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Comrade JAM just got back from his meeting with the X'zzian captain and just heard the news of what happened in his absence. Zarko, the murderous necromancer took the opportunity to attack while Comrade JAM was distracted.

Recommended reading: viewtopic.php?f=16&t=13522


Comrade JAM: What the hell happened?! Are my wife and son really dead?!


Jonah Hex: Ex-wife. Ya really gotta let 'er go n' move on. Ain't healthy th' way ya pine after 'er.


Comrade JAM: ...are you serious right now? She's dead. She and my son are dead.

Billy Gibbons: Comrade, people are dyin' on us all the time man, why do you care now?

Comrade JAM: I don't know... maybe it's character development? Or maybe some shitty writing?

Billy: ...yeah, probably that last one, but Comrade, either way, there's no time for vengeance. We got bigger fish to fry.


Comrade JAM: Like wh----

*CLUNK*

*The door busts open.*



Warhead: HOLY SHIT, THAT SUCKED ASS.


Comrade JAM: What the hell happened? I heard you were dead.

Warhead: DO YOU KNOW WHAT IMMORTAL MEANS?


Comrade JAM: Well yeah, but I thought it was just an expression.

Warhead: NO, IT SURE ISN'T.


Comrade JAM: Gotcha, now, can you explain to me just what happened out there?

WARHEAD: I WOULD, AND I COULD, BUT... I NEED SOME BOOZE!!


Warhead *GLUG* *GLUG* *GLUG*


As the watchful eye of the gate guards, do their thankless duties, Warhead drinks excessively, burps triumphantly and tells crazy stories of times long ago.


The watchmen stirs in the tower as Warhead fills the castle with bellowing laughter and obnoxious tom foolery.


A raptor rider opens fire on an unknown target, for an unknown purpose.


This mech operator fell asleep because his daughter was sick last night with the flu...

...and the plot has barely moved forward at all.

Warhead: WELL, YOU'RE OUTTA BOOZE SO I'M OUTTA HERE.

Comrade JAM: Yeah, I wonder how that happened? * rolls eyes *

Warhead: HAVE A GOOD DAY, THANK YOU FOR THE HOSPITALITY!!

Comrade JAM: No problemo, Warhead.


Warhead waves and departs.


Comrade JAM: Okay, so just what the hell is happening?


Jonah Hex: Well, it's like this, what's th' one thing ya hate more th'n Zarko or really anythin'?

Comrade JAM: ...Those damn dirty peaches.


Jonah Hex: Right, well they's threatenin' our very livelihood.

Comrade JAM: Peaches? How?

Jonah Hex: Some kinda terrorist organization. Sayin' they better th'n us yellas.

Comrade JAM: Those bastards, what are they up to?


Jonah Hex: They're peaches, does it really matter? Any peach with an idea in it's head like its better th'n us, well--

Comrade JAM: No, you're right, peaches are the scourge of the brikverse. This won't be tolerated.


Billy Gibbons: * plays La Grange *

Comrade JAM: Right on, Billy!


Frank (Tower Guard 1): Hey, Comrade, there's a couple small armies approaching.


Comrade JAM: Who is it? I'm not expecting anyone. Do they look friendly?


Comrade JAM: Any hot ladies I could bone?

Fred (Tower Guard 2): ...


Comrade JAM: Forget it, better prepare for the worst, order the mechs out front... guards, to me!!!


Comrade JAM: Take no prisoners... except for the hot babes, you take them prisoners.

Comrade JAM: Take no prisoners... except for the rare iguras, you take them prisoners.

Fix'd

Comrade JAM: You stupid bastards, you think what you're doing is wise?


Red Hooded Woman: We're not invading. My name is not important, all you need to know is that we mean no harm. This is my army the Fire Dragons.



Man in blue with hammer: I'm Jim. Jim Bluecrow. This is Robo-hawk. and this is my small force. We call ourselves Blue Hawks.


Comrade JAM: Pleased to meet you, now, what the fuck are you doing on my front lawn? By the way, I see you skulking in the back, Pyron.


Red Hooded Woman: A fair question. We come to pay homage.


Comrade JAM: By delivering me a traitor?

Red Hooded Woman: Pyron was threatened into joining Zarko, and even still he is sorry for his part in the brutal deaths of your wife and child.


Comrade JAM: Ex-wife. In any event, I'm being told by my council that I have bigger fish to fry than the likes of you. I accept your homage. You may go about in peace.


Red Hooded Woman: Thank you.
Jim: Thanks.


Deep in behind the castle walls Comrade JAM wondered just how he could extort more valuables from the locals to fund his growing army. The Peach threat was great. His army will need to double! To triple!

Abdul Rahma-lhama: The Yellow filth has vexed us at every turn but soon that shall no longer be the case. There are big plans in motion my friends, big plans...


Abdul: Infidels, all around us infidels... discriminating against us because we were made differently from them... we had no choice! But it certainly didn't matter to them... but by the power BoB grants us, that shall change! BoB Akbar! BoB--


OASIS Member 1: Caliph, sorry to interupt but, there are intruders appearing on radar.

Abdul: Intruders? How do they know to attack this outpost? We are off grid, there are none who have heard of us.


Akram Al-sahamir: It does not matter now... there are only the three of us here, call for additional troops!


