[BF23] The Retreat

[Dienekes22]

The bunker, broken at last, was destroyed in a fireball that soared over the tops of the trees. Terrorkhan and Brootalz dueled in the ruins, seeking the best position to pursue the wounded Skion troops that fled the fallen defenses. Among them was Elyana Remade, wielding her laser staff with efficiency even as the tree limbs snapped and dirt erupted from enemy fire. Black, wicked smoke twirled through the limbs. The forest was afire and full of foes.

The core they had fought so fiercely to protect was cradled in the arms of a Devastator captain. He didn’t take his eyes off it as he ran, and Elyana could see the man struggled mightily to keep its power under control. How much longer could he last? One of the captain’s subordinates was screaming for reinforcements and air support, arguing with Battlefield Control.

“We have high value personnel and material! We— No! I just said high value! We cannot wait!” his voice bled from his helmet, competing with his own pistol fire to be heard.

Resources were slim, already. The enemy had found them too fast. A million battleships could burn out their engines and none would arrive in time. Elyana steered the dwindling troops into the thickest smoke. She stoked it further with her magik, obscuring them for a moment.

“Ma’am! Ma’am!” the Devastator shouted, punching Elyana in the shoulder to get her attention. “There’s a strike fighter in the air, they’re coming to pick you two up!”

“Who?” Elyana asked.

“You and the captain! With the core!”

Elyana didn’t need to ask about the dozen or so others around her. She, and they, knew what fate was waiting for them. Still, they slid between the trees and met the enemy’s fire with their own. She reactivated her comm link and heard the Devastator argue further.

“Just dump it on us! Who fucking cares!”

“Affirmative,” the voice of Battlefield Control said calmly. “We have a read on your location. Expect ordnance imminently.”

“Get down!” Elyana shouted.

It took only seconds for the first concussions to shake the earth. The sky rained with shells, pulverizing the forest, the shrapnel cutting through the troops as they dove for shelter and crawled into the muck to try and escape it. The cacophony of violence drowned everything out, and Elyana was left deafened and blinded amidst a sea of dirt and fire. The Devastator was punching at her back, his voice lost. He tried to compensate by screaming louder, though Elyana could hear nothing.

A new series of concussions shook the ground, tracing a wide arc through the trees, and Elyana recognized it as the guns on a strike fighter. She sat up and saw a small group of them engaging the forest around her and escorting a transport craft. It swooped low, visibly battered, toward Elyana and her huddled troops. She jumped toward it, tugging at the bodies around her in search of the Devastator captain. She found him, still cradling the core, underneath the upended roots of a once-great tree.

“Come on,” she shouted, reaching out to help him to his feet.

The captain wearily looked up at her and now she saw he could no longer endure. The core pulsed with blue light in his arms, the soft tendrils leaking out of his armor plating. When she saw it beam from behind his eyes she knew what he knew. The captain seemed to give a small shrug before he vanished in a plume of energy. His armor exploded outward in a torrent of gore and metal. The core remained in place, sizzling, when the light faded. Elyana, with no other choice, grabbed it and then jumped into the transport, expecting the others to be doing the same. Instead, as she landed, the craft soared into the sky without another soul on board. The doors closed just as the strike fighters broke off their engagement to escort her and the retreating troops were left to the devices of their enemies.

“Where are we going?” Elyana asked, exasperated, before she could catch her breath. She kept her attention toward the ground, where she thought the troops might still be holding out. She

“Not far,” a gruff voice answered, “we’re about to cede air superiority until the fleets can arrive and take it back.”

Elyana whirled around and found that she wasn’t alone in the transport at all. Leaning against the opposite wall was a soldier she didn’t know. His visor was down, painted with a black set of teeth. He spoke through a tactical mask, further roughening his voice. One of his arms glowed faintly, a translucent magikal replacement.

“You’ll drop me off so I can keep hoofing it to some city called Nova Eternia,” he continued. “It’s currently under siege, but that’s where they’ll try and get me out.”

“And… just who are you?” Elyana demanded, standing to face him.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, ignoring Elyana’s attitude and extending his hand, “everyone calls me Crash, anyway.”

“If you’re taking the core,” Elyana said as they shook, “what am I supposed to be doing?”

“Ha. That’s the cool part. Dienekes is taking you somewhere,” Crash’s voice betrayed the hint of a smile. “For what purpose I do not know.”

“Impossible. Dienekes is… dead. I saw him duel with Eldon and he fell. Surely, he gave you these orders before the battle began.”

The craft rocked, the booms of the battlefield had grown distant, but still they were not safe.

Crash shrugged. “No, ma’am. I received these orders just minutes ago. Anyway, he said I’m supposed to take the core and send you off with him.”

Elyana wanted to argue, but she was cut off by the pilot.

“We’re touching down in a minute. Zone is warm.”

“This is it,” Crash said, grabbing the core with his magik arm. Light pulsed up his arm from the powerful artifakt, and the interior of the craft seemed to be swimming in reflecting tendrils as if it were underwater. When the craft landed he hopped right out, where a trooper was waiting to hand him a jet pack. “See you around, huh?” He called back to Elyana before jogging out of sight.

The landing site was abuzz with activity. Troops hauled material and weapons across her vision and columns were forming for a march. It was from one such column that a hustling trooper made his way to the transport. The glowing OTC slung behind his pack let Elyana know who he was.

“Dienekes?” She said hesitantly.

“Elyana,” he answered, clambering into the transport, “I’m glad to see you’ve made it. I have someone to introduce you to.”

The transport was already in the air, picking up speed and pulling away from the bounds of gravity. Nearby, the drone of the strike fighter escort rumbled. Elyana wanted to ask questions, to demand their answers and confront Dienekes about this change of assignment. But, with limited options, and the planet fading behind her, she decided to let it be.

“Who am I supposed to meet?” she finally asked.

“A new friend named Bert,” Dienekes said with a grin.

[Scratch]

Concept and Theme -- 8/10
Form -- 8/10
Voice -- 7/10
Style -- 14/20

TIEBREAKER CATEGORY--Presentation -- 10/10

Total 47/60

[lunchboxninja]

Concept and Theme: 7/10
Form: 7/10
Voice: 8/10
Style: 7/10

Presentation: 9/10

Love a good cliffhanger!

[razgriz 25th inf.]

Concept And Theme: 7/10
Form: 8/10
Voice: 8/10
Style: 15/20

Presentation: 10/10

Overall: 48/60

I have two pieces of feedback. The first is that the overall core concept is a bit too... simple? Picking up in the middle of a retreat after a raid definitely feels like a story written to close the action of a Brikwars game, which isn't an inherent fault by any means, but I feel like that was room for a more ambitious story.

With that said, given the story you actually wrote, it was well-written, no doubt about it. The action prose was good, the stakes clear, but this is where my second piece of feedback comes in, which is that I think that despite the action and the clear stakes, I didn't really feel much tension. I think this piece could really have benefitted from another classic wargame trope, holding the area until evac can arrive. Have some named characters with a likeable voice get dusted before the transport can arrive, something like that. We're not given a whole lot of time to feel like anyone is in danger until the danger is all but gone.

All things considered, it was a fun, well-written vignette and it was 100% worth the time to read it.