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Communique to Space Mafia wrote:

Mobfather Scratch,

This is ██. ████, a frequent customer of yours. It has been a pleasure soliciting your services and doing business with your agents.

Listen, I need a big favor this time around. I know I’ve had your agents steal research in the past, but this is a little different. I want access to every unredacted report of the [DATA EXPUNGED], particularly the Physics Department ones.



The above image is that of Lab Director Dr. Kruszewski, Special Administrator of the Trattorian-occupied Valorian Annex and the de-facto head of the [DATA EXPUNGED]. She’s essentially the Chief Scientist’s de-facto lieutenant, and therefore has special level-5 access to all unredacted [DATA EXPUNGED] reports. Therefore, I want you guys to steal her Macbook, and in exchange, you will receive a payment of 50 billion USA dollars, as well as [DATA REDACTED]. You may use your typical partners and false flags, such as the Peach Pirates and Venetians.

Oh, one more note- I’ll be doing my best to make life easy for you in terms of security, so I want you to keep her alive. The last thing I need is for the Chief Scientist to get pissed and start taking the Ethics Committee’s reports seriously.

Thanks,

██. ████

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Location: Trattorian Administrative System of Occupied Valoros
Time: 4/18/14 5:22 pm
Description: ███-Report Macbook Heist (Space Mafia)


Dr. Kruszewski’s private shuttle prepared to enter FTL, escorted by a typical squad of swarmers. She had, after all, declared a civilian no-fly zone in the system in the short time she was in her shuttle.


Suddenly, one of the engines was destroyed by an anchor grappling hook.

Dr. Kruszewski: “What the? I thought we declared a system-wide no-fly zone! This isn’t possible.”


A Peach Pirate ship and an unidentified truck quickly zoomed into focus.

“Avast, boarding parties!”

TEAMS:

Trattorians: colette
Space Mafia: Scratch
Peach Pirates: The Shadowscythe
Secret Faction A: Brikguy
Secret Faction B: Silverdream

Peach Pirates

AVAST YEE SCURVY DOGS
OPEN FIRE ON THE DEFENDER FIGHTERS
PREPARE BOARDAN PARTIES
ARR


One of the cannons on the Yellow Belly turns and aims towards one of the escort fighters.


The shot remarkably hits, and takes off a size point from the fighter.


Several Peach Pirates also begin moving towards the boarding pod.

Space Mafia

The truck fires both of its cannons at the escort fighters, to no effect.


Pilots: "We're noting interference from the...oh my god! What the hell is in that truck, it's *fzzzt*"

The mysterious Space Mafia hero successfully hacks the targeting software on the fighters, resulting in a skill penalty.

Trattorians

All fighters line up and fire at the Yellow Belly


Despite the skill penalties on the two fighters behind the shuttle, they still manage to collectively launch 4 missiles and severely damage the Yellow Belly, taking off 4 size points. The crew feels a jolt and one of the front structures starts to fall off.


The shuttle again attempts to shake off the anchor, to no avail.

SECRET FACTION A ACTIVATED: VALORIANS

The Valorians have entered the battle in the midst of the chaos caused by the pirates and the mafia, intent on killing the oppressive Special Administrator who controls much of their former territory.

Valorians

Emperor Brikguy attempts to connect to the robot bodyguards in the Special Administrator's shuttle with his machine spirit. He attempts to reprogram them to kill her.


He critically fails however, connecting instead to his shuttle's onboard computer and ejecting his pilot (note: the pilot is still alive, although the shuttle is now uncontrollable and drifting on its current course).

Peach Pirates

The Peach Pirates start reeling in the SA's shuttle.


In utter disregard of the vacuum of space, Captain Jack Sparrow climbs out of the Yellow Belly with a jar of dirt.


He aims it at the Valorian shuttle and hits perfectly, altering its course somewhat.


The Yellow Belly then begins to turn, aiming its port side towards the shuttle...


...launching a small boarding pod.


The pod then hits the shuttle's armored bay door, making no further progress.

Space Mafia

"Dr. Kruszewski, it appears the droids' shielding has one offline."
Dr. Kruszewski: "Dammit! What the entropy is in that yellow box such that it continues to interfere with our software?"


Suddenly, the Space Mafia truck maneuvers its rear end towards the shuttle, ramming into a few fighters along the way.


The box opens, revealing the disguised Space Mafia commando team and a stolen Space Cops cannon in their full glory.


The melee commando charges and breaks open the bay door with his axe.


The rest of the team gathers around the door, aiming their guns and concentrating fire on the two now-unshielded droids.


The combined fire of several rifles, shotguns, and machine guns mow down the gold-plated robot bodyguard-butlers.

Trattorians

The two escort fighters attempt to fire on the Space Mafia truck.


I fucking hate my casino dice.


The failure streak continues, as the missiles explode on the wings of the fighters but fail to cause any damage.


Dr. Kruszewski retrieves the titanium briefcase behind her.

"Dr. Kruszewski, it is a federal offense to induce a containment breach outside the context of..."

