Can't Stop a Rolling Stone

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PandoraNuker
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Can't Stop a Rolling Stone

Post by PandoraNuker » Sat Sep 07, 2019 9:27 pm

Previously

December 2018
Goldman Sucks Headquarters, Planet New York, United Systems Alliance


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All three hundred Partners of the firm, the “masters of the BrikVerse” with billion dollar salaries, have gathered in the New York office’s auditorium. The management committee of division heads and senior executives, elite among the elite, stand on the stage. All of them but one, of course…

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They murmur amongst themselves for the reason behind this impromptu firmwide gathering.

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Guard: Presenting the Chief Executive Officer, Managing Partner, and Chair of the Board of Directors: Dr. Irene Kirisaki!
*applause*

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CEO Dr. Kirisaki: Thank you, thank you. My gratitude to the firm’s entire partnership for coming to planet New York on such short notice - special shout to Dr. Antonio Valdarez, Head of Extragalactic Banking, for coming back from a client roadshow all the way in the Tharcan Galaxy. And thank you to the firm’s thirty thousand other employees listening to this on the conference line, let’s give it up for them as well for making all of this possible!
*applause*
CEO Dr. Kirisaki: Now, now, I promise I have an announcement that will justify this extraordinary gathering here today.

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CEO Dr. Kirisaki: First, though I may be the smartest minifig in the room, I’d like to recognize that I and the firm wouldn’t be here today without the contributions from my outstanding Division Heads and fellow senior executives.
*applause*
CEO Dr. Kirisaki: I would also like to credit my mentor and predecessor, former CEO Dr. Blanc. If you happen to have an opportunity to watch this later, Dr. Blanc, I’d just like to say: thank you.

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CEO Dr. Kirisaki: Now, I know where you think this is going, and I am sure there are a few senior executives trembling in anticipation behind me. I am so proud of this firm, and everything all of you have accomplished, throughout our one hundred fifty year history, and during the thirty-six years that I have poured my life into our great endeavor. But I will say this: it is not easy to say goodbye. Especially when it is I, who am saying goodbye.
*gasps*

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CEO Dr. Kirisaki: Effective immediately, I, Dr. Irene Kirisaki, CEO and all the other titles, am saying goodbye, to this entire firm.

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CEO Dr. Kirisaki: I literally mean it. I’m saying goodbye to all of you. Every single employee and partner of this firm is being let go.

*murmurs*

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Lord Arthur Argyle, Galactic Co-Head of the Sales & Trading Division: CEO Kirisaki, what is the meaning of this?

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CEO Dr. Kirisaki: The Meritocratic Republic of Trattoria, and our formal articles of incorporation with it, have been canceled. All financial markets have also been canceled. I have discussed the matter with the Board of Directors, and we have come to the conclusion that in light of these circumstances and in the face of impending Ragnablok that will end the Nehellenium Galaxy and the BrikVerse, it is impossible to continue business. Thus Goldman Sucks and all of its subsidiaries are dissolved, and all of its employees let go.

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CEO Dr. Kirisaki: All of you Partners will receive at least one trillion dollars in severance - I recommend you find a way to spend it before you fade away into irrelevant oblivion from the kanon. Your expense accounts, corporate cards, plot armor, shuttle/helicopter/car service, access to firm systems, and other benefits have been revoked. As for the other thirty thousand normal employees, they can fight over whatever assets are left.

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CEO Dr. Kirisaki: If you have any questions about this process, please reach out to our General Counsel, Dr. Urglebarft Kraaol; our Galactic Head of HR, Dr. Krystyna Michałkiewicz; and our Galactic Head of Compliance, Dr. Hana Nishimiya.

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General Counsel Dr. Kraaol: Mah lawyerin’ dayz over, CEO. Ah’m joiningz meh fellow BROOTALZ now!

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Former General Counsel Dr. Kraaol: BROOTALZ!
CEO Dr. Kirisaki: Um, Dr. Nishimiya, you have a law degree, right? Good, I’m putting you down as the last General Counsel on record during the firm’s dissolution.

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COO Dr. Ozolai Ābels: This is an outrage, CEO Kirisaki! You’ve overstepped your authority!

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Dr. Nanako Miyauchi, Galactic Head of the Investment Banking Division: Dr. Kirisaki, our firm has stood one hundred and fifty years. It has not only survived but profited off the Great Depression and the Great Recession and everything in between. The end of the universe and the collapse of Trattoria are not obstacles, they are opportunities! How can we pass up potentially the most profitable events in the history of the BrikVerse!

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COO Dr. Ābels: I agree!
Dr. Miyauchi: Come on - Dr. Varadhan, Lord Argyle, Frau von Holst - you guys are the co-heads of Sales & Trading, the chaos division! Back me up here! Even if you and the board declare us finished, I have faith the partnership will ignore you weaklings and rise again!

