Loot-a-Palooza Finale

[bertinator]

<<< Previously | Campaign Top Thread

On a quiet afternoon, Bertinator is working on his latest project in his garage– installing some updates on his personal interdimensional portal.




"Planning an interdimensional trip, Bert?"
"fuck! Quantum. How did you get in here?"
"Door was open."




"Huh. Guess I never really closed the door. Anyway. I’m just fiddling with the hardware. I haven’t been involved with interdimensional travel for quite some time."




"Any chance it can wait a little longer?"
"I have a feeling I don’t really have a choice."
"It's time to assemble the heroes of loot-a-palooza. We must convene as soon as figuratively possible."




"Why?"
"It’s best if I tell you all in person."

[bertinator]

It’s a quiet, buzzing night at the Boulder as a member of the staff gets a call.

“Uh-huh. Understood. Will do.”



He heads over to Zupponn and Viktor the Lancor, enjoying a drink at the bar, to bring them the bad news.

“Excuse me, gentlemen. We’re closing in ten. Our boss is bringing in the Loot-a-Palooza crew for a meeting. You can finish your drinks.”




“What a shame.”
“Loot-a-Palooza? What’s that?”
“Viiktoooor, you don’t know??”
“Uhhh.... it’s been a while.”
"You should check out the Top Thread."
"No way I'm reading through all that."
“Let me give you a recap then.”




"So it all started with a big party, right here in this bar. QS Bertinator used that night to inspire a small group of heroic characters to go on a quest, together. First thing they did was offer their help to Skulls Mackenzie, who lost his ride, the PartyBattleBus. It’s on this backwater, shithole farm, guarded by a clan of Technobandits, so naturally, a big fight breaks out. The adventurers take out their leader, a droid named AstroMike, and they reclaim the bus. But in the process, one of the heroes is kidnapped, right? So next thing you know, the rest of the crew is flying out to this remote spacestation, where the technobandits are keeping her. She’s rescued, eventually, but that place is crawling with fleebnorks! The heroes try to get their hands on this a-ma-zing speederbike, but BOOM! AstroMike has come back to - quote unquote - life and steals the speeder right from under their noses."
“Hot damn.”
“By now, the heroes have figured out that they’ll be needing a lot of loot, not just to win battles, even if it means betraying each other.”




“Well yeah, that makes perfect sense. People call me the fucking loot goblin, but for good reason. Loot items make you more powerful, but you can’t have loot if you don’t have an epic battle first.”
“Right.”




“So Vomarsk, a friend of the group, he knows this too. He convinces the heroes to help him out with a little chore in the underworld. And boy, does Hell have Loot. The heroes find a bunch of wacky weapons, slay a demon, recruit some friends, all the cool shit. But ever since they got back, everything's been kind of silent.”
“Oh....”
“Yeah. Only thing that happened is that Nervyr died. Again. And he came back to life. Again.”




“So what are they up to tonight then? Getting back together after all this time?”
“Only 2x2 knows. Anyway, it’s time to go, Viktor. Let’s bail.”

[bertinator]

The escapading heroes have assembled once more in Bertinator’s bar. It’s the first time seeing each other since their escapade in Hell.

Elyana: “Guys, I keep hearing about interdimensional travel. Isn’t it ossum? The potential applications to warfare are endless.”
MadMario: “It’s certainly a disruptive technology.”
Bragallot: “It’z nozing new, phortal teknolozee haz been around für decades!”
Nervyr: “Homie, it’s the scale that matters. Straight fire, ez.”
Dasher: “I wonder who is going to regulate all this...”



“Ahem! May I have your attention, please?”

All heads turned as Quantum stepped inside.




"I’ve asked Bertinator to gather you all here because we have a problem. A big one."

Quantum let the weight of his words settle before continuing.

“It’s AstroMike.”




“You all know the name. You all know what he’s capable of. The droid that engineered its own survival. The adversary who has outmanoeuvred you time and time again, cheating even destruction itself. And now, he’s up to something worse. Something dangerous. If we don’t act fast, we may not get another chance to stop it.”




“Have a seat, all.”

Quantum didn’t wait for the questions to pile up—he cut straight to the heart of it.

“I’ve been tracking AstroMike’s activity. He’s been searching for something—something long forgotten. And now, I know what it is.”




“He’s located the brain of his inventor, and is making his move to retrieve it.”




The room fell into silence, then—

“His inventor?” Elyana repeated, frowning.
“... just his brain?” Bertinator added, eyebrows shooting up.
“Was happen’d too zis guy?” asked Bragallot.




“Okay. Look. This is going to sound ridiculous, but stay with me. Years ago — many years ago — the inventor, already equipped with numerous biomechanical enhancements, performed what he called a ‘necessary upgrade."

