again duels Silver, who is defeated but redeems himself by killing his master Darth Colettious. He still trolls Zahru though in the end. Everyone in the teenage alliance celebrates the victory.
Expanded Universe: Colettious comes back through alts to plague the galaxy, of course. The Yuuzhan penises invade the galaxy. Not much else interesting happens.
Obviously I missed <a href='http://tinyurl.com/y42zurt'><a href='http://tinyurl.com/y42zurt'>alot</a></a> of stuff and it's the opposite of the real movies, the prequels have all the good jokes because it's where the joke started. I will edit it and expand it to include more forum members and therefore more scenes.
George S. Thesson
Zipp Broz Tito
Natalya Mackenzie King
There's probably a silly story in here somewhere.