shit. lets be santa [FINALE]

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shit. lets be santa [FINALE]

Postby Theblackdog » Mon Dec 24, 2018 11:32 am

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Twas the night before Saturnalia, which might be the last
For the word was that Ragnablok would come to pass
But at the North Pole, Santa plans no delay
For deliveries on this final holiday.


When suddenly, there was a terrible clatter
And his faithful elves looked to see what was the matter.
Lo and behold, 'twas an enormous legion
Of enraged minifigs, come to this northern region.


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Some wanted new weapons for battles ahead.
Others the glory of killing St. Nick dead.
A mob of mercs, raiders, pirates, and more
All of them aimed to break through Santa's door.


Said Santa, "You're all on my naughty list.
And 'stead of coal, I'll give you the gift of my fist."
Indeed, 'twas the season for one final fight
And Santa had plans to stack bodies tonight.




Rules: Anyone can post orders for Santa and his Elves in this thread. Once I have enough interesting orders, I'll play out a round. The enemies will be NPC'd by me - additional enemy reinforcements will arrive starting from turn 2.
Santa is a Hero with 5 Wounds, and he has 12 Elves - 8 up on the wall with rifles and 4 down below with spears and shields.

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A closer look at some of the items in Santa's fort. Some of these may be useful, especially in combination with...

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The Toy-O-Matic 9001. This experimental device takes two or more objects and combines them in unpredictable and sometimes dangerous ways. But hey, that's what the kids like.
Last edited by Theblackdog on Fri Jan 11, 2019 3:53 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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Re: shit. lets be santa

Postby ninja_bait » Mon Dec 24, 2018 11:43 am

Yes, as santa I will take two elves and put them in the toy-o-matic.
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Re: shit. lets be santa

Postby Arkbrik » Mon Dec 24, 2018 12:18 pm

Looks like a fortified turret gun or something in the toy pile? Two elves are gonna bring that to the wall and blast the invaders.
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Re: shit. lets be santa

Postby ninja_bait » Mon Dec 24, 2018 12:37 pm

The hoomans are going to charge at the door and smash it.
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Re: shit. lets be santa

Postby Falk » Mon Dec 24, 2018 12:45 pm

One of the elves takes a chug from the keg on the table.
BrikWars 2010 Rules wrote:BrikWars ... stands in pretty direct opposition to many fundamental elements of the LEGO® philosophy, such as "Not Teaching Kids How Funny It Is to Set People on Fire."
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 1]

Postby Theblackdog » Mon Dec 24, 2018 1:42 pm

ninja_bait wrote:Yes, as santa I will take two elves and put them in the toy-o-matic.

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You stuff two of your loyal Elves into the Toy-O-Matic. This won't be a problem for them, you're sure.

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Uh oh.

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You make 12 gallons of blood.

10 ELFS REMAINING

Arkbrik wrote:Looks like a fortified turret gun or something in the toy pile? Two elves are gonna bring that to the wall and blast the invaders.

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One of your Elves hauls the Merry Minigun up to the parapet. FYI, also on the table are the Wassail Warhammer, the Bacchanal Bazooka, the Festive Flamethrower, and the Saturnalia Sniper. Along with some toys that aren't really weapons, but may be interesting if combined with other items in the Toy-O-Matic.

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Using his Elf ingenuity, he's able to convert it to a mounted weapon.

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It's probably a good time to start opening fire.

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KILLS: 5

Falk wrote:One of the elves takes a chug from the keg on the table.

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One of your elves finds your Maniac Beer.

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Goddammit, you were saving that for later.

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Half the beer is gone. All skill and damage rolls this elf makes in melee combat are rolled on D12s, but he's too drunk to use anything except melee weapons. The prick.

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The remaining ranged enemies fire back, but the walls provide your elves with good cover and none of them get hit.

ninja_bait wrote:The hoomans are going to charge at the door and smash it.

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You don't actually control them, but they were going to do that anyway.

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The heavy melee troops bring one of the doors down to half its Size.

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A mech arrives, along with some melee troops with shields.

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Overwatch.

