Why characters with no respect for the fourth wall are a bad idea

[Gorvoslov]

Previously: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=18602&sid=aacdff47a ... 60ec3bffca

Sailing in the boat, Boris looked at the note he had recovered from the prison, and the charts that had been prepared for him. Again. Because this had happened like fifty thousand times off-screen. Just trust me on this.

First, it had led him to a coastal village mostly inhabited by criminals and outcasts. On the outside, it seemed completely typical. Apparently it was common for people to either escape to it or wind up there after being released from prison. Oddly, it had some vegetation instead of just being a bunch sand surrounded by moisture farms. A good number of half-orcs in particular had found their way there recently. It made a great spot for some of the fellow escapees to leave the ship, and for some half-orcs to join the crew. Certainly worth returning to some day in the future when the filming schedule would allow it to be shown on screen as the place of whacky pirate adventures or battles with Redcoats and Bluecoats or something. Might have to move it to another continent for that though, but that's why it's off screen: even less reason to ever expect anything remotely consistent.

Second, they made contact with a couple of the orc tribes living in the jungle… I guess… I've never really been happy with how to time this part. Here, Boris got confirmation that his tribe had been almost entirely wiped out. Rumours swirled about a soothsayer from his tribe still living, and tales of the bravery of the warriors in a hopeless final stand were going around. Apparently the humans who defeated them made certain the tales spread. Unless I decide to go with Boris getting a memory crystal of the final duel of his chief vs Roland. To be honest, making a tribute for chief is the initial adventure hook for Boris and little more so I don't even remember the chief's name, I would have to go look it up again… Ah, Bolzolog. I think I just kind of mashed the keyboard for that one. Tthe memory crystal thing would let me do that hopeless orc battle on screen… but that also might make it to similar to the Fall of Drekeen… What can I say, I'm a sucker for hopeless last stands… Ah well, maybe it’ll get shown at some point, maybe not. Where were we again? Oh right, on a boat reading a letter while sailing to distant lands unknown. The important part of this rambly paragraph is vague stuff about things involving the orcs of the jungle being a future thing.

Third, they set out on open ocean, following the charts they hit a heavily wooded peninsula, where they left some to begin setting up a colony. It was a bit exposed, but had good timber. This is kind of the off-screen colony developing that is totally not going to have all kinds of violent troubles later while still managing to be a major asset. If you thought the timeframe was inconsistent before, oh boy have I got an inconsistency for you!

And now, they were nearing the fourth and final place the charts were leading him. Hawthorne had heard rumours of this place, a massive island chain, many of them inhabited by orcs, and the orcs seemingly had maintained their naval capacity far more than the mainland during the mystery sea monster era of "Look, most people are only just getting boats again and I will totally do the soap of what the Vikings that have yet to appear on screen did to solve the sea monster problem because it will be super awesome of a way to introduce them as one of the handful.of major naval powers, okay?". This place was simply referred to as The Orcipelago because so far all approaches had been rebuffed by orc warships. To be fair, there were only like four attempts to actually approach the islands like eight years ago and then the mainlanders decided to go elsewhere for their seafaring adventures because "getting attacked by angry orc warships" is generally considered "middling to poor" for sailing conditions. Nobody really knew much about the area then, and certainly they know less now, they could have even traded in their boats for mystery boxes! Mind you, they COULD find out more by using Scrying Magic, but Wizards are notoriously lazy and apathetic about that sort of thing, instead preferring to send hapless adventurers to their doom to find it out. Or because plot says scrying spells don't work. The reason for not knowing things isn't relevant to Boris, he's following the story line railroad he is on and the storyline railroad says he basically has a name and knows it had orcs and warships several years ago, both of which he wants.

Rant about convenient plot devices malfunctioning complete, back to how the letter had mostly focussed on this area. Specifically with a lot of warnings about how dangerous it would be here. It almost felt like an apology for sending him there. But, warships were something Boris would need because naval battles are cool. That much was made clear by the parts of the letter that shall not be shown in full ever because I NEED A PLOT DIRECTING DEVICE OKAY? that were not focussed on being quest markers but instead lore dumps. There's trouble brewing, trouble that was concerning to Roland. Trouble that Roland (and the author) did not understand. Trouble that Roland lacked the resources to respond to because I said so. Trouble that threatened to basically destroy the world or universe or at least a large enough geographical region to be considered apocalyptic because what else would trouble be in a mid to high fantasy setting oh wait running out of mead that's worse than the soul sucking moon demons blowing up the planet with everyone still on it but this is an orc hero's storyline dwarf storyline(s) are a later plot to pick up so this run on sentence with a severe lack of punctuation is instead all about the quest to get boats for naval battles and heavy metal awesomeness stuff.

