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Writing: 0. You’re insane and I am no fun and of course sabotaging you. Stupidly, TarStupidFace.
Writing: MAXIMUM BESTESTNESSS YEEEEEAAAAH!!!!! Sincerely, anyone else.
Writing: MAXIMUM BESTESTNESSS YEEEEEAAAAH!!!!! Sincerely, anyone else.
Report from the box fort of General Admiral Eh Leck the Smrt, Emissary of Roméh on the recent battle against the forces of one “Troll King Hurtgolka”. Report not able to delivered from my office as the screaming has not yet stopped, for your own sake, do not go to my office.
So first Her Polka was all like “OH ME BE STUOOPID TROL KING WHO WILL EAT YOU”
And then Olive Oil was all like “AND I BE OLIVE OIL WHO TRY TALKY TALK!”
So I was all like “AND I BE EAT POPCORN WATCHING THIS!”
But then Hurgoalie replied with “ME BE DUMB DUMB TROLL AND STOOPID AND ME BE JUST EAT YOU ALL!”
So then Olive Oil riposted with “THAT BE DUMB IDEA CUZ NOW MY RELIGIONS EXTREMES SAY YOU BE NOT SAVEDABLE NOW! I TOTALLY KNOW MY OWN HOLIES STUFFS!!!”
Which just led to HurtGolka being “RAUGH ME BE DUMB AND ATTACK YOU LATER!”
So bravely Olive Oil went “AAAAHH WE PEE OURSELVES AND GO PREPARIZE!! YOU BE STARTED A FIGHT U NO KAN WIN! BUT WE BE KAN!”
Olivier: “I am in fact aware of how that went Eh Leck, I was in fact there.”
Eh Leck: “Yeah, but like the people reading this report wasn’t, so I doing recaps background for them. Actually, me be a bit ahead of me again but only metaphysically not litorally.”
Bert: “Where did you get the popcorn from anyways?”
Ernie: “You know better than to ask that.”
Eh Leck: “ANYWAYS AS I WAS BE SUMMARIES NOW! In Arbitrary Time 28, we learned roughly where the troll king we had been hearding about in multiple Arbitrary Time sessions before that that are not important to this report that I am writing but also speaking in present tense sort of in location roughly is based off some captured Kobold spies that didn’t want to be seen with us but we was with them anyways and yelled ‘BOO!’ followed by ‘A REST!!’ and captureds themz. I think they died of panik after that? I meen they be NPCs and offscreen so probably plotting our doom like Tarstupidface that I will have my vengeance on him as this Eh Leck or the next… Anyways in Arbitrary Time 32 we finally found that guy’s big base thing and like, we walked in from knocking for that ‘bartay’ thing? And that was where the conversation above happendededead. Anyways, then we spent all of Arbitrary Time 33 preparizing. Like looking at maps and routes and raising armies and all that stuff! Set up our march routes to avoid angering Fey we knew about, all this preparizing stuff. We did so much preparizing and planning! Bert made swords! Ernie made ‘medecine’, Olive Oil drilled our troops OH MYYYYY, and I, Admiral Eh Leck The Smrt, did the make strategizing”
“The fact you are legitimately the most qualified to be a general is terrifying, and even worse, I am starting to understand the things you say, and I don’t even know which of us is talking right now.”
Eh Leck: “AAHHH WE CHANGED FROM PATHFINDER PAWNS AND MINIS TO PLASTIC BUILDING BRIKS VERSIONS!!! THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!!! THE PREPARATION IS OVER AND NOW IT’S SUMMON THE LEGIONS WAR TIME!!!!!”
Eh Leck: “BUG SIGN!!! AAAHHH!!! WE GOT BUG SIGN!!! Wait no, wrong game, the ‘Human’ instead protected the briks from this by removing it. That ‘Human’ is pretty cool”
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Why thank you Eh Leck
There was a nice mineral patch that will make a great starting base, but I accidetanlly leafed my Manly Santa Day Skin on for my Command Center from the Manly Santa Day episode Olive Oil insisted never happened but it totally did he just be Olivier De Nile. I’m sure the Command Center will be super importance.”
