A strange disturbance in sector 12 [BF17]

BrikWars fiction in long-prose form. Trigger warning: Walls of text

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A strange disturbance in sector 12 [BF17]

Postby Archduke » Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:17 pm

The supersoldier began walking down the corridor, his metal boots making a heavy thud on the decaying wood, his helmet knocking chips of plasted from the sagging ceiling. This place was old, very old. He looked around, in front of him was a screen door, off its hinges, hanging in the doorway. Grass had begun to grow in cracks between the boards now that they were exposed to the elements. There was a door on his left, he knew what was behind that one, the kitchen. A terrible nightmare, what he saw there nearly broke him, it nearly brought him back to the time when… no, not now, he could still hear the song through the walls, he knew that he had to move on, that was in the past, the haunting meaning of the melody would haunt his heart no longer. The soldier spat blood on the dusty boards, he looked to the door on his right, he charged his blaster, ready to blow the shoddy wooden barrier to space particles, but the door swung open before he could charge his shot. He stepped inside. Of course the standard greeting was “Galactik police! Get your filthy claws where I can see them, or I’ll blow you and everything you love to kingdom come!” But this time, the words could not escape his lips, just dry air past through his open mouth. The room was empty, except for a window that poured sunlight on to a frail old man in a green robe, sitting on a mat. The man looked up, his long beard moving with the tilt of his head. “What is it now peasant.” The Soldier sank to his knees, he was built to have no emotions, but something about this little old man broke him. He fell to his knees, sobbing profusely. “I-I-I can’t, I can never save them, each time I open the door, it’s all wrong, it just puts me further away, I don’t know when I will stop the pain of this emotion, Frail Cocoon! Why must I always feel this burden. I can never forget my failure, I was built to be the most..” he stammered, “and every time I’m only a few seconds too late, why must I always feel this powerlessness!” He was screaming now, all he was, all he had ever been, transfigured into a wave of emotion which surrounded the old man. The soldier collapsed in a heap, twitching each time he was rendered powerless, and forced again to watch his eternal trauma like the viewer of a sick film that could never be stopped. “There there,” said the old man, “the old members of the Galactik assembly have all gone, they forgot that I was already in this prison. What they didn’t realise is that I had been bending its reality to my vision.” At this point, the soldier had truly lost control, retreating from the pain of all of his faculties, retreating to the darkest corner of his mind. The old man placed his cold hands on the soldier’s forehead, “at last, he whispered, thank you my friend, your armor shall be a worthy vessel for my escape, and until someone else finds this prison, you shall take my place, but don’t worry, that shouldn’t take long at all, after all there were 4857425078 before you.”
The supersoldier began walking down the corridor, his metal boots making a heavy thud on the decaying wood, his helmet knocking chips of plasted from the sagging ceiling. This place was old, very old. He looked around, in front of him was a screen door, off its hinges, hanging in the doorway. Grass had begun to grow in cracks between the boards now that they were exposed to the elements. There was a door on his left, it just led to the room where he had had the vision, he was still shaking. He hadn’t seen what was in the room to his right, or had he? Either way, he thudded over to the screen door, tossed it across the property and made for his spaceship.
A smile Worth Protecting!
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Archduke
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Re: A strange disturbance in sector 12 [BF17]

Postby Insert_blank » Thu Jan 04, 2018 9:19 pm

Concept and Theme: 3 I like that it's some sort of loop but you didn't explain what this is about or even if it's BW related in any way. Very confused about what this story is about honestly but I like the idea.
Form: 3 I also was kind of confused by the way the story went. It seemed like the soldier had some sort of past but I didn't understand it. And then he coughed up blood but I don't really understand why.
Voice: 3 Same as above. For only two character there was little to differentiate them or make them sound unique.
Style: 6 I think this whole short was two giant paragraphs and that added to my confusion honestly. I can't really understand what you were going for or what happened.

Total: 15
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Re: A strange disturbance in sector 12 [BF17]

Postby Scratch » Thu Jan 04, 2018 10:16 pm

Concept and Theme -- 9
Form -- 5
Voice -- 5
Style -- 12
The only unflawed system is Lego System.
Zupponn wrote:
Colette wrote:You're free to make your own map from scratch, however.

All you have to do is flatten his head.

Silverdream wrote:TL;DR Be like Scratch.

Captain-Camper wrote:tl;dr I'm just going to assume don't be like voin and be more like scratch.
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Re: A strange disturbance in sector 12 [BF17]

Postby mgb519 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:44 am

Concept and Theme: 8 - interesting story idea, and good tone.
Form: 5 - The story is confusing in the way that makes it fun for me to try to figure it out, but it's still so hard to follow that I couldn't recommend it to anyone else.
Voice: 9 - I like the descriptions, and I like the dialogue of the soldier even if I do feel a bit lost. Before I read it, I didn't know I would like it quite so much
Style: WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT WALL OF TEXT pls don't do this next time, it makes it harder to pick out the parts that really work. Otherwise, good job getting me invested in this character on such short notice. - 15
Total: 37
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