[BF20] - Investigation of Object FI-219184

BrikWars fiction in long-prose form. Trigger warning: Walls of text

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[BF20] - Investigation of Object FI-219184

Post by Archduke » Wed Dec 23, 2020 6:20 pm

Comms chatter sparked through the commander’s helmet, both transports were approaching the point of interest.
A creaking sound echoed through the small vessel’s hull as it banked into a circling pattern around that object.
The inside of the transport was dark, illuminated by a harsh red light as the six fighters calmly, their cloves hands covering their mouths as they issued brief reports and checked through their gear. Despite the commotion, there was an uneasy air of stillness hanging over the entire cabin.
Most of the squad was shivering, some from nerves, others from the fact that it was painfully cold in the transport. These things were designed to be nimble, a heat-dispersal system would make them an easier target, so they had to design the cabin not to overheat. The soldiers hated it anyway.

Griffin, the squad’s comms specialist, held up a tablet displaying a live feed of the object they were now circling.
“FI-219184” he said casually, his voice crackling over the radio, “it’s a religious vessel, went missing about two months ago. That explains those garbled distress signals we got a while back. Nothing seems out of the…” Griffin paused as the view of the derelict ship turned,

“Commander, you’re not gonna believe this.” he said, eyes locked on the screen.

“Try me.” Said the commander.

“There’s a hole right through this thing.” replied Griffin, a hint of surprise in his voice

“Maybe they struck an asteroid or something.” added Marcy, the heavy weapons specialist.

“No,” said Griffin, “This is a perfect hole, straight through the ship, no signs of tearing or anything, the only debris I’m picking up looks to have floated out of the hole after the fact. There do seem to be a few impact sites on the ship, but they look nothing like this thing.”

“Maybe the cult’s god took em.” Cracked Mackerel, one of the scouts. The comment elicited a chuckle from the other scout, Higgins

“This group wasn’t a cult.” said the Commander sternly, “They’ve got temples across the quadrant and we’ve never run into an issue there.”

“They were in contact with a relay station right up until they went dark,” added Griffin, “There was no evidence of anything going wrong.”

A transmission from the other transport crackled over the radio, they were landing on the surface.

“Alright, once Bravo transport is clear, we’re going to ground.” said the commander. The rest of the squad quietly picked up their weapons, there was a quiet hiss as their suits pressurized.
The transport jostled slightly, beginning its landing sequence, The commander readied his rifle. There was an almost deafening whir as the air rushed out of the transport, replaced abruptly with total silence.
“Squad is go!” barked the commander, all six of them standing up.

The scouts were the first onto the surface of the ship, their magnetic boots clamping down to its hull. The commander and Marcy followed next, with Griffin close behind.
Last off the transport was Doss, he was a specialist sent by a security company. Apparently someone with a lot of leverage had insisted he come along.

“Alpha unit, this is Bravo, over.” the message crackled into the commander’s helmet.

“Bravo this is alpha, we have made contact with the vessel and our transport is away, over.” The commander replied,

“Alpha, be advised, vessel interior is depressurized, this mission is going to be considered full EVA, plan accordingly. Over.”

“Thank you, bravo team, I copy, will advise, over,” said the commander.

The squad made their way to an airlock, Griffin quickly setting to work getting it open, his heavy breath fogging up the visor of his helmet.

“Squad, be advised, there’s no air in there,” said the Commander, “If your o2 gauge hits 60%, you’re heading back, no questions.”

The rest of the team affirmed.

“Alpha unit, this is Bravo, we’ve cleared the first sector, no sign of survivors, over.”

“Roger that Bravo, we are just about to enter, over.” replied the commander.

The Commander signalled to the team, quickly rushing inside of the ship. The interior was dark, crates floated around the room, it appeared to be a small hangar. The scouts flashed their lights over the walls.

“We need to split up if we’re going to cover this whole ship with the air we have.” Said the Commander, “Mackerel, Higgins, go ahead and make sure this place is safe, we’ll scan the sector and link up with bravo team.”

The two scouts nodded before sprinting down the corridor, weapons drawn.

“Sir, are we expecting a firefight?” asked Doss, casually running his gloved hand across the airlock wall,

“No,” replied the commander curtly, “The biggest danger is the ship falling apart on us, there doesn’t seem to be abnormal radiation or a reactor leak, but we’ve still got to make sure everything is shut down, and if the structural damage is as severe as Griffin has informed me, we can’t trust it to hold together.

