This Miserable Rock

[Silverdream]

Please guys, comments and criticism are needed. I'm trying to improve my writing skills. Also, please let me know if something is confusing or unclear.

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The cracks grew bigger until they reached the sky, covering it in a grim black. No light could reach the B-Planet as it was sent hurtling forwards in space and time. The Kaiser made the same dour face he always did, not that anyone could see in the dark. His long brown hair stood still, and the planet wasn't disturbed by a single breeze. "So this is how it ends" said Byron. "No matter, at least I'll have my revenge!"

Klaus' eyes adjusted, and he saw the light of Byron's nova sword come towards him. The weapon was massive, and a clear "blade" the size of a log emerged from the fish shaped handle. The handle itself resembled an antique singing mantle fish. It was an odd-looking weapon, one that could only be designed in the mind of a Silvadream. His armour was thick and elaborate, covered in shiny chrome and silver that reflected the blade's light. Klaus ran. He pulled a small trigger on the shovel, firing a bright green laser at Byron. The laser bounced off of the Nova sword and hit the ground in front of him. "Protect the Kaiser!" someone yelled. Rifles fired in vain at Byron, whose shields formed an impenetrable barrier. Grenades were thrown and easily dodged. Klaus continued to run. His heavy armour pushed itself to it's limits, crushing the moss and grass beneath him. He stumbled and slipped on a small mud puddle, only to catch himself with his other leg. He knew that a single misstep meant his death. He kept firing blindly behind himself, hoping for a lucky shot. It didn't happen. The dark planet was illuminated with gunfire, explosions and quick green lasers cutting through the cold air. Kaiser Klaus reached a rock face, and stopped. He was trapped and his enemy was closing in on him. Klaus drew his katana from his back and turned to face Byron.

Renate.

All Klaus could think of was Renate. Her red hair and the few freckles on her face. Her warm body and her ice cold hands and feet. Her soft lips and round thighs. How she made him feel like a genius sometimes and an idiot the next. Her stark unwavering support for him and their country. He remembered the talk they had, and the choice they made for their children. He remembered the first time they made love, and the birth of their first son. How he held her when poor Siegfried died, when Anton died, when Adeleaide died. He thought of the last time they spent time together, drinking bier and watching Intervision.

Byron's silver helmet glimmered slightly, and Klaus could almost see the joy in Byron's eyes. No more distractions. He made a defensive stance, carrying the shovel outward on his left and his sword behind him on his right.

Byron was angry, but he was also happy. Beneath his visor was a smiling face wrinkled by dimples and crow's feet. The man who had killed millions of his people, including his father was right in front of him, and powerless. All the suffering and sacrifices would soon be worth it, even if he would never see his home again. "All hail Britannia!" he shouted.

Byron saw the Kaiser turn his body sideways. "I'm afraid you can't dodge this!" he shouted with glee, and he countered Klaus' sidestep with a sideswipe. His nova sword went outward from his body and he closed in for the kill. With no where to run back to, Klaus couldn't dodge a slash from Byron's giant weapon. If anything, more of Klaus' body would be boiled and cut in his current stance.

Klaus moved quickly. He charged Byron and shot the shovel point blank at Byron. A laser pierced his shields and blasted his right hand off. Seeing his chance, Klaus brought his sword and stabbed it through Byron's visor in one quick motion. He then brought his boot to Byron's chest and kicked, and the heavy body slid off of his blade. "A pathetic man from a pathetic empire, descended from a bloodline of idiots and failures is no match for the Kaiser of Bavaria." The Bavarian soldiers cheered.

Klaus looked at the fresh corpse. Byron had mutilated himself with these silver and robotic parts, and to what purpose? He couldn't save his father from Klaus' troops, Pendragon from Klaus' bombers or his left eye from Klaus' blade. On paper, most incarnations of Byron should have crushed Klaus. He was a better admiral, and probably could have beaten Klaus in space if it wasn't for the Yellow Sector's meagre fleet. The first time he was altered, his psionic ability was unparalleled, and yet he fell to a gang of mercenaries. This time he had it all. He had better arms, physical ability and had the home field advantage. He had powerful allies, including a rogue quantum surfer. Yet he still failed.

The sky filled itself with light, and Klaus winced. "Ah, we've arrived" said Levi Zipps. "Everyone, welcome to the world of tomorrow!"

Klaus' transmitter was no longer silent. "Mein Kaiser, we appear to be thousands of years into the future. There is also a nearby fleet hailing us. Their ships are blue, yellow and white. Orders?"

"Levi, we've got company in orbit. Are you with us, or against us?" Klaus said, shaking the blood off of his sword.

"It's nothing to worry about, those ships are with me. They are the Time-Traveling Super Jews."

[Quantumsurfer]

You have a distinct penchant for storytelling. It's why I like you as a RP GM. You can make even silly things seem compelling. I enjoy the easy manner in which you blend the utterly serious with the sometimes goofy.

As to this piece, the only thing that struck me on the first read through was the second paragraph. It does not seem clear that Klaus is moving. I got the sense that Byron was charging and dodging everything thrown at him but I didn't realize Klaus was in tactical retreat until the second to last sentence.