Awaiting orders for turn 2.
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 1]

Postby Falk » Mon Dec 24, 2018 1:55 pm

The drunk elf puts his shield and spear in the toyomatic
BrikWars 2010 Rules wrote:BrikWars ... stands in pretty direct opposition to many fundamental elements of the LEGO® philosophy, such as "Not Teaching Kids How Funny It Is to Set People on Fire."
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 1]

Postby Arkbrik » Mon Dec 24, 2018 3:05 pm

KILLS: 5


HO HO HO MOTHERFUCKERS

Let's get that festive flamethrower up on the wall and roast some turkeys, see if we can set the mech on fire.
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 1]

Postby ninja_bait » Mon Dec 24, 2018 3:17 pm

I put the blood, an elf, and the nearest object into the toy-o-matic.
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 1]

Postby Theblackdog » Mon Dec 24, 2018 4:05 pm

Falk wrote:The drunk elf puts his shield and spear in the toyomatic

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The drunken elf staggers to the Toy-O-Matic and dumps his spear and shield inside.

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He makes the Stabby Shield, the perfect synthesis of attack and defense. Another victory for drunk strategy.

ninja_bait wrote:I put the blood, an elf, and the nearest object into the toy-o-matic.

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Fuck that. Punk ass elf stole your Maniac Beer, he needs to be taught a lesson. You sort of roll him around in the blood like a sponge so he absorbs as much as possible.

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You shove him into the Toy-O-Matic along with his shield.

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You make a Drunken Elf Medik with a Syringe full of Eggnog. He's still too inebriated to heal anyone, but he may be able to buff them with intravenous Saturnalia cheer.

Arkbrik wrote:
KILLS: 5


HO HO HO MOTHERFUCKERS

Let's get that festive flamethrower up on the wall and roast some turkeys, see if we can set the mech on fire.


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An elf swaps his rifle for the Festive Flamethrower.

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The gun line up on the wall opens fire again.

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Between the Festive Flamethrower and the Merry Minigun, they do enough damage to take out the mech. One shield minifig and one rifleman are also killed. Enemy return fire once again does fuck all.

KILLS: 8

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The heavy melee troops and the two troops with shields continue hacking away at the gate.

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The two other melee troops manage to climb on top of it.

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A bunch more reinforcements show up. Three cavalry, five troops with rifles and riot shields, a minigunner, and an Immortal Maniac with a giant sword and a multi-rocket launcher.
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 2]

Postby Arkbrik » Mon Dec 24, 2018 4:11 pm

An elf needs to grab the wassail warhammer and defend the breach. Let's keep roasting the reinforcements
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 2]

Postby ninja_bait » Mon Dec 24, 2018 4:39 pm

That can't be right....

I use Santa's heroic feat to kick the toy-o-matic until something awesome comes out.
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 2]

Postby Kommander Ken » Mon Dec 24, 2018 7:44 pm

One of the elves on the ground level should hack at the Manly Santa Day tree to use as a barricade.
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 2]

Postby Theblackdog » Mon Dec 24, 2018 9:38 pm

ninja_bait wrote:That can't be right....

I use Santa's heroic feat to kick the toy-o-matic until something awesome comes out.


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Stupid piece of shit toy machine. Probably just needs a good swift kick.

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You kick it a bit too hard.

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It lands input-first on the Saturnalia tree and the Wassail Warhammer.

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And spits out the mighty Kringlemallet. Unfortunately, it breaks in the process.

Kommander Ken wrote:One of the elves on the ground level should hack at the Manly Santa Day tree to use as a barricade.

Sorry, I guess things got a bit out of hand. The remains of the Toy-O-Matic should function pretty well as a barricade, though.

Arkbrik wrote:An elf needs to grab the wassail warhammer and defend the breach. Let's keep roasting the reinforcements

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An elf jumps down and grabs the Kringlemallet.

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Even though a normal elf can barely lift it, a lucky skill roll lets him knock an enemy off the gate.

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The elves open fire.

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Two riflemen and two cavalry are burned down.

KILLS: 12

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The maniac launches all four of his rockets...

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...and, in true Maniac fashion, kills four of his own troops while only managing to knock the Festive Flamethrower out of its wielder's hand.

KILLS: 16 (?)

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The infantry do a bit better, though. The minigunner kills two elves while the riflemen take out a third.

ELVES REMAINING: 7

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The armored melee trooper and the sole remaining cavalryfig gang up on the gate, but can't break it down any further.

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The Maniac ditches his empty rocket launcher and makes a heroic leap, inflicting another point of damage on the door. The riflemen all move up too.

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A squad of jetpackers with chainsaws shows up. They'll be trouble if they make it over the wall.

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Overwatch.
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Re: shit. lets be santa [TURN 2]

Postby ninja_bait » Mon Dec 24, 2018 10:16 pm

I, santa, grab those Manly Santa Day shields and chuck them at the jetpackers to knock them out of the air.  Then they richochet right back into elven hands.
I make apocalypses and apocalypse accessories.
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