Quantum gestured vaguely, mimicking big muscles.
“He transformed himself into a Brootal.”




Silence.

A chair creaked. Someone coughed. The adventurers exchanged glances, as if checking to see if anyone else had just heard what they did.

“…I’m sorry, WHAT?”




“You know—massive, hulking, smash-first-ask-never types...”

“That’s absurd.”
“It’s a bold career move, that’s for sure.”

Quantum continued, “The problem is, well… the Brootal body took one look at his brilliant, overthinking brain and said, ‘Nope.’”



“The body rejected the brain. Clean split.”
“How does that even work?”
“Nobody really knows. My leading theory is that the brootal sentience revolves around sheer muscle memory and WAAAGH-drenalin. All we know is that...”
“... Brootalz don’t need brains.”




“Exactly. The brain was left behind; the brootal body stomped off into the distance, towards the edges of the very brikverse. Eventually, reports started coming in of a wild, rampaging Brootal terrorizing villages and wrecking towns - living its best, brainless life."




“So… what does AstroMike plan to do? Reattach the brain? Upload it? Control it? Jam it into a socket and hope for the best?”
Quantum shook his head. “We don’t know yet. And that’s the terrifying part. This rogue droid, the one who’s outsmarted you before, is meddling with a Brootal brain-body disaster waiting to happen.”




“Not if we get to the brain first. Before AstroMike. Destroy it, and the droid, and then the brootal body, before we’re forced to fight on multiple fronts.”
“Excellent.”
“We’ll head out tomorrow, at first light.”




“One more thing before you go. Gather your Loot. Everything you’ve accumulated over the course of this campaign. Pile it up and bring it with you.”
“Warum?”
“You’ll be needing it.”

[bertinator]

The Boulder - normally filled with clanking mugs and cheerful shouting - sat quiet, save for the occasional shuffle of an early-bird adventurer arriving for departure, packing the spoils of their campaign thus far.




Bragallot arrives last, lugging in a crate of explosives that clearly exceeded all local safety regulations.
“Guten morgen! I brought ze essentialz.”




The team gathers around the table - loading gear, checking maps, and psyching themselves up for what's to come.
“So... we head out now, right?”
Quantum opened his mouth to answer-




KNOCK KNOCK



A heavy, metallic knock.
Too precise.
Too rhythmic.
Too… smug.

Everyone froze.



Again -

KNOCK. KNOCK.

Followed by a cheerful electronic voice:
“Attention: Occupants! Delivery for the Loot-a-Palooza Adventuring Crew. Signed - AstroMike. Compliance requested!”




Mario muttered, “This is not how I wanted to start my morning.”
Dasher whispered, “Do we open it?”
Bragallot: “Nein. Vee blow eet up.”
Elyana: “Let’s hear him first.”
Nervyr: “No! Absolutely not!”




Quantum stepped forward with a grim determination, lifting a hand to silence the group.
“He’s here,” he said quietly.
“Bert, I suggest you let him in.”




Bert hesitates for a moment, then reaches out and pressed the door release.

“AstroMike.”
“B.E.R.T.”




“What do you want, droid?” asks Elyana from a distance, glaive in hand.
“Are you here to blow us up? Again?”




AstroMike didn’t answer.

Instead, with a grinding click, AstroMike rotated a full 180 degrees.

Something organic pulsed on the droids back, hooked into AstroMike’s frame with a mess of jagged wiring.



...

*PLOP* *PLOP*



The Brain lifted a battered little megaphone with one of its' mechanical tendrils.

BWOOO-EEEEEEE—KRRRSHH.

The room winced as the feedback shrieked through the bar.

Then the Brain spoke.

“Oh fantastic, it’s you idiots,” it snarled, voice dripping with sarcasm.




“It... talks?”




“Talks? I insult, sweetheart, and you’re making that all too easy for me.”
“You’re the inventor, aren’t you? Did you come here just to insult us?”
“Wow, you must be feeling really good about yourself for figuring that part out. What a fucking shame you can’t use that big pointy head of yours to think at least one step ahead. I’m not here to insult you - if I wanted a major disappointment, I could’ve stopped after taping myself to this knockoff Roomba with delusions of greatness.”




“Good news, Loot-a-Palooza! I brought you a gift.”

The floor shuddered.

“That’s not a gift,” Elyana said flatly.

“It is if you enjoy violent challenges and near-death experiences,” the Brain shot back.
“You’re welcome.”

“You need us to deal with it,” Dasher said.

“I absolutely do not,” the Brain snapped.
“I am simply… generously allowing you a first crack at the problem.”





*WAAAAGGGHHH*

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