Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm [UPDATED]

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Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm [UPDATED]

Postby Theblackdog » Thu Aug 08, 2013 6:48 pm

The Bley House, Refuge...
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President Bob The Unbuilder: "Now that the Britannians have been routed, these rainbow ships are our next threat. I want to form a task force immediately to investigate-"
Chrome: "Mr. President, so far we have seen these ships appear in, at most, small groups. They are light vessels with pitiful weapons and armor. What kind of threat do they represent?"
Bob: "The ships themselves are weak, but they are but the vanguard of an incredibly powerful alien race. These aliens forced us from our previous home, and if they come for us again, we need to be ready."
Chrome: "Really? From what little I have heard, the fall of the T.L.A. was caused by a minifig cult."
Bob: "Not many people saw the aliens and survived... at least not with their minds intact. I am one of the very few who has..."

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Bob: It was just after the invasion began. Back then, I was just a construction worker and part-time mercenary. I did have my own TV show -- marketed towards kids, but oddly popular among adults as well -- although I wasn't even interested in politics yet. My buddies and I were working on a planetary defense center-
Chrome: These 'buddies' are the ones you later appointed to your cabinet?
Bob: ...No. No they weren't.

We'd all heard stories about them, of course. Twice the size of a minifig, eyes as big as your head, psychic powers, covered in battle tattoos...

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... but nothing could have prepared us for the horrifying reality.

Construction worker: "Aliens! Retreat!"
Bob: "Don't be such a Goddamn coward. Chaaarge!"
Construction worker: "This is suicide! We can't take them on with just our tools-"

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Bob: "FUCK YES WE CAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

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Construction Worker: "We did it! Fuck yes!"
Bob: "All right, now we just need to-"

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*POP*
Bob: "Dammit."

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Bob: "So, you're the ones in charge I guess. You might as well tell me your plan before I kill you."
Sparkly Twilight: "Why, we just want to spread friendship and harmony throughout the Brikverse. And you, Bob the Unbuilder, are getting in our way. Your actions and your stupid TV show are inspiring minifigs to fight rather than embrace one another in friendship-"

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Bob: "Friendship and harmony? You bastards! I swear on the Two-by-Two, once I'm done with you you're gonna need a bigger torso to fit the hole I'm gonna make-"
Sparkly Twilight: "Oh, please, give up already. The Elements of Harm are infinitely more powerful than your pathetic drill."
Bob: "They're nowhere near powerful enough to take violence and war out of this universe. And my drill is the drill-"

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Bob: "-THAT'S GONNA DRILL YOU A NEW ONE!"
Sparkly Twilight: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

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Bob: "Um... why are you staring at me?"
Flutterdie: "Tell me, Bob the Unbuilder... do you feel fear?"


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Bob: "Nope."

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*DOUBLE KILL*

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As I looked at the bodies of my fallen comrades, I realized what I had to do. If my example could inspire my country to fight, I would go to war...

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Chrome: "And then what?"
Bob: "Oh, I slaughtered my way across the planet, boarded a ship and killed everyone aboard, and flew out just in time to meet up with the evacuation fleet. Nothing interesting."

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Fleet Ensign: "Mr. President, urgent message from the fleet. Captain Fury intercepted a squadron of rainbow ships on his way back from New York and-"
Bob: "-Reduced them all to vapor but sustained damage so heavy that he's going to need a tow home?"
Fleet Ensign: "Actually, he hasn't taken any damage. He found them in a five-way battle over who was best pwny."
Bob: "Well, that's not so- Wait a minute, five-way?"
Fleet Ensign: "No one likes Scarcity, sir."
Bob: "Fair enough."
Fleet Ensign: "Anyway, he was able to capture some remains from the surviving ship. Not much, of course-"
Bob: "Of course-"
Fleet Ensign: "-but we did get a data chip with the coordinates for a base."

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Bob: "Excellent news. Assemble a task force and prep Space Force One. I will lead the assault myself. Is there any other intel?"
Fleet Ensign: "Just a name, sir."
Bob: "A name?"
Fleet Ensign: "Yes. They call themselves 'The Herd'".
Bob: "...It's beginning again. Two-By-Two help us all..."
Last edited by Theblackdog on Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Just one random act of violence can brighten your day. Especially if it involves explosives.

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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm

Postby Silverdream » Thu Aug 08, 2013 7:20 pm

Fuck yeah.
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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm

Postby Quantumsurfer » Thu Aug 08, 2013 7:24 pm

Hahahahaha, Christ.
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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm

Postby Theblackdog » Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:08 pm

Meanwhile, at Blue Sector Fleet Headquarters...

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Captain Harris: "Bugger all, it just keeps getting worse. Half the fleet destroyed... Admiral's missing... ran out of the bleedin' system with our tails between our legs..."

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Captain Harris: "Bloody hell, more bad news?"
Marine: "I'm afraid so, sir. A pirate battleship attacked one of our resupply bases today. We tracked 'is jump signature, but the recon ship we sent to follow hasn't reported back."
Captain Harris: "Well, send the bloody fleet then! Surely we have enough warships to chase down one battleship! Have you got any intel besides the jump trace?"
Marine: "Just a visual, captain. Here, take a look."

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Captain Harris: "Hmmm.... :j+b:... "
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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm [UPDATED]

Postby Kalvinator » Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:05 am

My drill is the drill...that will drill you a new one...


That is the best thing I've ever heard/read on this forum. :lol:
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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm [UPDATED]

Postby Silverdream » Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:07 am

Kalvinator wrote:
My drill is the drill...that will drill you a new one...


That is the best thing I've ever heard/read on this forum. :lol:


Always relevant
Last edited by Silverdream on Fri Aug 09, 2013 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm [UPDATED]

Postby Zupponn » Fri Aug 09, 2013 9:30 am

Dis is gettin good...
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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm [UPDATED]

Postby Quantumsurfer » Fri Aug 09, 2013 3:10 pm

Bob is definitely one of my favorite BrikWars characters.
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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm [UPDATED]

Postby Theblackdog » Sat Aug 10, 2013 1:48 pm

Thanks everyone. Part II is up in Forum Battles, you should go sign up.
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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm [UPDATED]

Postby Bragallot » Mon Aug 12, 2013 4:59 pm

Bob Rocks.
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Re: Chasing Rainbows Part I: The Elements of Harm [UPDATED]

Postby Scribonius » Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:03 pm

Bragallot wrote:Bob Rocks.


Indeed, he does! All Hail Bob!
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