The rest of the team proceeded down the corridor leading away from the airlock, there were several storage rooms and sleeping quarters on either side of the hallway, all of them empty. Objects floated in the dark, things that were once commonplace made strange by the void.

“What happened to everyone? Last reports showed over 200 passengers and 30 crew aboard this ship.” Said Griffin, a hint of concern in his voice.

“They probably all got sucked out when that hole got punched through.” Said the commander, scanning another room with his rifle.”

“I don’t think so,” Replied Marcy, “Not everyone, we should have at least found bodies, besides, if there was enough force to take the whole crew out, more of their stuff should have gone with them.”

“Maybe they abandoned the ship?” suggested Doss

“None of the lifeboats are missing.” said Griffin, “It doesn’t make any sense.”

The four soldiers met back at the end of the corridor, they would have to search the ship’s sanctuary next.

“Bravo team, this is Alpha,” said the commander, we’ve cleared the fourth sector, no sign of survivors, moving on, over.”

“Alpha, this is Bravo, we read you… wait… contact.”

The commander paused, “Get down” he said, the team immediately crouching against the corridor walls. “If there’s shooting, we’re not gonna hear it in the vacuum.”

The commander put his hand against the floor, feeling for vibrations.

“Bravo team, this is alpha, what’s your status, over … bravo team, this is alpha, do you copy, over, bravo, do you copy?”
A worried expression crossed the Commander’s face,
“Mack, Higg, I’ve lost contact with Bravo team, I need you to link up with them, do you copy?”

“This is Higgins commander, I coppy.” a crackly voice replied. “Linking with bravo shortly.”

The squad proceeded into the sanctuary, it was a large room, perfectly circular. A three rings of chairs surrounded a central altar, red banners lined the walls. Piles of ceremonial bones, upheaved by the microgravity floated in loose clusters above the floor.

“I don’t like the look of this place.” Said the Commander, “Griff, any signs of life or can we keep moving.”

“No signs of life sir.” replied Griffin, “but you go on ahead, We might find some clues to what happened in their latest offering.

The other filed out of the sanctuary, pausing in the hallway.
“Stay frosty troopers,” Said the Commander, we’re coming up to the area with the hole next.”

“Sir, what about Bravo team?” asked Doss,

“Not sure,” replied the Commander, “But one way or another, we’ve got to do our job and we’ve only got so much air to do it, so stay on alert.”

“Commander, asked Marcy, “Are those bullet holes?”

The commander looked around, noticing a line of small holes in the wall beside him,

“Those weren’t there when we went into the sanctuary,” the Commander leaned down, “Same caliber and burn pattern we use, probably means we’ve got unfriendlies. Weapons hot Alpha team.”

The commander turned the safety off on his Rifle, the three of them slowly turning the corner, shards of metal floated in the hallway, there was something strange floating at the edge of the hole, it looked like a human body.

“Oh my god, that’s Mack!” cried Marcy in shock.

The three stepped closer, weapons drawn.

It was Mackerel, or at least the top half of him. His small intestine dangled out of his chest cavity, a red cloud forming around the wound as his blood boiled. He had been bisected just above the waist.

The commander stepped closer to the fallen scout, arms splayed out beside him, face frozen in terror. The shocked trio took a moment to examine the body, the loss of their comrade slowly donning on them.

“Commander, his gun’s half empty.” said Marcy, “He was shooting at something.”

“Man down.” said the commander anxiously, “Fall back.”

“Doss and Marcy, Get to the airlock and contact the transport, I’m calling off the mission, we need to get out of here now. I’ll get Griff and Higgs.”

The other nodded, sprinting back down the corridor.

The commander rounded the corner back into the sanctuary, Griffin was knelt in front of a loose panel in the wall. He looked up, “Good news commander, I can restart the power to the ship, Bravo can check the security footage from there, then we can shut this whole thing down and go home.

The lights in the sanctuary flickered on, the crimson red of the room feeling no safer than it had in the darkness.

“Higgs, get back here’ we’re pulling out.” said the commander

“HELP ME COMMANDER, PLEASE HELP, HELP, HELP, I’M SCARED.” Screamed Higgs through the radio, an almost inhuman panic running through his voice.

“Higgs, Higgs, come in! What is your position, What’s going on!” the commander shouted, but he was met by only silence

The commander looked down at Griffin, “Mack is dead, probably Higgs now too, we’re calling the mission and getting out of here.”

Griffin shakily pointed upwards.

