Battle in the Chat: Battle of Fairhope

[Colette]

Planet Fairhope, Alabama, United Systems Alliance


In the desolately remote plains of nowhere, Alabama, so poor as to be unable to afford basic baseplate infrastructure, the last remaining copy of Billary Clinton's emails sit in a hard drive where her campaign thought nobody could find it. It also has the legendary Trump golden shower video on it because the chat insisted on pr0n somehow being in the battle.


USA Officer: In the name of the President of the United Systems Alliance, we must secure the emails to use as evidence to #lockHerUp! Also destroy the video so no one knows it existed.


Trattorian Soldier: All lewd and lascivious material is an affront to the Meritocratic Republic of Trattoria, we must destroy the hard drive.


Sigma Shard: Wheee fight! Also steal the hard drive and not release it just to blueball the galactic intelligence community.


Commander Borowitz: We must help the Immortals obtain the hard drive.


Overwatch.


Overwatch with the hard drive circled.

Factions

United Systems Alliance: StalinsFavoriteKhat

Objective: Retrieve the hard drive.

Meritocratic Republic of Trattoria: Colette (supposedly allied with USA)

Objective: Destroy the hard drive.

Immortal Empire: Scratch

Objective: Retrieve the hard drive.

Time-Traveling Super Jews: Hatknight (allied with Immortals)

Objective: Help the Immortals retrieve the hard drive (or retrieve themselves for eventual handoff to Immortals)

StalinsFavoriteKhat (USA) -> Scratch (Immortals) -> Hatknight (TTSJs) -> Colette (Trattoria)

[Colette]

USA


The USA forces move up, sprinting to get closer to the nearest enemies. The red beret hero manages an impressive 16" sprint. They still remain out of range of the nearest adversaries, the TTSJs, however.

[Colette]

Immortals


The Phalanxes sprint forward.


Not to be outdone by General Banfull in the last battle, the Sigma Shard picks up the Immortal tank and flings it at the USA, crit-succeeding his feat.


It lands near the USA hero, who bites the dust from the firepower of a tank. (also kudos to Scratch for getting a kill in on the first turn of a game as spread out as this)


The Sigma Shard then sprints up.

[Colette]

TTSJs


The TTSJs sprint up just out of range of the USA and set up response fire. Also the hero tries a feat to make cover for the troops, but fails.

[Colette]

Trattoria


The Trattorians sprint up, while the tank blows a size point off its Immortal counterpart.

[Colette]

USA


The USA forces combine fire on the Immortal tank, knocking off another hit point.


Unfortunately, both USA tank operators crit fail while firing the main cannon, causing an explosion in the gun breech/ammo rack. The resulting conflagration kills one of the gunners on the turret and damages the tank by a size point.

[Colette]

Overwatch so far.

[Colette]

Immortals


The Immortal tank fires on the USA tank and its missiles, to no avail.


The Immortals sprint up.


The Terrorkhan-led squad sprints an amazing 21 inches thanks to their discipline and hard training, and seize the hard drive.


The Sigma Shard gets into a running start, preparing to throw his OTC halberd like a javelin.


Straight through the Trattorian drone tank, knocking off a size point.

[Colette]

TTSJs


The TTSJ infantry brave an out-of-range shot, and still manage to down 2 USA soldiers.


Meanwhile, buffed by Commander Borowitz's inspirational quotes from the Talmud, the TTSJ tank manages to knock off 2 size points from the USA tank (3 HP remaining, now at half size).

[Colette]

Trattoria


All the Trattorians move up and fire on the Immortal tank, knocking off 3 more hit points (2 out of 7 remaining).

[Colette]

Overwatch at end of turn 2.

[Colette]

USA (Robot Monkey subbing from here on)


The USA troops move up towards the hard drive, saving response fire for any infantry that come within range. The tank tries to get between the Trattorian and Immortal tanks, firing on the latter and causing a point of size damage. At this point the Immortal tank is on its last legs.

[Colette]

Immortals


To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.

The beleaguered Immortal tank fires at the USA tank's missile rack again, hoping to combust it.


Surprisingly, it works, resulting in a thundering explosion that shakes the USA tank and knocks off more size points (1 out of 6 remaining).


The other Immortal units jockey into position. One Phalanx breaks off the Terrorkhan-led squad with the hard drive and runs back to join up with Warhead.


The Sigma Shard attempts to recall his OTC halberd.


However about halfway there he suffers a hernia from using the Force as the Pedi magik wreaks havoc on his undead body.


The Phalanx squad demolishes 5 Trattorian drones.

[Colette]

TTSJs


The TTSJ infantry fire on their USA counterparts, but the latter in turn saved their response fire, promising a bloody confrontation...


Eleven minifigs go down in the ensuing firefight, including all the TTSJ minifigs and five of the USA troops.


The BrikVerse is a bloody place.


A full blast from the TTSJ tank finally reduces the USA tank to rubble, resulting in the first tank kill of the game.

[Colette]

Trattoria


The Trattorian drone tank finally brings down the Immortal tank with its main gun, while the troops fail to break through the Immortal phalanx wall.