Rainbow War II: Jellybean Apocalypse: Gaiden - Turn 3

[Rayhawk]

Just to maintain my own sanity, here's the recap of events so far.  First off, the victories:

WARHEAD (deceased) AND ARKBRIK: VICTORY
Warhead attempted the fishslap maneuver and took an axe in the face for his trouble; meanwhile Arkbrik converted an enemy to his side through the power of communist oratory. The remaining Vladdie, enraged, blew up himself and his catapult.

ASSETS LOST: Sir IVascus (Warhead), Catapult
ASSETS GAINED: Wagon, Ex-Vlad Comrade
ALMIGHTY BENNY AND PILTOGG (deceased): VICTORY
Piltogg discovers a monkey, then destroys the wagon and drops a chunk of it on the Vladdie who kills him.  Almighty Benny fishslaps a horse, and then tramples and aerial sword-drops the trapped and helpless victim.  Piltogg the Monkey throws poo into a Vladdie's face, causing him to shoot himself with his own catapult.

ASSETS LOST: Sir Stalin (Piltogg), wagon, catapult
ASSETS GAINED: Monkey
EPILOGUE: Piltogg the Monkey steals the wizard's hat and magic wand before Almighty Benny can get them, and uses them to turn Sir Stalin's corpse into a horrible Frankenstein monster of burnt wizard parts, spare monkey brains, and transfused Vladtroop blood.  Almighty Benny cruelly forces the Vladtron horse to continue dragging the wagon despite its busted-ass state, while his own horse stands around laughing.
LEPRECHAUN AND LTOBVIOUS: VICTORY
Leprechaun plants a barrel on the rooftop troop's head, disorienting him so he falls into his horse's butt and drops his axe.  Ltobvious is distracted and gets his lunch jacked by the Vladtron horse, and then dropkicks the barrelhead troop into submission.  Leprechaun rips out one of the catapult railings and throws it into a tree, which falls over and pins the remaining Vladtron.

ASSETS LOST: None!
ASSETS GAINED: Two helpless Vladtron prisoners
EPILOGUE: When Dogdu and Rayho show up, they agree that the best use of the pinned Vladtroop is for Stalin to elbow-drop him into oblivion.  He does, and it's so awesome that if I posted a photo of it you would say "Damn!  That's awesome!" After seeing his buddy splattered like a meat-filled water balloon, Dogdu is able to intimidate the remaining Vladtron into getting them through Vladtron's security checkpoints on the way to Vladtron's Dark Fortress.
IVHORSEMAN AND MASTERECABOB: VICTORY
IVhorseman goes banana surfing before flipping out and decapitating the Vladdie on the roof.  The dead Vladdie goes into the catapult; the banana peel lands under the Vladdie on the ground.  MasterEcabob fails to throw a boulder at the ground troop, who then slips on the banana peel before being smashed by his dead buddy, launched out of the catapult.  MasterEcabob then takes great joy in using his boulder to smash the helpless victim into a fine pudding.

ASSETS LOST: None!
ASSETS GAINED: Wagon
EPILOGUE: IVascus is TOTALLY PUMPED by their victory, and opens up the back of the cart to scream at the dead wizard inside.  "AAAAAAAA"

SILENT-SIGFIG AND WARHEAD: VICTORY
Silent-Sigfig kills the Vladtron horse with the Iron Kurtain Rod, then pulls a Crazy Ivan to annihilate the ground troop with the Communist Manifesto.  The trooper on the roof manages to burn himself up, so there's nothing left for Warhead to do but throw his banana at some blood and declare victory.

ASSETS LOST: Vladtron horse
ASSETS GAINED: Wagon
EPILOGUE: IVascus hooks up his horse to the wagon and it's good as new. Hopefully no one notices it's the wrong color.
booty bothered AND MORONSTUDIOS (deceased): VICTORY
Moronstudios attempts the fishslap maneuver that killed his predecessor Warhead, and meets the same fate.  booty bothered delivers a keg to an unexpectedly appreciative vladtroop; then she flips out and kills everyone.  One of the corpses lands axe-first in Moronstudios' crotch.

ASSETS LOST: Sir IVascus (Moronstudios)
ASSETS GAINED: Wagon
EPILOGUE: IVascus's horse scores with the Vladtron horse.

[Rayhawk]

And now, the battles still in progress:

THEBLACKDOG AND LORDOFBRICKS: IN PROGRESS
Lordofbricks tips the wagon over, causing the Vladdies to scramble.  Theblackdog drops his banana, making his horse slip and fall; he backflips over the fallen wagon to decapitate a chump in an awesome move.  Theblackdog grabs the fallen troop's halberd and accidentally catapults it into Theblackdog's face.

ASSETS LOST SO FAR: Proper wagon orientation
MORONSTUDIOS (deceased) AND TZAN: IN PROGRESS
Moronstudios falls over yanking a wagon wheel too hard; this inspires the rooftop troop to completely annihilate him with an aerial axe attack.  Tzan blinds himself with fishguts, then clears his visor only to see the Vladdies looting the corpse.

ASSETS LOST SO FAR: Sir Stalin (Moronstudios)
BENKIM123 AND MUFFINMAN42 (deceased): IN PROGRESS
Muffinman42 chokes a bitch and sets him on fire, then tries to throw the burnt corpse at the troop on the roof.  This goes badly, and Muffinman42 is crushed and burned to death by his own projctile.  Meanwhile, Benkim123 climbs a tree and fails to cut off a branch; the tree (and his horse's face) are then exploded by catapult fire.  He tries to set up a prank date for the Vladtron, to distract him; unfortunately he summons Hagbeard instead and has to endure a socially awkward moment.