Out of some horrid primal fear, the Commander could not bring himself to look up, he Grabbed Griffin by the arm and pulled him out of the sanctuary, but Griffin fought back, punching the commander and shoving him into the wall. The Commander felt his oxygen slowly hissing out of its tank, his vision began to blur, He dropped Griffin and ran for the exit, as fast as he could go.
He couldn’t look back

The commander stopped, the door to the airlock room was closed, there was only a small window he could see through, The airlock door was shut and the room was repressurized. Marcy was lying on the floor, the visor of her helmet smashed in. Blood was spilling out of what was left of her face and forming bubbles in the air. Doss stood over her lifeless body, pistol in hand.

“Doss, what is going on?” Roared the commander through his communicator, “Open this door, that is an order!”

“I don’t have to take orders from you!” said Doss, his voice shaking, “You’re not human anymore! I-I-I she, I, they, she wasn’t human either, we thought we knew what we were doing.”

“Open the door Doss, Now!” Yelled the commander

“I’m sorry Sir,” replied Doss, walking over to the control panel, “But if I just need to get my report back to corporate, you’ll have to understand.” He pressed the button to open the airlock doors, only to immediately realize the mistake he had just made.

The air rushed out of the room, sending Doss flying backwards across the room, his helmet connecting with the door as he spiralled, smashing in impact. His flailing body then disappeared into the void.

The commander slumped against the door, his vision going blurry. He felt light headed. He managed to pull himself to a porthole just in time to see the two transports outside crash into one another, a beautiful eruption of fire and metal jetting out from the collision. He knew he didn’t have long left, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to see that thing Griffin had found after all.

Slowly, the commander pulled himself back to the sanctuary, Griffin was sitting in one of the chairs, staring up at the ceiling, the commander sat down next to him, the last of his oxygen dissipating around him.

The room was so still, so quiet.

“It’s all meat commander” said Griffin Softly

“We are controlled by the giants, we are beholden to die.” It sounded almost as if he was crying.

“Dice,” the commander replied, his consciousness beginning to fade, “The plural of die is dice.”

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Re: [BF20] - Investigation of Object FI-219184

Post by Bragallot » Thu Dec 24, 2020 2:59 pm

Got some Dead Space and Event Horizon vibes from this. :tiger:
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Re: [BF20] - Investigation of Object FI-219184

Post by SirZaphod » Tue Jan 05, 2021 9:01 pm

Concept and Theme: 8 Space horror is fun and this story captures it motifs quite nicely. Images of Event Horizon came to mind as I read this story though some parts a little to close which is why I had to deduct 2 point.

Form: 10 I have to be honest this story excels at form. It neatly flows from the introduction of characters to the tragic end without leavening me with the jarring feeling of jumps between scans.

Voice: 7 The dialog is good, the action drew me in, the ending spot on, but the description of the environment are not great.

Style: 14 This is the part that has me divided. On the one hand the characters, actions, and dialog are very well described. And then on the other hand it seemed to be lacking a bit on the environmental descriptions and fallows a little to closely the plot of Event Horizon. At the start I found that it did not establish the setting well for me and I was left piecing it together long after the troops had entered the ship. Also I am not sure why there is two transport at the end other then for them to collide with each other.

final Score: 39 A good short horror story, throughout reading it I kept imaging everything in Lego such as a leg less minifig torso with red snake coming out of it and translucent red studs floating around him.

Tie breaker.
Presentation: 9 Well formatted and easy to read only a few small errors.

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Re: [BF20] - Investigation of Object FI-219184

Post by Gorvoslov » Sat Jan 09, 2021 5:14 pm

Investigation of Object FI-219184
Concept and Theme: 9 - Very meta.
Form: 10 - Keeps moving, I'm a huge sucker for "Something lurking in the dark of space picking us off one by one".
Voice: 9 - Not much to complain about here.
Style: 19 - Great cerebral engagement. Just goes to show you don't need to subvert my expectations to be enjoyable.
Presentation: 7 - A few spots where wording gets awkward.

Total: 47
Total (Tiebreaker): 54

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Re: [BF20] - Investigation of Object FI-219184

Post by RedRover » Sun Feb 21, 2021 6:54 pm

Concept and Theme -- 9
Meta concept, spook theme, great job!

Form -- 8
Flow of events were fine, some of the dialogue and characters jumping in made it hard a times

Voice -- 7
Similar to above, and mostly at the beginning, all the characters jumping in and dialogue seemed a bit scatter in a not so natural way

Style -- 17
Once they got to the ship I found it very engaging

Presentation (tie breaker) --7

Total — 41 + 7 for tiebreaker

Rover Points (redeemable at your nearest Chuck-E-Cheese) -- Duck

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