Dr. Kruszewski: "I know that onboard AI, and I know what I'm doing. As the de-facto head of the Black Box Bureau, I am hereby authorizing the containment breach of BB-P-Hg-23842."


From the briefcase the Special Administrator produces an ancient metal disc not of the brikverse, its writing and engravings faded from the age of countless universal lifespans. Dr. Kruszewski heaves the artifact into the air, flipping it. It comes up "heads".


I AM CROWN PRINCE [INCOMPREHENSIBLE] OF UNIVERSE [INCOMPREHENSIBLE], THE IMMINENT SUCCESSOR OF HIS MAJESTY THE KING OF THE PORCINE.

I HAVE EXISTED FOR FAR LONGER THAN EVEN THE VERY CONCEPTION OF THE MINIFIG, AND INTIMATELY KNOW OF THE GREAT RACE OF HYOO-MENS.

THOU HAST SEEN ONLY OUR REDUCED FORMS, ADAPTED TO THIS PITIFUL UNIVERSE. NOW GAZE UPON OUR FULL MIGHT AND [INCOMPREHENSIBLE] YOURSELVES UNTO DUST.

SECRET FACTION B ACTIVATED

Valorians

The Valorian shuttle pilot leaps onto the glass, attempting to use the recoil to jump back onto the shuttle.


He successfully returns to the cockpit.


Emperor Brikguy attempts to speak to the pig.

Emperor Brikguy: "I am very old as well, we share common ground, I know I do not control you, but I ask this, you let me kill this stupid administrator. Also, I am friends with your dad, and we need to get together soon to play pool be use its been like 200 years."


RAAAAWWWWWRRRR-[INCOMPREHENSIBLE]

YOU DARE MOCK ME SO, PUNY MINIFIG? I AM OF A SUPERIOR FORM TO YOUR ENTIRE KIND. I AM OLDER EVEN THAN THE FIRST PARTICLES THAT MAKE UP THIS UNIVERSE. HIS MAJESTY MY FATHER WOULD NEVER ASSOCIATE WITH ONE AS LOW AS YOU. THOUGH I KNOW OF A HYOO-MEN WHO BEARS YOUR FORM, YOU YOURSELF ARE BUT A USELESS, PALE IMITATION. BEGONE NOW!

Abominations

The Prince Pig eyes the Space Mafia melee commando greedily.


The pig noms him, messily devouring his organs.


Thanks to his super-quick digestion, the Prince Pig quickly poops out an ABS egg.


It then hatches into a lesser pig.

Peach Pirates+Space Mafia

The Space Mafia bust in, handcuffing the Special Administrator immediately. They also stuff her laptop and the Black Box into a sack, and take her iPhone as well.


One of the mafiosos murders the pilot and takes control of the shuttle, gunning it forward and out of the way of the Falcon.


The Space Mafia hero takes the phone, and wreaks a variety of mayhem with it.

"Trip all alarms about pervasive BBB memetic threats. Send alerts about all BBBs marked "memetic", 3 marked "extreme biohazard", and two of the highly dangerous ones, also any for projects not supposed to be known by level 3 and below (Not the ones mentioning Neutrino in their descriptions). Then send the ransom demand, including the bit about having the ransom money transfered to the USA ambassador's account. Then, transfer 5/6ths of her bank account to a series of TOR-like money laundering accounts which will launder the money through Venetian Super-Pacs. Transfer the remaining 6th directly to the Praetorian ambassador to Trattoria."


The Space Pirates then board the wing of the shuttle to collect booty, programming their pod to ram the pig on a delayed timer.


Every other vehicle on the board backs up, preparing to ram the pig.

Space Mafia hero: "The pig is immune to bullets and explosions, but not to physical impact. Ram at full speed!"


The Space Truck, Yellow Belly, and boarding-pod all ram at once.


Resulting in a very dead extradimensional pig.

The mafia truck fired its cannon but missed.

(Due to my getting tired at this point, I decided to end the battle).


The Yellow Belly anchored itself onto the shuttle. The Space Mafioso's anonymous customer then dropped the no-fly zone that was in place around the system, allowing them to FTL to safety.
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Epilogue
Location: Rendezvous Point B4-324
One Hour Later


The Space Mafia, after landing at Rendezvous Point B4-324, decided to cut off the Special Administrator's hands and mock her until their customer picked her up.

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Location: Trattoria
Several Days Later


Dr. Kruszewski: "Your honor, Department Chair Dr. Ong! Surely you have good news for me."
Dr. Ong: "Ms. Miriam Kruszewski- the Trattorian Ethics Committee has, in a 19-1 consensus, voted to revoke your Ph.D's and your citizenship due to your abuse of authority as Special Administrator and head of the Black Box Bureau, your reckless inducement of a containment breach of a Black Box object, and the subsequent specimen loss to terrorists or pirates of dubious affiliation caused directly by your actions. Furthermore, a court has found you guilty of several felonies and has sentenced you to ten years in prison for your actions, followed by exile."

the valorians were quite useless in this battle(they didn't do anything usefull)