Other than that, I think expanding Byron's point of view might serve you well. Or cutting them out. Or having him vocalize his thoughts instead. We are very much inside Klaus' head but then we switch suddenly here:

Byron saw the Kaiser turn his body sideways. "I'm afraid you can't dodge this" he thought, and he countered Klaus' sidestep with a sideswipe. His nova sword went outward from his body and he closed in for the kill.

It's a very anime moment, so perhaps vocalization would be for the best. Expanding that small bit with some dialogue and a stronger description of the maneuver should help the cohesiveness of the narrative.

Well done, overall. I look forward to more of this.

[Silverdream]

You have a distinct penchant for storytelling. It's why I like you as a RP GM. You can make even silly things seem compelling. I enjoy the easy manner in which you blend the utterly serious with the sometimes goofy.

Thanks, that means a lot from you.

As to this piece, the only thing that struck me on the first read through was the second paragraph. It does not seem clear that Klaus is moving. I got the sense that Byron was charging and dodging everything thrown at him but I didn't realize Klaus was in tactical retreat until the second to last sentence.

Other than that, I think expanding Byron's point of view might serve you well. Or cutting them out. Or having him vocalize his thoughts instead. We are very much inside Klaus' head but then we switch suddenly here:

Byron saw the Kaiser turn his body sideways. "I'm afraid you can't dodge this" he thought, and he countered Klaus' sidestep with a sideswipe. His nova sword went outward from his body and he closed in for the kill.

It's a very anime moment, so perhaps vocalization would be for the best. Expanding that small bit with some dialogue and a stronger description of the maneuver should help the cohesiveness of the narrative.

Well done, overall. I look forward to more of this.

I added more and changed some stuff based on what you said. I also added more descriptions based off of what Colette and Scratch told me. Do you think the following conveys Klaus' movement better?

Klaus' eyes adjusted, and he saw the light of Byron's nova sword come towards him. The weapon was massive, and a clear "blade" the size of a log emerged from the fish shaped handle. It was an odd-looking weapon, one that could only be designed in the mind of a Silvadream. His armour was thick and elaborate, covered in shiny chrome and silver that reflected the blade's light. Klaus ran. He pulled a small trigger on the shovel, firing a bright green laser at Byron. The laser bounced off of the Nova sword and hit the ground in front of him. "Protect the Kaiser!" someone yelled. Rifles fired in vain at Byron, whose shields formed an impenetrable barrier. Grenades were thrown and easily dodged. Klaus continued to run.His heavy armour pushed itself to it's limits, crushing the moss and grass beneath him. He stumbled and slipped on a small mud puddle, only to catch himself with his other leg. He knew that a single misstep meant his death. He kept firing blindly behind himself, hoping for a lucky shot. It didn't happen. The dark planet was illuminated with gunfire, explosions and quick green lasers cutting through the cold air. Kaiser Klaus reached a rock face, and stopped. He was trapped and his enemy was closing in on him. Klaus drew his katana from his back and turned to face Byron.

Then I added this about Byron, both his thoughts and the anime type fight:

Byron was angry, but he was also happy. Beneath his visor was a smiling face wrinkled by dimples and crow's feet. The man who had killed millions of his people, including his father was right in front of him, and powerless. All the suffering and sacrifices would soon be worth it, even if he would never see his home again.

Byron saw the Kaiser turn his body sideways. "I'm afraid you can't dodge this!" he shouted with glee, and he countered Klaus' sidestep with a sideswipe. His nova sword went outward from his body and he closed in for the kill. With no where to run back to, Klaus couldn't dodge a slash from Byron's giant weapon. If anything, more of Klaus' body would be boiled and cut in his current stance.

[Quantumsurfer]

Very cool, rounds it out much better.

[Silverdream]

"Klaus, prepare to be teleported. It won't be long until they've found us." said Levi. "Until who's found us?" asked Klaus. Both of their bodies flashed with green light, and Klaus found himself in a teleportation room. The floor was marked with dark circles, much like a glass stovetop, where each soldier was seperated. Klaus turned to the left towards Levi, and his vision became blurry. He moved too fast after a teleportation. "Hold on" he said, stumbling. "Explain yourself before you take me and my men captive." Klaus raised his sword to Levi's neck.

"I suppose that's fair, but much has happened. I don't know where to begin." Levi attempted to gently push the sword away from his throat, but Klaus held firm. His eyebrows wrinkled his forehead and made his scar more visible.

"What year is it? Where are we? What is Steins:Gate?" Klaus asked.

"It's the year 300 A.D., or Akkadian Dominion. About five hundred years from where you came from. Many different events lead to Space Nazis becoming the most powerful party within the Akkadian Dominion. The Venetian purges, Blue Monday, the Trattorian Singularity, destruction of Space Poland. I'll have our bio-computer explain it to you." Levi sighed. "Steins;Gate refers to the best possible timeline, preferably one without so much racism. One where people can live, fight and die freely, no matter what ethnicity or creed they are. Unless you're a peach I mean, they're a bunch of traitorous bastards." Levi's visor opened and he spat on the floor. "As for where we are, we're en route to one of our Israels. Stealth planets that exist in subspace whe-" An alarm sounded, cutting Levi off. Klaus lowered his sword. "I'll accept a better explanation later. For now, it looks like we're in trouble."