Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

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Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby Colette » Tue Apr 04, 2017 10:55 am

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"The bank that rules the galaxy."

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The Goldman Sucks Group Inc. is the most prominent and powerful investment bank in the local intergalactic cluster. The firm provides numerous services, including investment banking, asset management, mergers & acquisitions, and dealing with the stock market and other financial instruments. Although most galactic banks prefer market stability, Goldman Sucks is known for its ruthless crusade for profit and its embrace of khaos and catastrophe, engineering entire galactic financial crises and wars if they can make a quick buck off of it.

Many of its former employees move on to government positions after retiring, and their notable alumni include Trattorian Chief Comptrollers, USA Treasury Secretaries, and Governors of the Bank of Britannia among numerous other high officials throughout the galaxy. This allows the firm unprecedented influence with many major galactic governments, leading to its nickname, ”the bank that rules the galaxy”.

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Every employee once began as a lowly intern, the bottom of the firm’s pecking order. These guys come in practically limitless quantities and despite having Poison Ivy League degrees are Incompetent (1d4 skill). Interns are often worked many days straight without sleep, sometimes to death, or ordered to do menial and unreasonable tasks such as getting a higher up’s coffee from a specific shop in the middle of an interstellar warzone. Many of the galaxy’s brightest students nonetheless compete against each other to make it into this brutal hazing process, however, in the hopes of netting a coveted full-time position.

The firm adheres to Trattoria-style meritocracy, drawing its diverse staff from across the entire galaxy and beyond without regard to their origins and considering only their merit and performance. Thus the top moneymakers rise up through the ranks while the bottom sinks and gets fired. In addition to merit, however, the firm values loyalty - the firm enforces an almost mafia-like omerta against competitors, clients, and regulators.

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A few of these interns rise up and land a full time position, beginning their climb on the corporate ladder. Analysts and Associates, at the bottom, still do most of the heavy lifting and get paid a decent amount. Vice Presidents begin to take on management roles, talk to clients, and make even more money. Managing Directors are the highest position that most of the firm’s young bankers can realistically think about. Although MD’s consider themselves at the top of the chain, with a tremendous of power and eye-watering salaries and bonuses, they are still considered middle management at the firm.

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The true leaders of the firm are the small group of meritocratically selected Partners. Arrogantly nicknamed “the masters of the BrikVerse”, they are the nobility of the galactic finance industry. They are paid a billion dollars each as a base salary, not including potentially tens of billions in bonuses and stock options, and several of them have become galactic trillionaires with more wealth than some entire small star empires. The 1% of the 1%, their egos are truly suffocating, with many believing themselves to be the true rulers of the galaxy and some even thinking they’re too good for the BrikVerse and are its gods in minifig form.

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The senior management team of Goldman Sucks.

Spoiler: show
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Dr. Kingsley is the Chief Technology Officer. Born to a rich Praetorian family, she is the single largest spender on “client entertainment” expenses at the firm - a tax-deductible way to say drugs and hookers.

Dr. Kraaol is the General Counsel. Born to Tyronian ork immigrants to the USA in a rough neighborhood in the Space Bronx, Dr. Kraaol fought in gang wars and lived in the streets as a thug until he decided to turn his life around, go to law school, and instead become a lawyer thug for the firm.

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Dr. “Dick” Fuller is the Chief Financial Officer. A gay peach ‘Murican, he welcomed the firm’s meritocratic attitudes and rose up despite his disadvantages. Seen as a potential successor to CEO Dr. Kirisaki, he is constantly jockeying for position against the peach-hating Dr. Ābels.

Dr. Ābels is the Chief Operating Officer and President, the second in command of the firm. A former Assyrian special forces commando, Dr. Ābels harbors a deep hatred of peaches and resents having to work with them under the firm’s meritocratic policies. As COO and President, he is in the best position to become CEO after Dr. Kirisaki and plans to roll back the firm’s absolute meritocracy to sack (or preferably kill) all the firm’s peach employees once in power.


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Dr. Irene Kirisaki is the cheerful Chief Executive Officer, Managing Partner, and Chair of the Board of Directors of Goldman Sucks. In her youth, many considered her to have the potential to be one of Trattoria’s greatest mathematicians before she disappointed them by joining the firm. For much of her career, Dr. Kirisaki worked as a quant, a Wall Street mathematician who uses math to cook up exotic and dangerous financial products. She created the Army-Backed Securities that worsened the previous financial crisis, but the money she made for the firm as a result allowed her to quickly rise up. As CEO, she has absolute power over what essentially amounts to an intergalactic star empire as well as the galactic financial markets. Her public appearances are frequently accompanied by protestors, with many seeing her as the face of all that is wrong with galactic capitalism.

Spoiler: show
More backstory: One of the firm’s major innovations is the Army-Backed Securities, essentially a loan to a star empire to help build its army. In exchange, the firm expects the country to raid and conquer its neighbors and to get a cut of the spoils as repayment for the loan and interest. This, coupled with Battle Default Swaps, another exotic financial insurance instrument which essentially let the firm bet on the outcomes of battles, overheated the army-building markets and exacerbated the previous galactic financial crisis.

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Continuing its tradition of financial innovation, the firm, derisively and self-admittedly called a “casino”, has recently explored selling Heroic dice and Bennies as financial products. The idea is to sell these dice to aspiring minifigs, and then collect returns from whatever feats they use them for.


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The firm’s employees travel in style, especially when meeting with clients, in a variety of chrome-gold plated executive vehicles.

