Battle in the Chat: Battle of Pestilgrova

[cleanupcrew]

Stratego Desroches: ...despite recent setbacks, the Trattorian Armed Forces reassures our great nation that the war with Space Austria is proceeding well. As the most teknologically-advanced nation in the BrikVerse, we will prevail against the enemy. I would now like to hand over the podium to the honorable Legislator Dr. Minase of the 50th District.


Legislator Minase: Thank you, Dr. Desroches.


Legislator Minase: My fellow Trattorians. For the war-weary among you, I would like to remind you all that Space Austria provided the casus belli for this entire affair with the murder of one of our own Legislators. They stymied justice with their primitive and brutish tactics, yes, but this ephemeral imbalance will not persist. Today, we break the malaise! Stratego Desroches, as commander of Trattorian forces in Space Austria, has directed the invasion of that uncivilized land with our forces and those of our allies. We shall demonstrate the superiority of the Trattorian way of life to these imbecilic, benighted peaches. Science bless Trattoria!

[cleanupcrew]

Planet Pestilgrova, Space Austria


The Trattorian drone bombing campaign pounds the fringes of Space Austria. Unfortunately for the Trattorians, they learn that the Space Austrians will not bend to mere airstrikes, and will require the politically unsavory option of boots on the ground.


The Space Austrian flag still flies proudly over the bombarded ruins of planet Pestilgrova, a recent Austrian acquisition conquered from the USSSR in a border skirmish.


Baron of Peachum: Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of Space Austria! Defend your home, my fellow Austrians! The Trattorians are murderous foreigners who will stamp out your religion and enslave you all for their thirst for coin.


IM Soldier: Why do we have to help these guys anyway, they deployed a weapon of mass destruction on one of our own planets.
Mage Arthursson: Shush, this is our chance to prove ourselves to IM command.


Trattorian Soldier: Maybe if I win this battle they'll allow me to leave the military.


Assyrian Soldier: Why the hell are we helping the Trattorians anyway?
Assyrian Major: Damn treaties and politics.


Overview.

Factions
Space Austria: Scratch

Objective: Defend Pestilgrova.

Imperial Magikstrate (allied with Space Austria): Kommander Ken

Objective: Help the Space Austrians.
Notes: Arthursson has 2d8 SN dice.

Trattoria: Colette

Objective: Conquer Pestilgrova.

Assyria (allied with Trattoria): Falk

Objective: Help the Trattorians.

Turn order: Scratch, Falk, Ken, Colette

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Space Austria


The Space Austrians rush towards the Assyrians, patriotism to the fatherland burning in their veins.


If only their skill matched their fervor.


The Space Austrian officer does manage to land a hit on an Assyrian counterpart.


The Baron of Peachum tries to fire a rocket out of range, but misses.


Enraged at his failure, he swings off his helmet in an attempt to awe the Assyrians with his flowing mane, only to reveal a ginger ponytail that provokes laughter instead (heroic feat fail).

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Assyria


The Assyrians charge, guns blazing.


Two of them target the Baron’s rocket launcher, causing it to explode, but a Space Austrian mook bravely sacrifices her life and pushes him away.


The remaining Assyrians mulch the other two Space Austrian troops.


The Assyrian Major issues a challenge to the IM hero for an epic swordfight, but is weak as fuck and the latter doesn’t even hear her (feat fail).

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Imperial Magikstrate


The IM troops move around, three of them going into the ruined building and the other four taking cover.


Mage Arthursson works his magik, enchanting the throws of the soldiers chucking dynamite at the Assyrians.


...


The blaze wipes out all the Assyrian soldiers, incinerating them and ripping them apart, while the hero is knocked out.


Mage Arthursson then leaps into the air with his magik sword, channeling a beam of energy straight down...


...into the Assyrian Major.

Assyrians eliminated


The other IM troops combine fire, barely in range, and destroy 3 Trattorian drones.

[cleanupcrew]

Trattorians


The Trattorians, wary of another thrown dynamite attack, advance and split up. Two of them fire on Arthursson and miss.


The others fire on their IM counterparts, offing three troops.

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Space Austria


The Baron and the officer chuck dynamite at the Trattorians.


One lands far enough into the Tratts, but it fails to kill anyone.


Two drones and the soldier get knocked down, however.


The Baron whistles for his steed to come to him.


The loyal beast gallops in, literally from left field, trampling the Trattorian soldier in the process.

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Imperial Magikstrate


The officer charges, decapitating a drone with his sword.


Meanwhile Mage Arthursson tears apart another with his.


The IM troops try to chuck more dynamite, but can’t throw far enough.


Mage Arthursson attempts an epik magik feat by slamming his sword into the ground, but instead pokes his eye with the handle and writhes in pain.

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Trattoria


With victory clearly no longer in sight, the remaining Trattorian drones combine fire on Mage Arthursson to at least obtain a moral victory of sorts but fail god damn it.

[cleanupcrew]

Space Austria


The Baron's horse tramples another drone in a frenzy.


The Baron and the officer then grab more dynamite and, with a running start, launch them at the remaining Trattorian drones.


One drone is eliminated by a blast, and although Mage Arthursson is redshirted to safety, the IM officer gives up his life in the process. Another typical example of Space Austrian reckless disregard for their IM allies' lives.


The Baron then tosses his sword.


And it lands straight into the circuity of the last Trattorian drone.

Trattorians eliminated.

Space Austria/Imperial Magikstrate victory.


Baron of Peachum: Thank you, Mage Arthursson. We successfully repulsed the evil Trattorian invasion from our lands, and we are grateful for your assistance.
Mage Arthursson: More like we bailed out your asses halfway through the battle. But sure.

[cleanupcrew]

Stratego Dr. Desroches: Please forgive me, Chief Stratego.
Chief Stratego Dr. Xia: I will confess, this is not exactly the news I wished to bear to my political colleagues. Your performance during the Space Austrian war will be noted in your annual review, Dr. Desroches.


Chief Stratego Dr. Xia: I wish I could report a more pleasant outcome, but it seems our invasion of planet Pestilgrova proved a miserable failure.
Legislator Dr. Minase: This is precisely not what I had desired to hear. I had staked quite a bit on the Space Austrian War and the Ayanami Coup, and now both are souring on me. Electorates can forget, but I hope the Legislative leadership does not commit to anything rash. As for you, Dr. Xia, it seems the additional funding for the Armed Forces that I lobbied for proved unavailing, perhaps I will need to consider that in our next budget.


Legislator Dr. Minase: My sincerest apologies for causing trouble and bringing shame onto our great nation.
Speaker Dr. Fonténe: Dr. Minase, for once we decided to allow you the latitude to pursue the unhinged aggressive foreign policy you always supported, and clearly it has borne fruit of misplaced trust. I and the other committee chairmen are also seriously considering reconsidering your own chairmanship of the Armed Forces Committee.


Speaker Dr. Fonténe: This entire situation is ignominious for every government official in Trattoria. Any thoughts on the matter, Dr. President?
President Dr. Kuroki: I think it is time to draw this silly little trifle to a close.
Speaker Dr. Fonténe: You could not possibly mean that, Space Austria committed-
President Dr. Kuroki: But I am. I have directed the Chief Ambassador to seek a diplomatic solution to this crisis.

[RedRover]

Good job!

[Kommander Ken]

This battle was very entertaining. Thanks for hosting!

I totally won't boast about the amount of explosions though.