“CRRRRRYYYYYYYY!!! MY KITTY!!!! THIS BE A SIDEQUEST!!”
“My poor kitty is stuck in a tree, and ‘Human’ forgot to grab their firefighter minifigs so there be no way to rescue!”
“Even worse! STUPID BAD STUPID MEAN STUIPID STUIPID EVIL WICKED VILE STUPID STUPIDF EVIL AWFUL DOGS ARE THERE!!”
“WE BE RESCUE KITTY FROM STUPID BAD STUPID EVIL MEAN STUPID DOGS!!!”
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Pathfinder Goblins and dogs uuhh… they don’t get along.
“RAUGH! I BE THE TWO HEADED TROLL THAT WAS THERE IN THE MEATING BUT NOT SHOWN ON SCREEN IN THIS REPORT BECAUSE DRAMATIC LITERALLY DEVICE AND LAZINESS OF SETTING THAT UP!!”
“ARISE MY WARRIORS BY WHICH I MEAN APPEAR ON BATTLEFIELD DRAMATICALLY!!”
“MORE OF MY TROOPS! YOU BE NO STANDING CHANCE AND YOUR PEOPLE WILL BE ME DINNER!”
“I EVEN BE CHEETING AND HAVE A OTHER HERO IN ME ARMEE!!”
“It gets worse for you! We’re still mad at you for foiling all of our arson against your kingdom and us, the Black Tears bandits will cause you trouble also there are otters here.”
Eh Leck: “WE BE NOT ASCARED! WE BE HAVES OUR ARMIES 2!!!”
Legion II, commanded by General Emissary Eh Leck the Smrt has appeared. Reality has a tenuous grasp at best on Eh Leck due to all his thinky thoughts being the best thinky thoughts and you would want to steels thems but you be can’ts because Helm of Thinky Thoughts Protection PLUS FOUR!! He’s also the coolest ever and super smart and super great and the bestest ever. Wait, am I talking as the human or as Eh Leck here? I genuinely have no idea anymore, all I know is this was a bad idea and spell check absolutely despises me.
Legion III, commandeered by Viceroy Bertrand. He woke up in a cart one day, and saw a dragon try to eat him that instead stopped his head being chopped off or something. I wear his previous boss’ hat which I guess makes me his new boss? Yeah he was some bandit that is now not a bandit.
Legion V, commanded by Warden Harold Jesus Berbuck Ernest Fragbert Waddnocack. I heard he might wear a house sometimes. This Legion be the Sootscale Kobolds who just joined us last week.
Legion I, commandered by Ruler Olivier de Vienne aka Olive Oil aka “Doesn’t know how to spell Roméh despite being the leader because even though mechanically Eh Leck is actually the better choice it just feels a little to absurd to use him as the figurehead. IT’S ON THE OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS HOW TO SPELL ROMÉH!”. Anyways, he got a level of success lower on his legion arriving so he be start in the back and this is definitely not going to have an impact on what he winds up doing. It’s all part of our plan that he be reinforce wherever the line starts to buckle, snap, crackle, pop, or even explode.
So now we haves the starting positions that definitely not be get any last second changes when the peoples running the battlez shoes ups. SO WE BE READY FOR PEOPLEZ TO BATTLES IN A COUPLE DAYS AFTER THIS PHOTOGRAPHY WAS TAKENED!
BATTLE DAY THE FIRST
AHAHAAH YOU BE FELLED FOR GOBLIN TRICK MORE PREPARIZING!!!! THESE BE DEFINITELY NOTHING TO DO WITHS SECRET FACTIONS!!
“AAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU BE THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE THE GROUP PROJECT SABOTAGE OF TARSTUPIDFACE?? I BE TARSTUPIDFACE, THE ONE WITH SUCH BAD CRABS IT BE REPLACE MY LOWER BODY AND DEFINITELY NOT A LIMITATION OF LACK OF PURPLE PANTS HANDY WHEN ADDING TARSTUPIDFACE!! EVERYONE BE KNOW THAT ME EXISTING MAKES THE WHOLE WORLD AN OBJECTLY WORSER PLACE AND ALL WILL BE THE HAPPIESBRATES WHEN I BE DEAD!!! I WANT TO EAT ALL THE POOP!!! ”
Turn 1
Black Tears
“OH, ALSO, I TARSTUPIDFACE THE STUPIDEST OF FACES BE MOVED THE BLACK TEARS OVER HERE BECAUSE I TARSTUPIDFACE BE HATE OTTERS BECAUSE OTTERS BE STUPID INSTEAD OF CUTE!! ONWARDS TO STEAL EH LECK’S THINKY THOUGHTS AND BOOKS!! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HIS WARHOG! OH AND BECAUSE WE BE MEANIZ WE ALSO BE STEEL CHILD SAD BLAOON!!!”
Legion III
So anyweighs Legion III be like “Shut up Tarstupidface” and killed like almost of his troops by rules that TOTALLY EXIST IN THE PRINTED RULEBOOK AND ARE DEFINITELY NOT A RESULT OF DUBIOUS KNOWLEDGE IRL https://2e.aonprd.com/Feats.aspx?ID=5142&Redirected=1 THAT WILL BE CORRECTIFIED IN LATER STUFFS!
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It’s also worth pointing out that the very first thing my girlfriend ever did in Brikwars was move her troops forward then have my friend promptly kill 10 of her 13 troops in one attack that was erroneously making use of a rule from the 2010 edition… Sorry dear!
“ALL THAT BE DO IS MAKE MY STUPIDFACE STUPIDER! LOOK HOW STUPID MY STUPIDFACE BE! YOU PUNY OFFSCREEN ERROWS BE NO ABLE HURT ME!!”
BUT THE RED SHIRT ROLES BE DISNOTAGREED! TARSTUPIDFACE BE STUPID AND NOT ABLE TO ROLLED ENOUGH TO FACE ARROWS LIKE A HALF GNOME LOSER HALF CRAB LOSER BUT ONE HUNDERD PER DOLLAR LOSER!!!
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I am so sorry dear. Please play plastic building toy warfare again with me some time?
*thplutt* Oh wait, that be Bert stabbing Tarstupidface and then Tarstupidface be eaten by Tarstupidface’s crab. If I had be checked my notes this would be have the easies 2 nose. The rest of Legion III be boring movements, but Tarstupidface be dead which what really E EQUALS EM CEE SQUAREDs
Bert: “I don't know about you blood loss is very natural”
Tarstupidface: “You gave me crabs and then I exploded”
TROLLS THAT ARE NOT IN THE DUNGEON
It be turn 1… They be move. I BE PROMISE IT GET MORE FUN AND BACK TO STABBIES LATER!
Legion V
MORE MOVEMENTINGS!! JUST LIKE WE PREPARIZINGED!!!
But Ernie be heroically nature communions crackers with the trollhounds that they be going the wrong directed!! We breaking the Troll preparizinged!!!
Legion I
LEGION I HAS ADVANCED!!!
Legion II
EH LECK OF WONDER ROLL: 120 - Mr Potehtoe Head
The bestest Legion with the bestest most preparedest commander moves out! THEY SING!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=806JI6lGRGU
They be take long potshot at EVIL STUPID GROSS IWCKED EVIL DOGS, but fall short
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It was NINETEEN INCHES OUT OF RANGE DUDE
Also Eh Leck the Smrt heroically absorbs a plant to learn how to photosynthesize cuz he be MR. POTEHTOE HEAD who be attached stuff. This be something that I be sure will be of relevance later.
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No, this does absolutely nothing. It was a complete waste of a successful feat but worth it.
SHENANIGANS
BARK BARK BARK
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Translation: KITTY!! A KITTY EXISTS!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”
“CRRYYYYYY WHO CAN SAVE MY KITTY FROM THE STUPID EVIL MEAN STUPID DOGS!!!”
“I CAUGHT A SEAL! I CAN NOW BEGIN THE SIDEQUEST ABOUT SEALS AND OTTERS NEGOTIATING FISH QUOTAS THAT I HAD PREPARED!!”
