Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

The Magic SOB forum is for posts of story sequences that are frequently vignette-based. Put those here while actual battle reports can go in Reports From the Field.
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Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Bluefog » Tue Jun 30, 2015 7:36 pm

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A four wheel drive truck with a strange mutant inside crawls over the harsh terrain of Enclo3.

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Rocks and boulders grind together with satisfying crunching noises as the vehicle makes progress forward.

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The colours indicate that this vehicle is friendly yet an unfamiliar occupant suggests trouble.

Lookouts call down to Jonah Hex informing him of the incoming potential threat. He readies the door guards and a couple Winged Demons join the mix.

The beefy truck accelerates hard as it gets to an open area, the gorgeous noise of pure horsepower disturbing the otherwise tranquil moment. Jonah and the troops make ready for an all out assault, but the driver has other ideas. Just as the unknown mutant enters the point of no return he slams on the brake skidding sideways in front of the door.

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Jonah Hex: You stupid sonuva bitch! We almos' blew yer dumbass away! Git outta the truck ya vermin!

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Jonah Hex: Outta th' truck, asshole!

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??: I meant no offense.

Jonah Hex: Jist who th' hell are ya?

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??: Didn't you get the message? Did you not hear of my arrival?

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Jonah Hex: Yer arrival?

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??: I'm Comrade JAM.

Jonah Hex: ...you ain't him. He was my kin.

Comrade JAM: That particular version of JAM was your kin, yes. Jonah, let's go inside and we'll discuss this. You can tell I'm no threat, I'm unarmed and be honest, there is a sense of familiarity about me you find relieving right?

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Comrade JAM: Hello, Billy.
Billy Gibbons: ...Comrade? Wait, this can't...

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Comrade JAM: I can explain... Alright, I told Jonah I'd tell you everything and I will. As I mentioned outside, the mantle of Comrade JAM is something that gets passed on when one dies. The only thing I can tell you is that the Mantle gets passed to a worthy successor. The responsibility of the Mantle was passed to me because I possess such qualities it looks for.

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Billy Gibbons: Well, I don't think that makes much sense. I mean, how many Comrade JAM's were there before this Comrade JAM and how come we never noticed?

Comrade JAM: That is something I cannot answer, for I do not know. When the Mantle chose me the only thing I could do was make my way to Enclo3 and begin my reign. Come now, I wish to address the troops.

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Comrade JAM: Hello, some of you may already recognize me as the new Comrade JAM, this may shock you, some of you deemed Comrade JAM immortal, and while the Mantle shall stand forever, the heroes behind it may fall. Now, I solemnly vow to you all to uphold the moral code that the Mantle of Comrade JAM stands for. I swear by this OTC that enemies of the Army of JAM shall fall and I shall avenge my predecessor. Thank you.
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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Quantumsurfer » Tue Jun 30, 2015 9:54 pm

Oooh, he's like the Phantom!

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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Vami IV » Tue Jun 30, 2015 11:09 pm

why is he a razgrizzly

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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Silverdream » Wed Jul 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Hell yeah, Wolf Jam.
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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Bluefog » Thu Jul 02, 2015 7:34 pm

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Comrade JAM: I'm very sorry to hear of your plight. I would like to invite you and your family for dinner at my palace.

Woman: Really? That's so generous of you.

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Man: Why are you so concerned with our troubles? The old Comrade JAM didn't seem to care.

Comrade JAM: My predecessor and I conduct things differently. I see the value of a healthy relationship with everyone. Please, your family will be my family. I will be eternally grateful for your company.

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Man: I guess so, we're half starved, we really can't refuse a meal.

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Comrade JAM: Excellent, I'm happy to have you.


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Comrade JAM: Alright, we're here.

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Woman: This doesn't look like a palace...

Comrade JAM: Bot 3 put a gun on the child!

Bot 3: Yessir.

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Woman: Oh my god, what the hell are you doing? * cries *

Man: You sonuvabitch! I knew this was too good to be true!

Comrade JAM: Listen up or I'll blow your sons head off! Now, come over here and kneel, pleb!

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Man: If you hurt my son I'll--

Comrade JAM: You'll what? Huh? Huh? You can't do anything! Now silence!

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Comrade JAM: Oh Immortal King of Mayhem, my faith in you is strong. You send forth your mutant spawn to spread beautiful destruction. It is in your honour, lord, that I present to you an offering in hopes you may aide me in my rule as Comrade JAM. I pledge to you, oh great Ragnoroktopus, my services as an agent for your deadly agenda...

