"Where are you dragging me," groans Psychulon. The massive robot's boots churn the fresh soil of the countryside as he is compelled forward. "Please relinquish control of my faculties. I am an experimental research machine, not a babysitter."
"That's not very nice! Tehee!" says Darla, who is six months old and the most dangerous psychic mastermind on the planet. Although Psychulon was sent to capture her, her powers quickly overwhelmed its synaptic reflectors, and now from the safety of its capture cage she manipulates its circuits. "We're going to get a nice treat today! Tehee!"
By 'nice treat', Darla means the Red Transparent Core which draws increasingly closer. It's being towed on a perfectly safe wooden sled behind a heavily armored police transport with a microwave cannon - but as the police chief is out sick for the week, it's his hardened mother, Zelma, who is driving it (just as she drove the prison transport all those years). She has no idea yet that a psychic menace is on the loose, piloting a gigantic murder machine.
All this stir in these usually quiet fields has these farmers worried - there's a treasure chest of retirement funds (in the form of shiny gems) they left on the lake, which they need to get back before anyone notices. But to add to the drama, Farmer Fish-hand's son is the bastard brother of Darla... or BB for short. BB has unusual psychic abilities of his own, and he's taught the sheep to use their minds to explode things (granting them psychic D8 Supernatural Dice).
Without farmers, there would be no farmer's markets. And without farmer's markets, there would be no place to buy authentic woolen flannels that are just so much higher quality than store-bought and really connect you with the earth. The Eldritch Hipsters, whose desire for being the first to know has led them to adopt far-off eldritch powers way before they become cool, are here to ensure the farmers' retirement funds are secured.
These Super Slime Bros, led by Slim 'Slimy' Nelson, have been tailing Psychulon for weeks. They don't really care whether or not he's being mind-controlled by a psychic baby - they just hate that he stepped on a Slimeling and hasn't apologized.
But something wicked this way comes! Witches, the natural enemy of the humble farmer. Serantha, the Witch in Magenta, has gathered her shadowy thralls and acolytes - along with creating a large Cauldron Knight and a Cauldron Crab - to steal the Red Transparent Core and make sure the farmers and their hipster friends get hexed into next Rekonstruction.
All factions at the start of the game! We established that points could be won in the following ways:
- Kill Darla the Psychic Baby Three Times (score 5 points for each kill)
- Score 5 points for every round you begin controlling the Red Transparent Core
- Score 1 point for each Treasure Gem you control at the end of the game
- Score 1 point for eating the Banana
Things got out of hand extremely quickly. Darla's psychic actions created an invisible force field in front of the police transport, flinging Zelma into the windshield. The Eldritch Hipsters piloted their floating VW Bus across the river and started down into the rowboat to collect treasure, but were thwarted by the Cauldron Crab locking claw with the back of their boat. Darla got harpooned out of Psychulon's baby cage by her own brother BB.
Darla was killed another two times by a combination of Eldritch Hipster VW Bus missiles and being stabbed with a 4-inch greatsword by the Cauldron Knight.
Serantha the Witch got psychically slamdunked into the water, causing her to get water in her ears and lose her Supernatural D12's (a witch's greatest weakness, although Wizard of Oz slightly misremembered the specifics).
The police transport was sailing smooth on its mission to get across the map, but Zelma attempting to use the Microwave Cannon to obliterate some farmer's barricades critically failed, causing it to go to Popcorn Setting on the back half of her transport - thankfully the volatile Red Transparent Core was barely preserved.
Witnessing Darla die, Psychulon thought he would be free to pursue more robotly goals - but between getting his foot slimed by the Super Slime Bros, and losing hope for life, he found himself missing that awful little baby. His critically failing attacks caused his depressed brain to tumble out of his brain dome, and he collapsed directly on the Magenta Coven, flattening the Cauldron Crab and two of Serantha's thralls.
The Super Slime Bros, mission to make Psychulon pay accomplished, left the field.
A psychic sheep set itself to self-destruct just as Zelma was hauling the Red Transparent Core around the tractor by hand, causing a massive 6-inch explosion that incinerated Zelma and almost all that remained of the Coven.
This also flipped the tractor, which killed the little lamb and puppy on the tractor as well as the last Animinion from the Coven - who had just finished eating a tasty banana it found in the palm tree.
The last Cauldron Knight was no match for Walkie, the Eldritch Hipster Hero, and an attempted stab across the lake was deflected back into the Cauldron Knight's head.
"You've been stabbing yourself in the head since before it was cool!"
Which left only the Eldritch Hipsters surviving, and all the points in their day-old-oatmilk scented hands.
Final Scores:
SirSporktimus (Magenta Coven): Killed Darla once for 5 points, Ate Banana for 1 point
EldritchHipster (Farmers & Eldritch Hipsters): Killed Darla twice for 10 points, had treasure chest of gems for 10 more points.
A clear win for the Eldritch Hipsters!