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CEO Dr. Kirisaki: That is all. You are dismissed. If you don’t have your own private shuttle, I’d recommend booking the first thing out of JFK spaceport and making a contingency before everyone else in the galaxy realizes what’s just happened, and all law and order start breaking down.

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Dr. Miyauchi: Cowards!

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Dr. Miyauchi: Even you, Dr. Fuller? I looked up to you as a mentor.
CFO Dr. Dick Fuller: I bought Imperial Magikstrate investment visas for myself and my boyfriend. Maybe we can start a new business after this whole Ragnablok end-of-the-universe thing blows over, but until then I’ve got a bunker on Stearus. I’d recommend you do something similar.

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Dr. Miyauchi: What are you sticking around for, you stupid law-degree, back-office support? I never understood why your position needed to be Partner-level, stupid regulations. What could you possibly do for the firm at this point?
Dr. Hana Nishimiya, Galactic Head of Compliance: Well, I also have a few strong convictions of my own, as one might expect of a compliance person. Much like you, really.
Dr. Miyauchi: So what?
Dr. Nishimiya: There was a deal.
Dr. Miyauchi: And? I know all the deals.

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Dr. Nishimiya: Not this one. Dr. Valdarez came directly to the CEO and I. Very complicated tax avoidance scheme done through a foreign bond offering, barely legal.
Dr. Miyauchi: Hold a second, I’m the head of the entire Investment Banking Division. Why was I left out of a deal?
Dr. Nishimiya: It was for a very…special, client, let’s say. We wanted to protect you and your institutional knowledge in case it went wrong. But now that the Trattorian government is gone, the duty falls on the private sector.
Dr. Miyauchi: What duty?

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Dr. Nishimiya: You know, what you want. Stopping or undoing Ragnablok. Bringing back Trattoria.
Dr. Miyauchi: …How is that even possible? Who’s the client? What’s so special about them?
Dr. Nishimiya: I don’t know the client myself. We’ll have to ask a Trattorian physicist.

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Kommander Ken
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Re: Can't Stop a Rolling Stone

Post by Kommander Ken » Sat Sep 07, 2019 10:32 pm

Holy shit yes. This. This is hype. :omnom:

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Re: Can't Stop a Rolling Stone

Post by Bookwyrm » Sun Sep 08, 2019 2:35 am

👀

PandoraNuker
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Re: Can't Stop a Rolling Stone

Post by PandoraNuker » Sun Sep 08, 2019 8:37 am

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Immortal Optio: Our position has been badly reduced at this point - we’ve lost all of our vehicular and air support, and the bulk of our infantry. I hate to say it, but we might want to recognize we’ve been had and either fall back or surrender under favorable -
Sigma Shard: WELL SPAFF YOUR MOTHER BUT DID YA JUST SUGGEST SURRENDERING YA ONE-BALL COWARD!

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Immortal Optio: This is not a fight we can win at this point.

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Stratego Dr. Inari Kaizuka: Target acquired. Under the conventions of war, the Trattorian armed forces are willing to offer you prisoners-of-war status. Some of may you be asked to participate in scientific experimentation.

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Sigma Shard: WHAT CONVENTIONS OF WAR? DO YA THINK I’M AFRAID OF DEATH, YOU TWATTORIAN? I’M FUCKING IMMORTAL, YOU EGGHEAD! BRING IT!

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Stratego Dr. Kaizuka: Very well.

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Stratego Dr. Kaizuka: Weapons hot, you are free to engage.

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Immortal Phalanxes: Eugh!

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Sigma Shard: STAND AND FIGHT FOR YER EMPIRE! IMMORTALIS!

Meanwhile in orbit...

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Onboard the TNF Euler-Mascheroni Constant
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Stratego Dr. Sakura Shiina: This is Stratego Dr. Sakura Shiina of the Sector III Fleet, ordering you to stand down.

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Stratego Dr. Kaizuka: Dr. Shiina? With all frankness, but we have achieved a superior tactical position, with an opportunity to capture the Sigma Sha -
Stratego Dr. Shiina: That is a direct order, and I outrank you. Let them go.

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Stratego Dr. Kaizuka: But why?
Stratego Dr. Shiina: Trattoria has, displeasingly, been cancelled. As a result, the Chief Stratego last ordered me to halt all military operations under my command until further notice.
Stratego Dr. Kaizuka: Can’t we think of something else?
Stratego Dr. Shiina: Orders are orders are orders.

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Stratego Dr. Kaizuka: …Very well then. All units, stand down.

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Sigma Shard: HEHE, I’LL MAKE YA REGRET LETTING ME GO. THERE AIN’T NO MERCY IN THE IMMORTAL RANKS. KILL OR BE KILLED, AND I CAN’T BE KILLED.

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Stratego Dr. Kaizuka: What now?
Stratego Dr. Shiina: Well, we now have a fifth of the Trattorian fleet and armed forces, including several ships capable of destroying stars, and no higher authority or objective to answer to. I am unsure myself, but we have a surfeit of possibilities.

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