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Although normal rich Trattorians have to settle for a mere normal gold-plated Cauchy private shuttle, the firm found the default model to not be luxurious enough and instead commissioned its own fleet of corporate Cauchy shuttles plated with extradimensional chrome gold, the signature of Goldman Sucks vehicles.

Spoiler: show
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Front view.

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Flight mode.

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Corporate signage.

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Rear view.

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Wing/gold close up.

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Side view.


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Office rooftops landings on a company helicopter are the preferred commuting method for senior executives of the firm.

Spoiler: show
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Not counting the pilot, the interior has room for two.

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There are manual controls for a pilot just in case, but like most advanced models these days it can pilot itself (1d10 computer).


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Nothing less than gold-plated hover Rolls Royces were luxurious enough for the firm’s black car service. To incentivize longer hours and harder work, this service is free to all executives who work in the office past 10pm.

Spoiler: show
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Side view.

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Front view.

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Rear view, with a company license plate.

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All four doors open.

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Interior with velvet seats and small computer screens to keep executives updated on stock prices and market developments. There is room for a chauffeur, although like all luxury hovercars in the galaxy it has a self-driving feature.

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Hover engines seamlessly integrated into the body with a traditional car aesthetic.


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The firm maintains an internal “security” force for varied purposes. Although normal corporate security falls within its purview, it also performs forceful debt collection, raids on competitors and other corporate wetwork, and occasionally more ambitious operations such as overthrowing uncooperative or defaulting governments.

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The infantry of the firm are known as the Collateral Recovery Instruments, or CRIs. The firm takes care to do everything it does well, and as such recruits only the best killers and warriors to become CRIs, minifigs who might have become officers or even Heroes in other armies who were swayed by the pay. Chrome gold guns are standard issue to display the wealth of the firm, as are riot shields.

Spoiler: show
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An individual CRI.


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The elite among the CRIs rise up to become officers and honor guard, with chrome-gold plated armor and better chrome gold rifles. These soldiers also usually serve as the personal bodyguards of many of the firm’s senior execs.

Spoiler: show
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Two GS honor guard accompanying the CEO.


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When heavier firepower is needed, the firm also has a spider drone tank to deploy. Unlike its executive vehicles, the firm’s military vehicles are painted in the logo’s colorscheme of sand blue and white, with a little bit of chrome gold.

Spoiler: show
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Top view.

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View of underslung gun.


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One common use of the CRIs is clearing out the annoying protestors who show up in front of the firm’s offices.
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby motorhead fan » Tue Apr 04, 2017 11:35 am

where are those breathing things on the CRIs from?

Also, This is very nice, I like the car, it reminds me of those cars from I, Robot.
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Can the gun aim upwards? Because on mine, it keeps flopping down and it's a bit annoying.
 
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby Scratch » Tue Apr 04, 2017 4:32 pm

Beautiful and Shiny, a good adaption of finance into brikverse.
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby sahasrahla » Tue Apr 04, 2017 10:02 pm

this is a new favorite faction
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby Zupponn » Tue Apr 04, 2017 10:34 pm

When the Goldman Sucks Group wouldn't give Zupponn a loan in the early days of the ZMC, he retaliated by destroying the local branch.  He then used the scrap and valuables that were recovered from the rubble to launch the first major mining operations.  This is the reason why there is no GSG branch anywhere near the ZMC asteroid HQ.
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby AnnoyedZebra » Wed Apr 05, 2017 2:41 am

So both Goldman Sucks and Brikthulhu worshippers run the galaxy?
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby stubby » Wed Apr 05, 2017 8:16 am

Everybody thinks they run the galaxy.
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby aoffan23 » Wed Apr 05, 2017 1:33 pm

I've got to say Colette, your factions have a unique character to them. No one does high-rolling aristocrats quite like you.

I really, really like the look of the CRIs, and the flying Rolls Royce is awesome as well. The spider drone looks a bit out of place IMO, but I see what you're going for. It might look better if you expand this faction and include a bit more of that colour scheme.
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby TheVengefulOne » Sun Apr 09, 2017 5:37 pm

Style: 8.5
Substance: 7.5
Photography: 8.5
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby Kommander Ken » Tue Apr 11, 2017 7:40 pm

Style: 9
Substance: 9
Photography: 10


This just reminded me that I need to go to the bank tomorrow morning. Thanks Colette!
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby aoffan23 » Thu Apr 13, 2017 5:40 am

Style: 9
Substance: 8.5
Photography: 7.5

The chrome gold is what really makes this shine (pun somewhat intended).
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I agree with Warhead.
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby Colette » Wed May 10, 2017 2:32 pm

New Forbes cover featuring the CEO of Goldman Sucks, Dr. Kirisaki:

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Much thanks and credit to BFenix, the man (he also did the Mobfather Scratch Forbes cover).
Last edited by Colette on Tue Aug 15, 2017 10:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Because everything's better with math.
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby Captain-Camper » Wed May 10, 2017 6:06 pm

>not even bloomberg
"Tallyho lads, snuggle the houses and burn the women! Leave not a single potted plant alive! Full speed ahead and damn the cheesemongers"
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seriously?
 
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby Archduke » Wed May 10, 2017 6:54 pm

This reminds me of something else.

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Minifig
 
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Re: Goldman Sucks Group Inc.

Postby Darkstorm » Wed May 10, 2017 8:30 pm

Your Warhammer 40k army? At least that's what it looks like.
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oh god
 
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