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Woman: * sobbing uncontrollably *
Comrade JAM: Shut up, bitch! Brikthulu accept my offering and grant me power! I live only to serve you!

BBBBBZZZZZZZZZZRRRTTCHZZZZZZZZZRRRRRRRRRTTTCCCCCCCCHHHHHZZZZZZTCH!!

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Comrade JAM: Blow their heads off.


BLAM!! BLAM!!

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Thanks for your help, Robot Assassin Dudes, now, clean up this mess, I'm going for a beer.
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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by lordintype » Thu Jul 02, 2015 10:42 pm

Err...
The real Piltogg was the friends we made along the way.

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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Bluefog » Fri Jul 03, 2015 12:07 am

lordintype wrote:Err...
Don't worry he won't drink and drive.
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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Insert_blank » Fri Jul 03, 2015 12:42 am

Hail Brikthulhu!
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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Vami IV » Fri Jul 03, 2015 3:21 am

8/10 didn't esplode the man dude by OTC anus insertion.

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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Zupponn » Fri Jul 03, 2015 10:08 am

I guess the real Comrade JAM needs to come back to save the day.
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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Quantumsurfer » Sat Jul 04, 2015 1:41 am

Man, that got hyper weird fast.

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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Colette » Sat Jul 04, 2015 1:41 pm

The new Comrade JAM feels like TV!Stannis Baratheon.

Hail Brikthulhu I guess.
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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Bluefog » Sat Jul 04, 2015 2:44 pm

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Jonah Hex: Worshipin' Brikthulu don't feel right. I mean, human sacrifice? Ain't there enough death already?

Comrade JAM: Brikthulu requires sacrifice.

Jonah Hex: This ain't right, I-

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Comrade JAM: IT IS RIGHT!! Sacrifices must be made! I would willingly sacrifice the entire Brikverse to Brikthulu if it would bring me ultimate power!

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Billy Gibbons: You're fuckin' crazy.

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Comrade JAM: Perhaps, but many great men have been called crazy through history, I am no exception. In any event, I'm done talking about this and Brikthulu requires more sacrifice!

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----

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Random Dude 1: Sure is cold.

Random Dude 2: Yeah, what I wouldn't give for a warm bed and a hot meal.

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Random Dude 3: I'd kill for that.

Comrade JAM: Knock knock!

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Random Dude 1: ...the fuck?

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Comrade JAM: Sorry to disturb you but I need something from you three.

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Random Dude 2: Comrade JAM needs something from us? Of course! What is it, the shirt off my back?! We've given you everything!! Between the high taxes, all the war and carnage, we have nothing! What is it you could possibly take from us that you haven't already!?!??!!??!

Comrade JAM: Why, your lives of course. Hail Brikthulu!

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BBBZZZZZZZZRRRRRRRRRCCCCHHHHHTTZZ!!

Random Dude 2: RUN!!

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Comrade JAM: You cannot out run me, I can fly 8 inhces, you can only move 5!

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Random Dude 2: AAAAAAAHHH!!!

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BBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZRRRRRRRRRRRZZRRZZRRRRRRRTTTTCCHH!!!

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Comrade JAM: BWAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!

Random Dude 3: Holy shit, man, don't kill me!

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Comrade JAM: Brikthulu must have sacrifice!

Random Dude 3: AAAAAAAAHH!!

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BBBBBBZZZZZZZRRZZRRZRZRZZRZZZZZZZRRTTTTCCHH!!

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Comrade JAM: Oh Brikthulu, the mighty and powerful, the eternal one, the everlasting lord of chaos! These three lives were sacrificed in your honour. Please grant me what I've asked for and I shall deliver to you more souls.

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Comrade JAM: Hail Brikthulu!!!

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Comrade JAM: HAIL BRIKTHULU!!!!!
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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Legomc » Sat Jul 04, 2015 5:57 pm

The stat references are real.
TheVengefulOne wrote:
XxXTheEdgiestMemeXxX wrote:>I believe Concave Dolphin is a very balanced and well-rounded team. However, Concave Dolphin could benefit from a healer and a tank. :tiger:
If you mean Concave Dolphin could benefit from being run over by a tank, I think they already have.

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Re: Army of JAM: The Comrade's Mantle

Post by Insert_blank » Sun Jul 05, 2015 10:22 am

You missed a perfect chance for anal OTC insertion, JAM. Way to let a guy down.
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