[BF24] My Little WORLD ORDER Bot Can't Be This Cute!

[ooyama1997]

The distant stars of the Brikverse flickered faintly, but the air inside the Green Orange fortress—an impossibly massive structure that loomed in space like a gleaming Death Star—was thick with the hum of malevolent power. Built by the Inbit, a mysterious alien race from the distant planet Optera, this fortress was the heart of their expansionist rule. No one dared approach it. That is, until today.

Through the warp of dimensional space, a lone World Order Bot (WOB) emerged. Its sleek, armored form shimmered with cold, gleaming metal, resembling a distant and lonely soldier lost in the vastness of time. It arrived in Green Orange through a portal that rippled into existence like the swirling mystic symbols of Doctor Strange’s spells, only this portal had a singular purpose—to deliver the WOB to the heart of the fortress.

The bot’s mission was clear: infiltrate Green Orange, plant the Space/Time Oscillation Bomb, and then retreat to safety. It was a one-way mission, a test of precision and stealth. The Armored Response Corps (ARC) on Daikon had given it no other choice. A bomb of this magnitude, capable of destabilizing the fabric of space-time itself, could only be handled by the precise hands of a lone soldier.

Inside Green Orange, the WOB glided silently through the hallways, its artificial intelligence calculating every step, reading the fortress’s defenses, and bypassing them with flawless efficiency. This fortress, so utterly filled with the Inbit and their uncanny technology, would be its last challenge.

At the core of Green Orange, the WOB found its target—the central chamber, where the Oscillation Bomb waited, already primed and ready to alter the course of reality. A deep, menacing hum echoed through the chamber as the bot positioned the bomb in the center, attaching the final components with exacting precision. The detonator, a sophisticated and dangerous device, would be remotely triggered by the one individual who could control it known as Ooyama, an ARC soldier since the formation in B.R. 2021.

Ooyama, unassuming yet resolute, was stationed far from this place, on the front lines of a war he did not entirely understand. The WOB's role was simple: allow Ooyama to set the final fuse, to detonate the bomb that would break the Inbit’s stranglehold over the universe.

But the moment the bomb was in place, something unexpected happened. Inbit soldiers, agile and relentless, swarmed into the core chamber. They had detected the WOB’s presence, their sensors picking up the anomaly in space-time created by the bomb's activation. The WOB fought with all its might, but the Inbit were too many. A hasty escape seemed impossible.

With a sudden flicker, a dimensional portal appeared, and the WOB, battered but unyielding, sent a signal through it. The remote detonator of the bomb was hurled through the portal, just as the Inbit closed in. The remote was sent to ARC Headquarters on Daikon, where the fate of the mission would be sealed by those left behind.

The WOB, now crippled and nearly out of power, had done its part. It collapsed against the cold floor of the fortress, its once-pristine armor now scarred, battered, but unbroken.

This is the story of a lonely soldier boy who wanted to become...

[FEEB]

[Scribonius]

Hmm... title feels a little off?

Concept: 7 Pretty good idea for a story, though it does express a certain amount of futility.

Form: 7 It flows well, has a solid framework, and is easy to follow.

Voice: 5 Narration is okay, though I think it could stand to be fleshed out a little. Doesn't really say much inside, though I have read worse.

Style: 14 Overall, it isn't bad, lays out the story cleanly and the plot is consistent. Could use a little more context, as I mentioned, but that might be the limitations of the format of the challenge. I suspect if you fleshed this out more with some backstory about the Inbit invasion and what else Ooyama is doing, it would fix the issues.

[MadMario]

CONCEPT: 6
FORM: 6
VOICE: 5
STYLE: 10
PRESENTATION: 8

Hmm. Tough one. It´s not really a compelling storyline, and characters are only shortly mentioned or flat. It´s a storyline that has been told many times before, written in a very similar style. Always had the feeling I´ve read that before somewhere.
Though wording and length is good, there´s not really an arc of suspense or a climax, and the title and last sentence don´t really make sense here.

[FEEB]

Concept 7 I like the premise. Generic but tried and true.

Form 4 I like a lot of the imagery (description of the WOB, etc.) but it feels really basic and there's a weird amount of pop culture references (Death Star, Doctor Strange etc)? Based on our interactions before I believe English is your second language; this shows promise if you want to pursue writing as a hobby and get some more practice, read some more literature, etc. these strengths and weaknesses are very common for people starting out

Voice 4 I can follow the simple plot but I didn't know what the fuck was going on in terms of why things were happening. A lot of this is probably because I haven't kept up with your worldbuilding for your setting but generally anything with a bunch of lore should have really clear personal motivations, especially motivations tied to the setting, so that you learn the lore by just following what's happening.

Style 12

I see potential! Not a backhanded compliment but a suggestion to get really into it. Let's see more from you!