The BrikWars Forums

Location: Near Bavarian space
Time: 1/14/G.R. 2018, 12:30am
Description: Trattorian Recovery Force - RARCom International Joint Task Force Alpha-Nine Mission Log, Operation WEEPING CANARY


RARCom Retriever James: What the fuck happened here? There's blood and shit and dolls and corposes strewn everywhere.
TRF Sergeant Kang: Looks like a failed ritual of some sort. Consistent with the Magicians Alliance reports of anomalous activity in the area.
RARCom Retriever James: When did we all start sharing intel and working with each other, anyway?
TRF Sergeant Kang: We don't. But if the WEEPING CANARY intel and prior reports are accurate, none of us will want this to happen.


RARCom Retriever James: A̵H̴H̷Ḫ̶̬͋͝H̸̯̐, my head h̵u̵r̷t̵s̴.
TRF Sergeant Kang: Sergeant James, is your anti-cognitohazard SCRAMBLE gear operational?
RARCom Retriever James: Yesss...but it still gives me a hell of a kick even through the filter.


"自̷͙̰̯̫̬̬̣̅͜分̷̙͇͈͎̰̈́͌͝を̵̡͍̹̭̺̻̲̼̪̾̏̄͛　̴̬̲͎̱̫̥̫͚̓͋̋̽̂̐̓͗͗̈́ͅ世̸̙̪̰̦̙̯̽̏̋̇̄̑̓̿̀̕界̵̲̜͊͒̾͐̄͋͗̈́̈́さ̸͔̬͚͓͆̉̄̓え̴̡̩̠͒͂̆͠͝も̷͈̩͂̓̈́̍͋͘　̴̨̡͕͈̮̳̙͈͑̈́̈́̓̈̎̊̇͒͜͝変̴̩̯̳͕̽́̎͐̒͝え̵̮͖̞͈̌̈́̒̀͌̈́̉̋̊̽て̴̬͓̽̓̓̇̂̋̈́し̴̩̦́̓ま̸̧̡̡̛̥͕̺͎̥͝え̶̞̬͛͛そ̸̛͇͕̟̯̠̲̲́̈́͊͌͘ͅう̴̧̟̮̱͔̓̀̆̎͗な̵̗̺̰͋̈̿̏̓̕　̷̧͈͙͉͊̀̀́̎͐"
TRF Lieutenant Ross: Did anyone else hear that?
RARCom Professor Bernstein: Shut up, we're communicating through radio. That's impossible.


RARCom Professor Bernstein: Here, I cut a path through with my OTC.
TRF Sergeant Kang: Scanners are detecting a large amount of Liang bosons on the other side of that wall.


TRF Lieutenant Ross: All units, prepare for insertion into a hot situation and to engage with threat entities of unknown capability.

To be continued...

Argh! The walls are covered with girls!

Neckbeard Leader: Have you brought the artifact, my friend?
Weeaboo Kultist: Yes, my lord.


Weeaboo Kultist: I and a few other /k/ommandos used the magik and ninja training you bestowed on us to return Her Holiness's rapier from a Scythian KINGUNDERTHEMOUNTAIN facility into the possession of Her rightful followers. I present Her Holiness's weapon to you freely as a gift, so that we together may further our goals.


Neckbeard Leader: Most excellent, my friend. Did you acquire the other required ingredient for the ritual?
Weeaboo Kultist: I apologize my lord, we were unable to retrieve any m'ladies, perhaps we require further training.
Neckbeard Leader: That will be unnecessary. The ritual calls only for a virgin.


Weeaboo Kultist: *gurgle* Traitor!
Neckbeard Leader: A single life is irrelevant compared to Her Holiness the Best Girl, the Empress of 2D, the One and Only True Waifu.
Weeaboo Kultist: *cough* You...would go that far...just to...see...that...pleb...tier...Asuna...
Neckbeard Leader: I gave up everything the moment I laid eyes on Her Holiness.


TRF Sergeant Kang: Attention kultists, this is Joint Task Force Alpha-Nine! Under the authorities of the Meritocratic Republic of Trattoria and the Praetorian Empire, we command you to cease your anomalous activities for the sake of maintaining consensus reality!


Neckbeard Leader: Ha, ha, ha...Omae wa mou shindeiru, you unenlightened gaijins. The ritual has already begun, and soon Her Holiness will enter the BrikVerse and shine upon all with her lambent light.

