Battle in the Chat: Ice Cream Edition

[Colette]

In a pattern that must by now be clichéd and monotonous, an ice cream gets stuck in the middle of nowhere. This isn't any ordinary ice cream truck however- in a secretive deal with the Space Mafia, the ice cream truck had agreed to smuggle some RbT with them.


And as usual, a variety of factions appear to take control of it.

Bavarians: Silverdream

Objective: Steal the RbT to use on the Trattorians.

Space Mafia + Rei: Scratch

Objective: Take back the RbT for further drug dealing.

Trattorians:

Objective: Confiscate the RbT for scientific research.

[Colette]

Bavarians

The Bavarians all line up against the Space Mafia.


Despite one crit-fail and another aiming mistake, the Bavarians manage to wipe out a good portion of the Space Mafiosos. The Godfather Scratch stands proudly among his redshirts' corpses however.


The fighter then inflicts two points of size damage on the Space Mafia car, after rolling three crits in a row on skill.

[Colette]

Space Mafia

The car launches a missile at the Trattorian helicopter.


The missile misses by three inches, but considering its size it ultimately didn't matter.


The entire Trattorian infantry line is reduced to chunky red salsa, while the helicopter sustains two points of size damage.


The Mobfather Scratch hitches a ride on the speeder.


After attempting to win over the Ice Cream truck people with his charisma and intimidation tactics, an ice cream man jumps out and smushes the Mobfather's globe face with blue ice cream, staining it and his expensive jacket.

"We'll never join you! We're keeping this RbT!"


The other speeder orients itself toward the Bavarian fighter...


When it promptly explodes due to a critical failure.

[Colette]

Trattoria

The Trattorian helicopter moves up and tries to fire at the Ice Cream truck, but is totally ineffectual.

[Colette]

Bavaria

Every single gun Bavaria has is aimed at the Mobfather Scratch...


He, and the two people next to him, are red-misted. Mysteriously, the Mobfather's globe head is nowhere to be seen, although presumed to be shredded to pieces.

[Colette]

Space Mafia

The Space Mafia car launches a missile at the Bavarians, angrily proclaiming "For the Mobfather!"


Unfortunately, the pilot's rage and inexperience caused the missile to miss its target by four inches, landing on an unfortunate laggard.


Thanks to the inaccuracy, only three Bavarians die.


The car then tries to ram the Trattorian helicopter, to no effect.


Finally, reinforcements arrive.

[Colette]

Trattoria

Lab Director Leopold: "Do be careful with that, I want it flawless when it comes back to us, and that means no paint scratches!"
Dr. Shimura: "I understand, Lab Director. I assure you that I will defeat these imbeciles quickly and efficiently."


The Lancelot jumps on the Space Mafia car, crushing it into the ground. It then fires a Slash Harken at the Bavarian fighter, causing minor engine damage.


It then whipped back the Slash Harken, dragging the fighter onto the ground and into the ice cream truck. The Bavarian troopers in the way bailed to safety, unfortunately.


Dr. Shimura: "I am Lancelot, the future of warfare! With this, I shall vanquish the poor reputation of Trattorian ground forces!"

[Colette]

Bavaria

"Bavarians! Fire everything we've got at that monster! Take it down!"


Dr. Shimura: "Unenlightened rabble! The Lancelot is impervious to your mere conventional weaponry!"

[Colette]

Space Mafia

The tow-truck drops it ATM-cargo before zooming to the other side of the field.


It hooks on to the Trattorian helicopter and swings it at the Lancelot's legs.


Dr. Shimura, anticipating the move, brings his laser sword downward and slices the helicopter in twain as it reached his mech's knee.


The rockfish alien sprinted to the Ice Cream truck and prepares to board it.

[Colette]

Trattoria

Dr. Shimura: "This melee combat is entertaining."


He then cuts through the cabin of the Space Mafia Tow Truck, killing the pilot.


Dr. Shimura: "Computer, aim the chlorine trifluoride thrower at those Bavarian imbeciles over there."


The ClF3 sets fire to the metal fighter, before reacting with the two troopers and exploding in a cloud of acid fumes. The knight is knocked off and disrupted by the reaction's explosion.

[Colette]

Secret Faction Unlocked: Space Nazis, controlled by theblackdog

(they will come in turn order after the Trattorians)

[Colette]

Space Nazis

The Prowlers combine fire on the Lancelot.


It penetrates the shield, but the remaining damage is insufficient to harm the mech.

[Colette]

Bavaria

"Keep firing everything we got at thing! There's still a chance! Aim for the legs!"

The heavy missed, but the rifleman's shot rang true, and a few crits later...


Dr. Shimura: "What the fuck? How the fuck...that imbecile brought down the White Knight of Trattoria? How the f..."

The Lancelot's knee joint was destroyed due to the coverage limitations of the shield.

[Colette]

Trattoria

Dr. Shimura: "Nevertheless, as a Trattorian scientist I will protect the honor of the enlightened and fight to the last!"

After activating his teleporter, and a quick consultation with the Brikwars 2001 "Heisenberg Ker-Pow Table"...


The Lancelot sat motionless, its power down and the pilot inactive. The structure was there, but the data on its computers and the memories of its passenger no longer were. The teleporter had crit-failed and resulted in a subatomic drift.


Meanwhile, hovering above the planet in a Clark orbit, the dreadnought Acumen was buzzing in commotion.

"The Lancelot's gone silent!"
"Is it really true how one Bavarian..."
"Dr. Shimura's gone brain-dead! I knew that teleporter was suspicious."


Dr. Leopold: "Please, Department Chair Ong, have mercy! Such a design flaw would have been unnoticeable to the average soldier. Even getting the Blaze Luminous to function properly was a miracle!"
Dr. Ong: "In science, failure is a matter of a course and an opportunity to convalesce and progress. However, the magnitude of this catastrophe is unforgivable. The defeat of our greatest war machine ever permitted to test on foreign soil, to a single Bavarian rifleman, is an inexorable error. It is an unmitigated humiliation of our nation's intellectuals and innovative talent. For this insult to the Engineering Department I hereby strip you of your rank and your Ph.D. Report to planet Pouvoir for your new assignment as a military conscript."
Admiral Fleur: "And of the security of the situation?"
Dr. Ong: "We have already self-destructed the Lancelot planet side to prevent its technology from falling into foreign hands. We have a few extra frames on Soledad. Oh, and we'll let the Bavarians keep the RbT if they so please. We do have a countermeasure for that now, after all, thanks to the wonderful efforts of Dr. Pang and his associates."

Bavaria/Third Alliance wins.

[Kaplan]

This battle looks great. I liked how it ended with a short story.

After reading your report, I go and check wiki and search the forum what a RbT is. As much I understand It's a poweful element but I couldn't find any pictures of it.