The letter had made it clear that Roland was unhappy about what he was doing. How the destruction of Boris' tribe was required to set the correct course of events in motion, because like, Lawful Good hero was kind of starting into "Lawful massacre happy psychopath" territory there... How Boris needed to be forged into becoming a true hero. Not one of the pathetic chiefs that secure their grip on power then let themselves grow fat and weak. Not one of the vainglorious fool's who become so convinced of their own plot armour invincibility before getting a severe case of the "dead from stab wounds". But a real leader. A uniting force. One that could prepare many for a large unknown struggle looming in the future. One that would allow for large orc horde armies to be fielded because orc hordes are cool and that's where this story needs to go to make that happen. Boris must unite all the fractured orc tribes of the world and ensure that his emblem winds up being patterns conveniently already printed on pieces like shields and sails!

Plot device letter barely info dumping aside, Boris was preparing himself for whatever he was going to encounter ahead. They were nearing The Orcipelago. There, he would begin his task of uniting many splintered orc tribes under his leadership to give me a sweet massive orc horde to crush his enemies. He had no idea what he was about to face. Nobody did, not even the author. I mean, they know roughly what's coming, but like, the battle itself is just kind of ridiculous, but the Hellhunt theme fits surprisingly well after reading a bunch on Wikipedia.

"Weren't you originally doing all of this as a series of soaps?" Boris asked the author.
'Yes yes, life got busy and I didn't want to waste precious build time on soaps, so instead we're doing this as a let’s call it “creative writing” exercise that nobody is going to read anyways. I'm working on actually building the battle now that I have a Hellhunt theme and WHY ARE WE EVEN HAVING A CONVERSATION YOU ARE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER I WROTE!!"
"I'm a Bard. Like the great hero of old, Stabface Explosion, I am legally required to put almost all of my effort into destroying the fourth wall. Also, you're the one writing me to be doing this. I literally can't speak unless you write that I am speaking."
"Aahhh!! We're not even providing clarity as to who is speaking anymore!!"
"I don't think that will be difficult for anyone to follow, now go to sleep so you can build me a battlefield tomorrow. Except this part of the conversation is now past tense because you took to long to post it and now it's built. Hurry up and kidnap your friends to make them play violent construction toy battles with you, I've got a hankering for a smackering."
"Right. You need a better catch phrase."
"You wrote it, so you can get me a better one."
"Fine, we will figure it out when we deal with the battle, I’m not even the one running you anyways. I will also need to figure out how I'm setting up the ship naming theme you're going to be following. I really don’t know how to name boat #1, but boat #2 is easy."
"You also haven't figured out how many 1980s era power metal bands you want before switching over to more modern bands."
"WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS! 1980S POWER METAL UNTIL I DO THE RE-DESIGN, THEN YOU GET AN EPIC NAVAL BATTLE AS A SENDOFF FOR THE ORIGINAL DESIGN!"
"You know there's zero chance of the dice doing that. I'm either winning that battle effortlessly, or dying almost immediately when it starts."
"Stop calling me out on having ways I want the story to progress in a setting that is inherently unstable for railroads because the dice are fickle!!"
"Fine, whatever, wrap this one up already, page 68, section 6.5 in the rulebook it says heros only die if they are boring so that when you inevitably get me killed in the next few weeks I can come back. Maybe you'll introduce your QuantumSurfer that way."
"Oh please do. It would be a great way to aggravate him that that is the introduction for me."
"Don't you go giving him any ideas! Both of you stop ganging up on me! Nobody even knows who you are!"

OKAY AUTHOR VOICE AGAIN!! SO ANYWAYS BORIS AND HIS MOTLEY CREW OF WHATEVER IS CONVENIENT NOW AND THE WHINY GHOST OF THE JESTER
"Wait, he didn't get off in pirate town?"
"Nooo, I'm stuck on this ship noooooow because of yooooou"
"I hate you so much for sticking him here."
"I aaallsooooo hate my existeeeence, I know only pain"
"Oh right, jester… he can also break the fourth wall... IS THERE ANYONE IN THIS STORY WHO CAN'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL?"
"HAWTHORNE BREAK FIVE WALLS!"
"Okay, understood…"
"Caaaan we get on with dyyiiiiing alreadyyyyy??? I'm so sad, crying, and a lost soul trapped wandering the open seas on a boooooat"
"Did anyone think to look up naval superstitions about setting sail on an already confirmed to be haunted ship?"
"No."
"Nooooooo"
"SMASH NO!"
"Ah, that was an oversight. Well, just make one up, you're about to pop on-screen for the battle introduction sequence."
"IIIIIT WILLL MAAAAKE YOOOOOU SUMOOOON A CUUUUULT!!"
"The cult is only if I wind up with extra players when it's ready."
"You know I can see your Google history of reading up on naval superstitions, right? And like, all the stuff before that…"
"YOU STAY OUT OF MY SEARCH HISTORY!"
"Whaaaaats thiiiis abooooout looooost soooooouls??? Iiiiiim a looooost soooooul!!"
"Indeed you are."
"I swear, if you threw him onboard just to have him try to summon a kraken at me, I'm going to be so mad."
"Oh please, you're like level 2 or something, I wouldn't do that. Anyway, look at that, you have arrived at your destination and are about to have on screen shenanigans occuring!!"
"FINALLY!" said everyone. Especially the author.