Required listening: https://youtu.be/lNiCr6FBI30
Our story finds us in the heartless heartland of Decyber City. Once the Sectors' throbbing headache of industry, the cataclysmic cracking-up of the planet Skoupidia rained rock down on the crowded city-world. A decade later, nobody knows what happened; and frankly, nobody cares. This cratered old rock has no eyes, no ears, no long arms of the law fumbling around - just what The Soapranos need in a tight spot...
"Jesus, look at this! Space Feds get the Pork Store and what's that make me? Tony Soaprano, the boss ah moss! And his royal guard, the Four fuckin' Stooges an'na stutterin' security camera!"
POLY DETECTED! POLY DETECTED!
"Stupitta fuckin' robot."
"Furio, shut that thing off. I detect Paulie when he walks in the room. Pee-U!"
"You shut'cha mouth, Christoffuh, you Mighty Mouse lookin', little nepotistic-"
"Ohh! Just because we're clones now dudn't mean we're not all family. We're a law-and-order type operation. At least Sil can keep his lid on."
"Thanks, Ton'. It's hard as hell out here. Dirty ground, dirty... weeds. Ugly mold. Gets on my shoes. I sit and it gets on my ass. No fun."
Our anti-heroic associates know not of the danger looming...
... the Sapphic Surveyors! A wandering wave of women-loving women, this polyamorous patrol charts the Sectors - for the people! And the attention. Though they get plenty of that from each other.
"... and I'm Cloey! and in this episode, we're doing something a little different. The whole PLANET was basically one big mall! This part was... A park? Maybe a junkyard. Is that an ATV?"
"Jasmine, look! It's a big robot!"
"Wait. Is that..."
"..."
"SHIT! Give 'em ammazz'!"
TURN 1
Cloey, the Sapphics' Hero, rolls a 1 on her very first move, attempting to shoot Christopher. The gun misfires and her camera clatters to the ground.
... Better luck next time.
Incredibly, their luck was not better next time. A second Sapphic attempts to whack Christopher, rolls a 1, and is Disrupted.
"Y-Yikes... Lyla! We'll flank around the wall and jump them!"
Christopher leaps into action, slinks behind a tire and leans out to pop one off at Cloey. He misses.
"Get duh fuck outta my way!"
"What, so you can take my spot?"
"No! So I can whack this bitch fah you! Thank me later!"
Paulie then proceeds to miss, too.
"Madonn'!"
Paulie exclaims as Furio zips past with seven inches of Hero movement.
Furio slices Cloey's head clean off, ending her streak of cruel luck; it rolls into a crate.
Tony, seeing the sneaking Sapphics behind the nearby wall, cowers behind a trash can wiggling a pistol around.
"Silvio! Siiil!"
The Soapranos' consiglieri brandishes his weapon.
"It just takes a second! Gimme a break, Ton'! It's old-school. Reliable. Clicks just right."
Silvio rolls a 1 and the recoil from his musket shoves him into the pavement, Disrupted. He is overcome by an asthma attack.
TURN 2
Silvio immediately has his balls flattened to death.
Tony doesn't even see her coming...
... when his life cuts to black.
Jasmine maximizes her cover, flanking around the overgrown robot in a rather awkward prone position.
Paulie moves to take a potshot at Jasmine when he recoils in horror.
"Fuckin' POISON IVY all ovah me!"
He shoots and misses.
Christopher climbs over, trying to beat Paulie to the kill. Miss.
Furio's killing spree rages on!
TURN 3
"Fuckin' SCALPED the kid... CHRIST! He was like a brothah to me!"
Jasmine maneuvers away from Paulie as he looks back to his arm in horror.
"I can feel it itchin' me already!"
Paulie gives chase, shooting and missing.
Furio succeeds in a Heroic Feat, "door-busting" through the ruined wall as his Movement.
Another one sleeps with the fishes.
TURN 4
A swing and a miss! She rolls a 1 and lodges her blade into a spiderweb.
Jasmine prepares chopped walnuts.
Adding injury to insult to injury...
"Fuckin' ME, all ovah the poison ivy! Madonn', my clone's gonna be breakin' out from birth!"
Furio impales yet another enemy of the Soapranos.
Jasmine ducks into cover, preparing for the worst as she sees Furio approaching.
TURN 5
Furio spends his turn walking out in front of Jasmine.
Jasmine uses an unspent action to fire. Miss! Another action as it's now her turn. A hit! Exactly equal to his Armor.
Furio's flabbergasted, Disrupted.
TURN 6(?)
History does not remember how or why this happened. Perhaps a Heroic Feat, or perhaps several failed turns in which neither Furio nor Jasmine claimed victory. The narrator leaves this gap open to interpretation, as he is a Real Artist.
Furio and Jasmine now stand head to head. Jasmine draws her gun to fire.
BANG!!!
...
"Who a fuck hire you? Who a fuck is your deployer?"
J-j... J.K. Rowling! I bloody confess! I was sent to infiltrate th-
Furio, having single-handedly wiped out every enemy of the Soapranos, meditates on what's just happened. He stares blankly at Harry Potter. No remorse. His thoughts turn inward. He wonders if his next clone will have better hair.
"Stupitta fuckin' game."
very good stuff