ASSETS LOST SO FAR: Sir Stalin (Muffinman42), IVascus's horse, any hope of dignity
ELMAGNIFICO (deceased) AND PSYBERIANHUSKY: IN PROGRESS
Elmagnifico farts explosively, startling the horses and disrupting the Vladdies.  This causes both horses to trample him into paste, a condition from which he is unable to recover; his own horse is knocked off the battlefield Team Rocket style.  Psyberianhusky barrel-fists some dudes, killing one; he hits the other with a door.

ASSETS LOST SO FAR: Sir IVascus (Elmagnifico), IVascus's horse

[piltogg]

victory is a pleasent feeling.

[stubby]

IVascus throws every food he has to the Vladtron troop and yells `Fetch!`. If the hairy man can't resist  a guy who is wearing rainbow armor then he wont resist a guy with food all over his armor, right? what Im trying to say is the hairy man eats the vladtron troop.

IVascus feels sorry that Hagbeard came all the way out for nothing, and offers to make him some dinner.  He tries to yell "Fetch," but it comes out sounding like "Fetish!"

Barely making his Trickster Feat roll, IVascus manages the difficult feat of distracting Hagbeard from eating the Horse Flambe or Seared Stalin au Vladtron, with the hint of some unspecified fruit fetish.

The fruit-spattered Vladdie is not pleased to see Hagbeard using a Sprint die to reach him as fast as possible.

The Vladtroop wants NO PART OF THIS.  He jumps into the catapult and gets the hell out of Dodge!

As usual, he fails the difficult catapult roll and misses IVascus, landing Disrupted nearby.

END OF TURN SUMMARY, BENKIM123 AND MUFFINMAN42 (deceased):
Stalin is still dead, and things just continue to get weirder.  Ready for turn 4 orders!

[stubby]

orders turn 3: break off the catupult and use it as a club to smash the surviver to bits.

Stalin makes a Feat of Strength, tearing the catapult from its hinge, turning it into a Size 3 Melee Weapon.

Wham!

Turn 3 orders: after Stalin finishes beating up the trooper, either stab him or mutilate his corpse.  Then feed the apple to the horse to revive it.

There's not much left to stab or mutilate, so IVascus spends a thoughtful moment desecrating the corpse.

END OF TURN SUMMARY, LRDOFBRICKS AND THEBLACKDOG:
The Vladtroops are defeated and their remains have been treated with the proper respect.  The wagon and both horses are just fine once Stalin uses his strength to lift them right-side-up again; the only damage is to the catapult. Victory!

[stubby]

Stalin will use the power of Contractual Immortality to get back up.

As the Vladtroop puts on the final piece of Stalin's armor, a strange transformation begins to occur!  The rainbow magic of the armor is trying to take over his body and transform him into a new Stalin, Agent-Smith-style!

But the Heroic Feat roll is a failure, and the Vladtroop successfully resists!  What's worse, as a result he now gets all of Sir Stalin's former powers, and becomes Baron Khrushchev!

Turn 3
IVascus :
Ride swiftly toward the trooper nearest

The trooper shouts "No don't try it"

IVascus "Haha! but I have the high ground this time"

Before entering the trooper's weapon range, leap high into the air and over the trooper and his weapon, [thus avoiding getting my "junk cut right the fuck off" like Anakin did].

Land just behind him.

The horse should keep him distracted a bit as it probably bumped into him.

I attack him from the rear.

IVascus has got his work cut out for him now!  But after a late start, he decides to spring into action!  He guns the engine on his horse and spurs it forward, somersaulting through the air He-man style before the Vladtroop can attack.  His acrobatik skill allows him to land neatly in position for a devastating attack from behind.

Forced to choose between dealing with a charging horse in front and a sword from behind, the soldier elects to Bail.

IVascus's horse continues charging forward, hitting IVascus with four inches of KnockBack.

IVascus hasn't used any Feats this turn, so his acrobatix are still in effect; he lands nimbly on his feet as the Horse reaches the end of its movement.  

The orders say "attack him from the rear," and by koincidence, IVascus has landed in perfect position to do so.  Unfortunately he crit-fails the roll and the opportunity is lost.

Baron Krushchev counterattacks!  IVascus blocks with the shield, but only for a measly one point of damage.  Krushchev already used his Feat (in a manner of speaking), so he doesn't get his usual double damage bonus - but a Bonus Die gives him a damage total of ten to IVascus's total armor of five.

IVascus goes down!

END OF TURN SUMMARY, MORONSTUDIOS AND TZAN:
The forces of Vladtron have a new hero tonight!  Thanks to the heroes' dice being cursed on every single roll, Baron Krushchev has eliminated the Rainbow threat to his little red wagon.  DEFEAT!

[stubby]

Turn 3 orders: Forget using the door, and have Stalin equip his sword to cut the final Vlad in half.

Stalin is no longer fucking around.  The Vladtron is not sure whether he is serious.

The Vladtroop fails his futile attempt to parry with the axe.  Oh yeah, he's serious.

END OF TURN SUMMARY, ELMAGNIFICO AND PSYBERIANHUSKY:
IVascus is still paste, and the wagon is now missing a door, but once Stalin gets serious, it's game over for the Vladtron forces.  Victory!

[lrdofbricks]

wow, id never thought id see the day when two heros lost to two minifigs.

[Tzan]

Wow we crit failed every roll  

Just goes to show you, if you make enough universes you'll have every possibility occur.

Good Spock, Evil Spock, Always Rolls a Crit Fail Spock.

[Moronstudios]

...damnit...

[Theblackdog]

Well, that picture wasn't disturbing at all...

still, YAY!  great game!

[Warhead]

Hot-Dog!  

[benkim123]

"Finish him!" Mortal Kombat style.