In all life pangs thirst. For this dry thirst, bring forth a six pack. For the greed this brings, construct a fountain. From this gluttony, draw power. Time and tribulation shall dry those waters; but the grit of the flavoring will stain history in perpetuity.
Thusly it was been written in the Throwback Formulas, in the scroll of Ibn Khaldewn. In our century, The Almighty Benny Gesserit, right as glittering green rain, has whisked our people gently to a fountain of our own. Few enemies are left to stand between our racks of refine-o-rays and the nectars we seek; hardly do they qualify as rivals. We send out our Sour-Dew-Kar to knock down the opposition; yet it is my fear that we shall find ourselves flavorless.
Yes, cheers and jeers erupt; the fizz of this crowd comes as no great shock to me. Be seated - be seated! You may find in my words the sour taste of opinion, but is not its basis in sweetest truth? The bitter hordes of Maniac Beer are no match for the zeal of our forces; we know our enemies by now to be watered-down, minds as cloudy as their ferment.
Where do we draw our power from, when the enemy is merely a pull-tab on a can of false fulfillment?
Khaldewn's words snap like the crack of such a pull-tab, echoing out in our cathedral still. We must draw power from our gluttony! Our empire instead grows fat. The Baja Gesserit, most caffeinated daughters of our Almighty, bring religion to the thirsty, true; but are we not ourselves malnourished? Where will you sit at this time next week; resting lazily upon the trundling back of a Dew Collector? In a chapel, calling out to the liquid God, when you could yet be brewing new flavors, new spices? Consider the cocktail; is not a bitter liquor twice as sweet? In a flabby world of drink, needn't we cultivate dessert power, lest our enemies beat us to a healthier diet?
Kneel NOT at the throne of The Almighty Benny Gesserit! He who has brought us prosperity shall accelerate our ruin! Diet soda quenches thirst - but our monopoly, our ever-churning mixer of greed and gluttony, has burdened us all with Diet Life! And though the taste of this bounty is truly strong, I know what you howling hordes refuse to hear:
Such leaders contain chemicals known by the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects and/or reproductive harm.
I see you now, in the pews, restless, shouting! But you cannot shout over the voice of a Prophet. To the freezer, to those cold calls for death you rush - but as Khaldewn wrote, the grit of my flavoring stains your bloodied hands!
Fuck! Guh - shit -
It is known to the Baja Gesserit that at this point, most reverent Chughog Thirst Kwencher was slain, stoned to death with frozen cans of the Nectar. Read between his words cautiously, but take home the truths he was slain for speaking: let not our Almighty be a mere waiter, delivering us our daily feed, but let Him stand as an example. May we all rise with the strength of our Almighty Benny, and still, with the zeal of Thirst Kwencher - standing as Mountains upon which we may gather Dew.
