[BF20] The Underworld

BrikWars fiction in long-prose form. Trigger warning: Walls of text

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Space Bunny
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[BF20] The Underworld

Post by Space Bunny » Mon Jan 04, 2021 7:10 am

This is the introduction to a small side story that is coming in the near future, exploring a crime ridden city. It's not anything amazing, but I've never written one of these, so why not now?

The neon city radiates; signs scatter the metropolis, beaming holographic adverts into the spotless sky; a mist of light hovers above the towers, merging these glistening shows into a kaleidoscopic haze.

A drawn clatter upon the metal fences draw near with a steady pace of footfall.
The alleys lay low in the city; street gangs and marauders take dominion over these underworlds.
A figure ducks through the wired caverns of the back ways; baseball bat in hand, dragging across the plated walls. He approaches, his red leather jacket coming into view. An insignia lays upon the shoulder, a clear indication of his gang.
“No need to fear - come out now, and you won’t get harmed.”
Quivering within a heap of wires, a silhouette of another cowers within. He rests his hand upon his belt, quaking as he pulls out a gun from its holster.

A flame glistens from within a dull, plated room. Crates are scattered around the edges: some half opened, overfilling with odd trinkets, and others providing seating for the company of this ‘camp’. Pipes line the ceiling, interweaving through one another, with the occasional burst of steam from small seams.
A man stumbles in. He holds his chest, oozing with blood.
“Look who finally decided to turn up. The man, the myth, the legend: Karya”, one of them says, perched upon a crate, “Did you get him?”
The blood seeps into the red jacket. He stares blankly back. “No.”
“So what are you doing here?”
Blood drips from the palm of Karya’s hand as he begins to clutch his bat. He lugs it from his side, across the ground, and takes a lunge towards the other.
It smashes into the crate as the other man slides off. He grins at Karya.

“Times are changing, my friend. The youth are in chaos, the underworlds are beginning to arise. We can’t neglect this fact forever”
“I disagree. The enforcers are doing their work to sort out the villainy that plagues our city. It’s only a matter of time until this is behind us”
The two sit back within the spacey white room. Paintings hang upon the walls, elaborating the nature of the room. The desk between the two is covered with documents. A window sits behind the desk, taking up the wall it occupies. The cityscape rolls out past this divide, uncontrolled. The low laying buildings are occasionally pierced with large needles - or what others call towers.
“You know this is going to have consequential impacts that will carry on throughout the next millennia. Somethings coming.”
“What would you suggest then.”
“At least bring this up to the rest of the council; this must be known!”
“I can’t do that. There are far more important matters at hand”
“This is -”
He stops. The door slides open. For a minute, silence, until two small drones (compiled of an eye, many sensors, and a small armament) sweep through the frame. Their eyes glow a dull azure shade.
“I’d advise you leave.”

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Re: [BF20] The Underworld

Post by Gorvoslov » Sat Jan 09, 2021 5:12 pm

The Underworld
Concept and Theme: 9 - Solid intro of a new "world" for chaos opportunities.
Form: 9 - Covers a decent amount of small interactions, decent pace.
Voice: 6 - The jumps were a bit awkwardly handled.
Style: 17 - Felt a little inconsistent, but overall decent for the cerebral engagement.
Presentation: 7 - Not sure how to describe it, being really subjective with some parts just feel odd in the way they're laid out.

Total: 41
Total (Tiebreaker): 48

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Re: [BF20] The Underworld

Post by SirZaphod » Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:11 am

I am glad you decided to write an entry though I wish it were longer.

Concepts and theme: 9 it is a solid concept crime ridden noir city and the man who lives in it.

Form: 8 At first the paragraph brakes were jarring but when I got to the third the noir styling with implied missing section clicked in.

Voice: 5 This story has a good base but cuts short and never develops a charter or direction.

Style: 9 I found the story lacking. It feels more like a trailer and I was left asking who is this man, why is he here, and what drives him to do what he does.

Total: 31
Presentation: 8

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Re: [BF20] The Underworld

Post by RedRover » Sun Feb 21, 2021 8:03 pm

Concept and Theme -- 9
I am a sucker of cyberpunk shit

Form -- 7
I think if /when this gets more developed this will be a lot less choppy

Voice -- 7
This kinda bleeds into form for me, however, with how quick it was it did leave me wanting to know more

Style -- 15
Again, if this was a bit more fleshed out this number would be higher

Presentation (tie breaker) -- 8
I don't see anything too blaring

Total --40 + 8 for tie breaker

Rover Points (redeemable at your nearest Chuck-E-Cheese) -- Red Gang Red Gang

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