Goldman Sucks Characters

This page is essentially a depository for information on Goldman Sucks characters. Although the firm is not a sovereign entity in its own right, it employs minifigs from across the galaxy and across many nationalities, and thus grouping them together on one page is more convenient than scattering them on their respective national Character Indexes.

• Helpful hint: To link to a character on here, use [[Goldman Sucks Characters#Character name as exactly appears here|Character name as you want it to appear]]

Executive Office Division

The senior leadership of the firm.

CEO Dr. Kirisaki

Nationality: Trattorian/USA (dual citizen)

Corporate Rank: Partner (CEO)

Dr. Irene Kirisaki is the cheerful Chief Executive Officer, Managing Partner, and Chair of the Board of Directors of Goldman Sucks. In her youth, spent in Harvard's undergraduate and Ph.D. math programs, many considered her to have the potential to be one of Trattoria’s greatest mathematicians before she disappointed them by joining the firm. For much of her career, Dr. Kirisaki worked as a quant, a Wall Street mathematician who uses math to cook up exotic and dangerous financial products. In her time on the mortgages trading desk, she created the Army-Backed Securities that worsened the previous financial crisis, but the money she made for the firm as a result allowed her to quickly rise up. As CEO, she has absolute power over what essentially amounts to an intergalactic star empire as well as the galactic financial markets. Her public appearances are frequently accompanied by protestors, with many seeing her as the face of all that is wrong with galactic capitalism.

Although a Trattorian Citizen, Dr. Kirisaki has spent the vast majority of her life in the USA, and obtained her USA citizenship through the ballyhooed multibillion dollar "investment" visa. CEO since before the 2004 BrikVerse Financial Krisis, speculation always exists that she might be tapped to become a USA Treasury Secretary or Federal Reserve Chair, or simply retire after an almost four decade career at the firm, which would trigger a massive succession crisis between Drs. Ābels and Fuller.

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  At shareholders meeting.

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  "Occupy Wall St." protestors.

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  On the cover of Forbes.

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  Meeting with USA President Trump.

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  At work.

COO Dr. Ābels

Nationality: Assyrian

Corporate Rank: Partner (COO)

Dr. Ozolai Ābels is the Chief Operating Officer and President, the second in command of the firm. A former Assyrian special forces commando with a Ph.D. in mechanical engineering from Austere University, Dr. Ābels joined as a commodities trader (primarily in antimatter and space oil) and eventually became COO. He harbors a deep hatred of peaches and resents having to work with them under the firm’s meritocratic policies. As COO and President, he is in the best position to become CEO after Dr. Kirisaki and plans to roll back the firm’s absolute meritocracy to sack (or preferably kill) all the firm’s peach employees once in power. He also has an interest in electronic dance music and DJs at parties in his spare time, and works out constantly to keep his fit and physically intimidating physique.

CFO Dr. "Dick" Fuller

Nationality: USA

Corporate Rank: Partner (CFO)

Dr. Richard “Dick” Fuller is the Chief Financial Officer. A gay peach ‘Murican, he faced much discrimination early on in his life, including his father disowning him, but managed to study economics at Harvard. He welcomed the firm’s meritocratic attitudes, joining the firm as an investment banker in leveraged finance. He rose up despite his disadvantages, to become head of the Investment Banking Division and now CFO. Now seen as a potential successor to CEO Dr. Kirisaki, he is constantly jockeying for position against the peach-hating Dr. Ābels.

He played a major role in convincing Trattorian Legislator Dr. Kamishiraishi to provide a key swing vote to ratify a Non-Aggression Pact between Trattoria and the M-Throne Empire, opening up an entire new galaxy to business for the firm.

General Counsel Dr. Kraaol

Nationality: USA

Corporate Rank: Partner (General Counsel)

Dr. Urglebarft Kraaol is the General Counsel. Born in abject poverty to Tyronian ork immigrants to the USA in a rough neighborhood in the Space Bronx, Dr. Kraaol fought in interspecies gang wars and lived on the streets as a thug until he decided to turn his life around, go to Harvard law school, and instead become a lawyer thug for the firm. Among his accomplishments include clerking for a USA Supreme Court Justice and managing to keep firm management out of legal responsibility during the 2004 BrikVerse Financial Krisis.

CTO Dr. Kingsley

Nationality: Praetorian

Corporate Rank: Partner (Chief Technology Officer)

Dr. Isabelle Kingsley is the Chief Technology Officer and leader of the firm's Technologist Division. Born to a rich Praetorian family and an alumni of RARCom's Knolrhekk University, she is the single largest spender on “client entertainment” expenses at the firm - a tax-deductible way to say drugs and hookers.

Investment Banking Division

The snotty elites with Poison Ivy League degrees and $10k suits who bank for countries, Fortune 666 corporations, and trillionaires.

Partner Dr. Miyauchi

Nationality: Trattorian/USA (dual citizen)

Corporate Rank: Partner (Division Head)

Dr. Nanako (Nancy) Miyauchi is a Partner and the Galactic Head of the Investment Banking Division. The daughter of a high-flying Trattorian GS investment banker and the Trattorian ambassador to the USA, she is among the few Trattorians to have grown up outside Trattoria. Although still a genius by galactic standards, as a result she lagged somewhat behind in math behind her Trattorian peers, a point of much derision. Even after completing her mandatory Ph.D. at Harvard for economics, she nearly declined Trattorian citizenship to be a 'Murican instead.

Unable to find work at any other major Trattorian firms, she joined Goldman Sucks as an investment banker in capital markets. With a charming smile and an uncanny ability to close deals, Dr. Miyauchi powered through 120 hour weeks amidst the cutthroat competition in the Investment Banking Division, even suffering a heart attack (or a few) in her junior years. Eventually she rose to the top as Galactic Head of the division. Occasionally a co-head is appointed alongside her, but they never last for long.

In addition to her role as Partner and IBD Division Head, she serves as the firm's ambassador to the Allied Nations as an observer state.

MD Hanson

Nationality: Britannian

Corporate Rank: Managing Director

Mr. Hanson is a Managing Director in the Investment Banking Division, specializing in corporate debt. He is a close confidant of CFO Dr. Fuller, the two having been longtime colleagues in the division.

Sales & Trading Division

Salespeople, traders, and quants who try to make money off the markets - stocks, bonds, currencies, commodities, interest rates, mortgages, and unimaginably weirder stuff.

Partner Dr. Varadhan

Nationality: Trattorian

Corporate Rank: Partner (Division Co-Head)

Dr. Ashukla Varadhan is a Partner and Galactic Co-Head of the Sales & Trading Division. A Nobel Prize winner and former Department Chair in the Trattorian Science Department, he was recruited into the firm's swaps trading desk. His fellow Sales & Trading Division co-heads are the Bavarian Ms. Von Holst and the Britannian Lord Argyle.

Asset Management Division

These people get money from clients with too much to deal with and try their best to not lose it while holding onto it.

Support Divisions

Back-office support people such as Legal, Compliance, HR, Accounting, Risk Management, Technologists, etc.

Deceased/Retired Personnel

MD Dr. Chhabra

Nationality: Trattorian

Corporate Rank: Managing Director.

Dr. Chhabra was the Managing Director of Mergers & Acquisitions, Investment Banking Division, at the Britannian planet New London office. He was lured out by his old college friend Lord Wildman, captured by Immortal forces seeking proprietary information, and eventually killed by the Sigma Shard.