"REE̸E̷E̴Ę̶̺͆͐Ȩ̷̭͠Ȇ̷̬̚E̷̛̗̯̩̻͕͔͚͈͂̽͂̏̒̀̓̿E̴̛̻̣͑̐͌̅͛̽̉̏Ẻ̵͔̙̯̙̹͉̀̆̚͜Ȩ̷͇́̆̓̿͝Ẻ̵̡͈̜͚E̸͙͚͈͒̑E̸̛̙̪̖̘͐͂͗̈́̍̋̈́̋̽͗́̃̌̎̎̐̚͘͝͝͝ͅĘ̴͖̭̥̥̤̞̻͉͉̭̻̻̇̎̐͂̃̔͂̆̿̿̐̈̕͜Ȩ̴̧̯̞͉̱̹̖̺̪͍̘̝̙͓͓̯̮̩͙̦͈̱̾̋̕͘͜ͅȨ̴̧̨̡͈̺͍̤̖̫̮̲̥̥̟͈͚͚̟̰̣͓͚̩̞̪̬͉͛͌̈́̈̈̂̉̓Ȩ̸̡̖̣̲̟̱̯̪̝̯̬̖͉̙̘̖̬̰̠͇͐̀̈̾̀͒̽̎̔͊̎͒̈́̀̒̍̿̓̋̎̂̽̄̓̚͘͘͜͜͝͝͝Ȩ̷̡̲̱͉̼̟͇̈́̔͗̋̃̃̽̇̄̈́͛̍̀̓̐̔͊͑̉̄̅̄͌̅̀̂͘̕͜͠E̵̗̞̱̗̎͐̇Ȩ̶̡̧̛̩̪̞̖̯̟͓̼͙̫̤̣̠̝̘̬̮̫͎͔͆̍̅̈̇͛͛̐̏̿̒̏̎͛͊͑͂̌̀̔̌͑̃͛̓̋͛̎̉̉͝͠Ě̵̡̢͎̗̹͈̲͎̫̮͙͓̘̤̬̎̏̄̍́̓͋̐̋̅̽͒̀̒͗͆̑̎̾̃́̈́͘͘͜͜͝E̸̖͕͈̤̯̠̼̰̼̜̒̇̑̾̈͗̍̅̊̔̀͊͐̃͗́͌̈́̈́̀͒̄͆̎̊̓̏̕͝͠͝ͅȆ̴̢̨̠̘͓̻̩͈̥̼̲͉̮̖̗̲̒́̑͆͒̕͜͝E̸̡͔̥͓̦͓̠͙̼͍̙͇̥̰̣̦̲͂̍͆̇̇͑̃͆̆͊͐͐͒Ẹ̴͒̉̽̍̈́͑̂̄̓͆̔̋͌̎̃̇̈́̀͊͘͝͝E̶̢̡͓̱̗̪̳͍̳̱̘̳̞̺̦̯͕̥͉̗̿̊͂̆̋́̒͆̎̌́̀̂̉̊̈̿̎̆̑̆̔͂͋͒͐̇͐̚̕͜͜͜͝ͅE̵̝̪͚͂͂́͌̍͝E̵̡̻͓͇̩͔̱̰̮̞͚͔̣̥͍̦͖͕̹͓͕̺͖͇̺̻̦͔̓̒̔̉͆͐͗̔̌͘͘͝ͅE̴̡̧̢̧̧̜̙̜̳̯̩̝̟̭̺̳̐̅̍͒̈́̋͛̃̄͐ͅȆ̶̢̢̡̮͓̤̜͓͇͖̻̜͇̪͇̮͍͔̺̝̮̥̭̥̝̫̼̀͆͜͜"

To be continued...

This is beautifully cringey.

I like where this is going. Also, NANI??

WARNING: THIS FILE MAY CONTAIN COGNITOHAZARDS, MEMETIC HAZARDS, OR INFOHAZARDS. EXERCISE EXTREME CAUTION WHEN VIEWING THIS FILE. DO NOT READ THIS FILE WITHOUT PROPER INOCULATION AND DIRECT AUTHORIZATION FROM A LEVEL 3.5 SCIENTIST. FAILURE TO REPORT SIGNS OF MENTAL CONTAMINATION MAY RESULT IN FORCEFUL AMNESIAC TREATMENT OR TERMINATION.

=====

Location: Undisclosed Location
Time: ██/██/G.R. 2018; █:██ ██
Description: Project BLEEDING SONGBIRD


Trattorian Scientist: Memetic agent Sigma-Alpha-Omicron-35TG4 prepared for experiment. Guard, please verify calibration of your memetic-blocking SCRAMBLE gear by reading the filtered code on the screen.
Lambda Studios Guard: Oscar, sierra, universe, november, alfa.
Trattorian Scientist: Safety precautions confirmed. Is test subject ready?
Bavarian Prisoner of War: Where the hell am I? What year is it? Why does my head hurt looking at this? Did my family survive the AN-TA War?
Trattorian Scientist: Subject exhibiting disorientation due to extraction from long-term cryogenic storage. Guard, enforce compliance.


Lambda Studios Guard: If you ever want to see your family again, watch the damn cartoon.

[DATA EXPUNGED]



...thirty minutes later...


Lambda Studios Guard: Well, looks like he won’t be seeing his family again anyway.
Trattorian Scientist: Memetics is more of an art than a science at this point, but even failures may provide illumination. Bring his brain up to level 3 for an MRI and dissection.

Corpora, Planet Trattoria, Meritocratic Republic of Trattoria


Dr. Minakami, Co-CEO of Lambda Studios: Apologies to everyone on the conference call, but I have a last-minute meeting now. Yes, yes, the Q3 earnings report is important to me, Dr. Velacruz from accounting is - yes, we are talking with the Securities Trade Commission and the USA’s SEC to push back disclosure to investors until after Sort Art Online’s third season premieres. OK, goodbye everyone, talk again later.


