You must talk like James T. Kirk in this forum at all times. Leonard Nimoy is fine too.
QS Reporter: Hello, this is Quantumsurfer Zee filling in for Quantumsurfer Green, who was found accidentally crushed under a tank tread this morning. Our top story is a preemptive strike launched by the Reiist army[ in the sector of the upcoming German offensive. In other news, the Reiist state entered into an agreement with the fledgling nation of Legotavia and the openly d a p p e r bank robber Dr Monkey Head(who sources report is secretly a bonobo) has been spotted on the loose in multiple locations across Columbia.
German Reporter: Hallo, this is Erika Wittmann reporting for Der Scheisser. State publications have revealed that Captain Otto von Seydltiz is to posthumously receive the Brick Cross for his heroic defence against the barbarous Reiist hordes.
Americana Reporter: Howdy, this is Chuck Sturgis reporting for Americana News Network. Our top stories are the synthesis of a new variety of Apple Pie made with 30% more of Grandma's love and President Bernbot Sanders's promise to find a diplomatic solution to the Reiist hostage crisis.
Columbia Reporter: Yo, this is Chad Sturgis reporting for the Rad News Network. Our top story today is president Robot Huey Long's promise to rescue the Americanian ambassador from those crackpot Reiists!