[BF18] RAGNABLOK RISING

BrikWars fiction in long-prose form. Trigger warning: Walls of text

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Kommander Ken
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[BF18] RAGNABLOK RISING

Post by Kommander Ken » Sat Dec 15, 2018 4:51 pm

“Boss, we’re about tah enter Nehellenium space!”

Grimjaw Gitgrabba stood at the bridge of his personal BAWKS gunship, built specifically to house his hulking metal frame. He gnashed his teeth together in a savage smile and he glanced down at his two lackeys who piloted the ship. They swiveled around in their seats to grin nefariously at their leader who stood behind them peering out at the swirling vortex of superfasthyperspace.
“Good,” he rumbled with a brootish voice, “open a channel to da whole fleet.”

The navigator turned and violently punched a button on his dashboard and a green light started blinking above them. He then climbed off his rickety chair, pulled an intercom wired to one of the walls, then dropped it in Gitgrabba’s outstretched claws. Grimjaw cleared his throat and roared into the device.

“BROOOOTAAAAALLLZZZ! GUESS WHAT YA SCRUBZ? WE’RE ABOUT TA PORT NEHELLENIUM’S BACKDOOR! GET YA SELVES READY FOR DA BIG FITE!”

Grimjaw’s bloodshot yellow eyes lit up as he heard his fleet’s response; hundreds of thousands of Brootal troops roaring in unison aboard thousands of ragtag yet hardy ships. There was so much Brootal energy in the air of the cabin that the battlebawss had to fight the urge to punch a gaping hole through his ship. He had to remind himself that there would be plenty of time to punch holes in things later. If their arrival to Nehellenium went smoothly enough that is.

“Nav,” Grimjaw growled, “still ain’t any bougies on dat panzee-detactor ov yours?”

The navigator peered down at a green radar screen on the dashboard and studied it as deeply as a Brootal could. “Nah boss,” he said, “I fink we mighta got the drop on ‘em.”

“Brootalz don’t go aff ov thinking and assumptions ya scrub,” Grimjaw replied. “Regardless, dat’s why we got da fodder up front. Either way any shite defense we meet’ll be run over in no time.”

“Aye aye boss Grimjaw. What waz our first stop again?”

The battlebawss clicked his teeth impatiently, “whatever fuggin’ planet we come across first. We take it, get some proppa intel on the galaxy’s planets,” he swung his claw arm out to emphasize his last bit of monologuing, and both the pilot and navigator had to duck to avoid getting decapitated. “-and from there we launch attackz all across Nehellenium, till there’s nothing left!”

“Good plan!” nodded the navigator and the pilot as they rose hesitantly back up in their chairs. It wasn’t the first time Grimjaw would’ve killed his navigational krew, accidental or otherwise. Thankfully they were very replaceable.

Before the battlebawss could get mad and say it was a great plan, the BAWKS began to rumble and shake. “Fuggin’ hate this part,” he growled to himself, “brace!” He gripped an iron handle fastened into the ceiling specifically for when superfasthyperspace travel came to an end. The other two broots gripped their respective controls in anticipation. Their blurred surroundings came to an abrupt halt and suddenly they were peering out of their spacescreen at the still image of a looming galaxy.

An instant later, portals of all shapes and sizes ripped open as Grimjaw’s fleet exited superfasthyperspace around his ship. Debris that floated from a small number of the portals indicated that not all of the ships made it out in one piece. On top of that, some of other ships ended up destroyed as the flaming wrecks crashed into them.

It was a hilarious mess.

Had that sort of thing happened to any other fleet of the Brikverse it probably would have been considered a horrible loss of life and resources, but to the Brootalz it was a like a fireworks show. Grimjaw knew the casualties were miniscule compared to the remaining forces he controlled. Even if that wasn’t the case, him and his lackeys laughed anyway. The fleet moved in from the edge of the galaxy and Grimjaw edged closer toward the spacescreen with a clenched fist and an itchy trigger-arm. “Full speed ahead, lads! These Nehellenium panzees need some Brootalizin’!”


~End?~

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Nemoto-Sensei
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Re: [BF18] RAGNABLOK RISING

Post by Nemoto-Sensei » Sat Dec 15, 2018 5:16 pm

Concept and theme - 8
With Ragnablok just around the corner, this makes for a very relevant story. There was also enough backstory included to help us understand what exactly is going on - a Brootal invasion.
Form - 10
Nothing much to say here. A lot of well-written description for a relatively short piece. The story flows well, isn't jagged despite it being a story about Brootals c;
Voice - 9
Hilarious characters. Well done on characterization here. Interesting and thankfully readable dialogue that really helps set the scene.
Style - 18
Everything here is well done. The tone of the Brootal warlord is very clear and funny, the story flows well, the ideas are pretty original. There is a lack of "cerebral and emotional engagement", but I mean what can you expect from a story about space orks? :troll: Well done my friend.

Edit: Forgot to tally up your score. Comes up to a hefty 46.

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ninja_bait
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Re: [BF18] RAGNABLOK RISING

Post by ninja_bait » Sat Dec 15, 2018 6:24 pm

Watch out for those bougies! Like Colette. That guy only eats at Michelin-starred restaurants.
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Darkstorm
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Re: [BF18] RAGNABLOK RISING

Post by Darkstorm » Fri Jan 11, 2019 6:30 pm

C&T: 8. I also thought that the theme was relevant, but I think that more context could have been delightful (more context for the brootalz??) but maybe giving more about the conflict itself.
Form: 10. I feel like I'm copying the previous judge here, but I really don't have any comment about the flow. I thought your exposition and climax fit together nicely.
Voice: 7. While your space ork accent is impeccable, I think that your character could maybe have been slightly more of a round and dynamic character who underwent more of a personal change. Otherwise, I think your Brootalz were great!
Style: 17. cerebrootal engagement? I think the Brootalz aren't capable of that; only thing is that I think there could have been a little bit more meaningful interaction for this category. Your story, however? I thought it was engaging, and I enjoyed it well. Original, appropriately brootally toned, and an appealing piece of writing.

That's a fine 42 for you. Well done!
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Re: [BF18] RAGNABLOK RISING

Post by DayBoost_ » Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:40 pm

Concept and Theme- 8
Form- 7
Voice- 10
Style- 17
Presentation- 7

BROOTALZ

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Re: [BF18] RAGNABLOK RISING

Post by baconquistador » Tue Jan 22, 2019 5:37 pm

Concept/Theme: 8
Leaves a nice feeling of anticipation in the air, like it somehow possibly maybe might tie into upcoming battles... :warhead:
Form: 7
Could've given a little more explanation of where the Brootalz are coming from, but otherwise solid
Voice: 9
Good, consistent use of the Brootal dialect and mannerisms!
Style: 19
BROOOOOOTAAAAALLLLZZ!!!
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Re: [BF18] RAGNABLOK RISING

Post by TheCraigfulOne » Tue Sep 24, 2019 5:28 pm

Fuckin' Brootal! 8)

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