Comrade JAM: Holy fuck, is your radar old and shitty or what? I heard that entire conversation. I thought you guys were supposed to be a threat!! There's really just the three of you here?


Abdul: Wait just a few moments, infidel, there shall be more.

Comrade JAM: Uhhmm... no thanks, I'll just kill you guys. I'm sure I'll set OASIS back a few pegs with the loss of their Caliph.

Abdul: You'll only postpone the inevitable.

Comrade JAM: Baby steps, my man, baby steps.... get to it boys!

RATATATATAT-TATATATAT!!!




TATATATATAT!!

* click * click * *click * click * click * click * click*


Akram: !!


Akram: It is time for me to meet the virgins...





Abdul: Eat dynamite, infidel!

Comrade JAM: No thanks!

BLAM!!



Abdul: AAAAAAARR--



BBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZRRRR-RRCCCTTHHH-ZZZZZ!!

Abdul: RRRRRRRRGgghh...


Comrade JAM: Well, that was good boys, no casualties, and a good amount of carnage... but we gotta make like M.J. and beat it... there are hundreds of them on their way!


Comrade JAM: As much as it pains me to back off, this was just a hit on the Peach scourge, OASIS! But now we must disappear back into the shadows.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that there a large amount of factions vying for land occupied by the Space Moors (OASIS) that was seized from Emeria.

Man, I'm so offended.

Just kidding, I actually thought it was pretty funny.

I wonder if any of the BrikWars members are also involved in I.S.I.S. activity...

Valiant wrote:I wonder if any of the BrikWars members are also involved in I.S.I.S. activity...

Well, there is one coalition against OASIS, but that one's also about genociding peaches, something that won't suit my personal taste.

Bluefog wrote:WARNING: This is a satire. Don't get your panties in a bunch.

I actually mean it. This could be considered offensive and honestly mean none.

It is just a satire.

I've needed to write ground rules for offensiveness for a long time, but off the top of my head:

• 6. If you're saying something offensive, the fact that you didn't "mean" any offense doesn't make it less offensive. Not "meaning" it just means that it's just as offensive, but also, you're tone deaf.
  
  7. If you're saying something offensive, don't try to rationalize it away. Own it. If you don't have the guts to own your own offensiveness, then don't be offensive. Just sit tight and somebody else will make those jokes instead. We're not suffering from any lack of assholes here.
  
  8. There's no such thing as "it is just a satire." All satire is supposed to offend, that's the whole point. The only question is who you choose as a target, and the degree to which that choice of target makes you more or less of an asshole.

That all being said, OASIS so far mostly just leaves me unsatisfied; stock-issue Allah just seems like a lazy choice and doesn't have the same cachet as the more BrikWarsy deities like BrikThulhu and Raptor Jesus and Bob. I feel like these OASIS guys have a lot more funny religious potential than that.

I was going to say something along stubby's last point. With all the imagination you've put into crafting your other factions, it seems like a waste to be like "okay so they're ISIS but I'm calling them OASIS." They seem more like something out of a South Park episode than a Brikwars faction.

Idea: they worship Ka-blah, the god of explosions. Andd replace "infidels" with "Lemons" or something.

EDIT: Alternatively they could worship Admiral Ackbar.

I've heard that Admiral Ackbar liked to blow things up.

OASIS does not worship this false god "allah."

OASIS belongs to the First Universal Church of Explosions, which is even more useful for parodying (Middle Eastern) Muslim for their stereotypical seas suicide bombers.

Vami wrote:OASIS belongs to the First Universal Church of Explosions,

I remember that now.
I suppose you should mention that every now and then to remind all those other forgetful people.

stubby wrote: I've needed to write ground rules for offensiveness for a long time, but off the top of my head:

• 6. If you're saying something offensive, the fact that you didn't "mean" any offense doesn't make it less offensive. Not "meaning" it just means that it's just as offensive, but also, you're tone deaf.

I disagree. I think it helps if I tell people I don't actually think that way and that my intention is not to offend and that the actual intent is a satirical examination for humorous purposes. Maybe you're not like minded and don't find it funny, and I'm almost sorry for that, but... I tried, and there's no pleasing everyone so I'll get over it.

stubby wrote: 7. If you're saying something offensive, don't try to rationalize it away. Own it. If you don't have the guts to own your own offensiveness, then don't be offensive. Just sit tight and somebody else will make those jokes instead. We're not suffering from any lack of assholes here.

I do own it. I didn't create some random account to take a jab at a middle eastern people because I'm not racist. I'm drawing attention to the fact it's so ridiculous. I was hoping it came across as such. I used my only user name, so I own it. It is intended for satire, which, last time I checked was supposed to be somewhat funny.

stubby wrote: 8. There's no such thing as "it is just a satire." All satire is supposed to offend, that's the whole point. The only question is who you choose as a target, and the degree to which that choice of target makes you more or less of an asshole.[/list]

There is totally a "Just a satire" because you know why? This is it.

stubby wrote: That all being said, OASIS so far mostly just leaves me unsatisfied; stock-issue Allah just seems like a lazy choice and doesn't have the same cachet as the more BrikWarsy deities like BrikThulhu and Raptor Jesus and Bob. I feel like these OASIS guys have a lot more funny religious potential than that.