Co-CEO Minakami: Would it have killed you guys to give me a bit more heads up?
Dr. Miyako, Lab Director, Physics, Science Department: Thank you for the flexibility with your schedule, Dr. Minakami.
Co-CEO Minakami: As if!
Dr. Kamishiraishi, Junior Legislator of 23rd District: We genuinely appreciate it, co-CEO, urgent matters are at hand.
Co-CEO Minakami: Of course, everything is urgent to you guys! And then you’ll bore me with stupid politics and bureaucracy and secret this and that. Have you ever tried just having fun, you know, maybe kicking back and watching one of our animes or something? It wouldn’t kill you, you know!


Dr. Miyako: I must confess I do not consider myself a fan of, um, animation.
Co-CEO Minakami: You really are a scientist, aren’t you? Because that’s not how you start off a negotiation. And this meeting is one, isn’t it? Why don’t we skip the opening song and just go straight to the episode?
Legislator Kamishiraishi: Project Bleeding Songbird. We intend to discuss Project Bleeding Songbird.


Co-CEO Minakami: Of course it’s bleeding songbird or bleating shepherd or whatever ridiculous name you have for your ridiculous scheme to brainwash the galaxy with our anime.
Dr. Miyako: I would not quite put it in such general terms. Project Bleeding Songbird has immediate, intermediate applications to Trattorian national security and interests. For example, Operation AZURE FIREWORK demonstrated the power of your company’s anime memetics research.


Co-CEO Minakami: AZURE FIREWORK was a tremendous disaster that went up and came back down on us. Using anime to influence the 2016 USA elections, seriously? Your - our - greedy government ignored the stern warnings of my company’s in-house memeticists and charged ahead. “Oops” doesn’t really cut accidentally electing that troglodyte Dolan Trump into office, I'm sure that was in our "national interest".
Dr. Miyako: But it did demonstrate the power of anime to influence large minifigure populations.
Co-CEO Minakami: What good does its raw power do us if we are unable to understand or control it? Memetics is so poorly understood it’s considered anomalous pseudoscience. We have no idea why anime has the effects it does on our minifig minds and reality. And yet you suggest dumping this unknown and untested, essentially mental equivalent of a biological weapon, onto the entertainment medium of billions, trillions of minifigs across the galaxies?
Dr. Miyako: Yes.


Co-CEO Minakami: Why are you here.
Legislator Kamishiraishi: The Immortal War is coming.
Co-CEO Minakami: So?
Legislator Kamishiraishi: We have neutrina bombs, planet-busters, the largest starships in the galaxy. Zombie viruses, crop blights, chlorine-trifluoride. But we will need every possible weapon in the fight against the Immortals. That includes memetics.
Co-CEO Minakami: You’ve already commissioned us to research this - illegally and under the table, I might add. What’s changed?


Legislator Kamishiraishi: I am talking with Legislator Minase about introducing a bill to legalize research into memetic weapons.
Co-CEO Minakami: But that - that would defy the Council of Scientists and create a constitutional crisis!
Legislator Kamishiraishi: Dr. Minakami, we really need this. Recovered Immortal battle plans indicate they plan to destabilize our financial markets and incite rebellions amongst our soldiers.
Co-CEO Minakami: You want...you want to brainwash stock traders and soldiers - Trattorians! - with memetic anime? I mean, soldiers are one thing, but Citizens too? That’s what you’re asking of me?
Dr. Miyako nods in silence, eyes closed.


Legislator Kamishiraishi: Oh do not preach morality to us now, look at all the extra profits Lambda Studios has reaped since we covertly started supporting your memetics program. Trillions of extra dollars thanks to trillions of extra minifig eyeballs glued to your anime!
Co-CEO Minakami: I didn’t get into the anime business because I wanted to make money.
Dr. Miyako: You might not want to, but perhaps your corporate Board of Directors might want such a quality in your replacement.


Co-CEO Minakami: I’ve accepted all your ridiculous proposals up until now, but this is too much. Brainwashing our own Trattorians? Manipulating the stock markets? What will be next, rigging our elections and changing our culture?
Dr. Miyako: That’s a little extreme, when properly engineered, the effects of a good memetic agent could best be described as a nudge.
Co-CEO Minakami: I’ll have to think about this. Dr. Kamishiraishi, you used to work for us. I thought a little shred of the company culture could have remained with you even in the world of politics.
Legislator Kamishiraishi: Well, Dr. Minakami, think about it hard and well.

this just gets better and better

Colette wrote:
WARNING: THIS FILE MAY CONTAIN COGNITOHAZARDS, MEMETIC HAZARDS, OR INFOHAZARDS. EXERCISE EXTREME CAUTION WHEN VIEWING THIS FILE. DO NOT READ THIS FILE WITHOUT PROPER INOCULATION AND DIRECT AUTHORIZATION FROM A LEVEL 3.5 SCIENTIST. FAILURE TO REPORT SIGNS OF MENTAL CONTAMINATION MAY RESULT IN FORCEFUL AMNESIAC TREATMENT OR TERMINATION.

Bonus points for good use of SCP foundation lingo.