Checkered pasts

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Checkered pasts

Postby Brikguy0410 » Fri Mar 21, 2014 9:45 pm

Note: this is my first attempt at a brikfic




Scythian space, 300 years before fall of fico


Damn pirates, always the damn pirates, it really pissed carter off, all they ever do was steal, loot and kill, and here he was, in a Scythian military uniform, on some far flung planet, hiding behind some crates with the rest of his squad, while damned pirates were shooting the hell out of them, they were told this mission would be easy, but it was far from easy, they had arrived to find a pirate force much larger and more heavily armed then they were expecting, they were all that remained of the task force sent to destroy the pirate presence in the area, and now it was up to them to stop these pirates from spilling into neiboring systems, witch at the current time did not seem likely, I'm hit! Carter turned to see one of his squad mates, Tyler had been shot in the shoulder, Clare, the squad medic rushed over to him, I'll be fine, he said no you won't said Clare frowning at him, we need to get you to a med bay, carter peeked around the corner and took a shot at a pirate hitting him in the face. But for each pirate they shot to would take his place, this was hopeless, Jim, give me the surrender flag, the entire squad looked at him in shock, give it to me, a shocked Jim handed him the flag, carter waved the flag signilang surrender, he saw 6 six pirates running towards them drop your weapons, the biggest pirate said in a gruff tone, then there was a flash of light, two seconds later, the piste had a beam saber through his chest, carter looked and saw what appeared to be a cyborg, wielding a beam saber and a weapon that shot some kind of transparent orange beam killing pirates in ones and twos, the entire squad stood and watched in awe at the events taking place before them, within a minute, every pirate was dead, wwwhhoo are you? asked a bewildered carter, the figure turned and said, with a smile brikguy and then there was a flash of light and he was gone, carter would go on to write a book about his experience,


NATO meeting center, GR 2014.

The representatives looked at. Each other wondering why this meeting had been called, and why it had nothing to do with the third alliance or immortal war, a man in a suit walked in and said, I thank you all form coming, you represent all the nations that are a part of NATO, as you know recently a nation called the republic of valoros revealed itself to the brikverse, we at the intergalactic arkaology society have long seen in many writes and art works from ancient cultures, a certain figure, we call him the cyborg, and information about him remains elusive, the man started up a holo projector that showed images of what appeared to be ancient drawings of a cyborg doing things like bringing people fire, and show them how to make the shell, he is present in almost all ancient cultures, and this" emporer brikguy" matches his description, we have reason to believe he is the cyborg, if this is true, we has single handedly shaped the history of this galaxy, the reps stares at each other in shock and awe about the information they had just learned
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Re: Checkered pasts

Postby Quantumsurfer » Fri Mar 21, 2014 9:54 pm

A solid first try. Now that you have a rough draft, I would politely suggest that you comb back through it and edit it some to make it a little more readable. I hope you continue your story.
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Re: Checkered pasts

Postby Maverick » Sat Mar 22, 2014 4:10 am

It's good and all, but the grammar is killing me.
Think I'm stupid? Well then check out this:
Spoiler: show
Overwatch_Elite wrote:well THEN STOP HAVING SUCH AN ENLIGHTENED BRAIN geeze this place isn't for smart people such as yourself

Silvawards wrote:Most intelligent
Nominees
-Colette
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Winner: Maverick
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Re: Checkered pasts

Postby The Shadowscythe » Sat Mar 22, 2014 6:28 am

Okay, although well over half the forum seems to think I hate you - I don't. Yes you get on my absolute fucking tits, you have actually gone out of your way to start something, as you did with your very first build in the armory.

So as decreed by the gods of awesome shit. You make something. You get advice in turn.

First of all, try deviding your work into more workable chunks. Paragraphs are your friends when deviding two to five sentences worth of action into something more workable on a Web, or in this case a forum format. If you want to decide something into a scene from multiple points of view or multiple actions, don't be afraid to put it into multiple posts as it gives the reader a temporary pause in scrolling down and reading to get their heads into another digestible chunk of action.

In using dialogue, speech marks are your friends.

"this is a chunk of dialogue" said the first character with just enough meaning in his voice to portray another point of drama to the reader

"this is the reply" said the other character with a tone of annoyance in his voice.

"well this is only supposed to be a fucking example" the first character shouted at the top of his lungs before scythe finished his example.

With this, you can put out a characters personality and train of thought by showing how they react to others, try with tones of voice anf how they say it, the undertones, facial expressions and body language and how they move through conversations. Mix it up and see how you establish situations and how your characters react to them.

Try dropping in more background details in your setting - in the first section you introduced Scythian space 300 years prior to your section story point - the modern day events of the NATO storyline. Add in some more about the looks of the people, the places, objects and the feel of your locations and build it as time goes on like Bonn-o-Tron. You will find that very soon your settings will kind of build themselves ad you put the idea from head to keyboard.

Other than this, keep writing and keep trying. The only way from here is up.
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-- WARNINK -- LINK BELOW IZ KNOWN TO CAUZE HEMMORAGE --
Spoiler: show
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I WARNED YOU, DIDN'T I WARN YOU?! BLAME RAYHAWK DAMNIT.
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Re: Checkered pasts

Postby Colette » Sat Mar 22, 2014 7:20 am

So in the future I'll take it upon myself to be the canon Piltogg (which means you don't have to listen to me, like grammar Nazis, but it's probably a good idea).

That being said, good for you that you're concretely starting. That's often the hardest part of writing- turning idea into concept.

One recommendation: NATO's only priorities right now are the elimination of the TA and the reestablishment of the AN, so it's unlikely Mr. Chairman would waste the time of the representatives on a meeting like this. More likely that in the beginning your main enemy would be the AN Trusteeship Council (as they administer 250 captured Valorian systems)- as the story goes along and your rebels become a major threat, however, the issue might escalate to the AN Security Council deploying peacekeepers, to finally calling upon NATO to send in actual armed forces when things get truly dire. You should treat NATO as a sort of 'big bad' for the epic finale.
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Re: Checkered pasts

Postby Brikguy0410 » Sat Mar 22, 2014 9:23 am

I would like to thank everyone for there helpful suggestions
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