taken out so turnitin.com doesn't think i plagiarize myself >_>
thanks for the reviews
Latent Poison (RD)
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pesgores
- The Dear Leader
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I was going to read it, thinking it only had a paragraph, and then scrolled down and saw lots of paragraphs.
I would read it, though I don't have much time right now. Maybe later.
I would read it, though I don't have much time right now. Maybe later.
"You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun, that you can with just a kind word." - Al Capone
My official post number 1000 was "The whole battle?"
My official post number 1000 was "The whole battle?"
Wow, great critique pesgores. The amount of times you see revues about shows or books that go...
"Ah well, I would have read/watched it but I couldn't be arse quite frankly. Stayed home and played navel fluff hockey instead..."
Or
"It's a bit long."
vulcant13, I'm no expert and you don't know me so not sure you want my constructive criticism but is it meant to read like an old style fem-fatal/gum shoe type novel/movie. If so you need to make it a little grittier IMO, even if they are well to do. Also you don't have to describe everything going on. Allow the reader to assume. The readers imagination will fill in the blanks and it will shorten your writing.
Try...
Hope this helps. Keep up the good work and the more practice the better the results.
"Ah well, I would have read/watched it but I couldn't be arse quite frankly. Stayed home and played navel fluff hockey instead..."
Or
"It's a bit long."
vulcant13, I'm no expert and you don't know me so not sure you want my constructive criticism but is it meant to read like an old style fem-fatal/gum shoe type novel/movie. If so you need to make it a little grittier IMO, even if they are well to do. Also you don't have to describe everything going on. Allow the reader to assume. The readers imagination will fill in the blanks and it will shorten your writing.
The investigator watched curiously as she walked over to the entry table and to her purse. His expression changed to surprise when she pulled a revolver from the confines of her purse.
Try...
...you get the idea.She walked to the table where her purse rested. His expression changed to surprise at the revolver she produced from within.
Hope this helps. Keep up the good work and the more practice the better the results.
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tahthing
- rather undermines the point of ranks.
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- Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2008 7:02 pm
- Location: Sometimes Anti-Social. Always Anti-Fascist.
wow bit long.
make it shorter i really can't be asked to read it.
ill hapily read a large book but on the internet i think diffrent.
make it shorter i really can't be asked to read it.
ill hapily read a large book but on the internet i think diffrent.
"some people are like slinkies there really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs"
"Triangalism! What's the fuckin' point!"
How's that compression ratio?
"Triangalism! What's the fuckin' point!"
How's that compression ratio?
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pesgores
- The Dear Leader
- Posts: 2886
- Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:47 am
- Location: Looking for baseplates
Yep. Just like me.tahthing wrote:wow bit long.
make it shorter i really can't be asked to read it.
ill hapily read a large book but on the internet i think diffrent.
"You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun, that you can with just a kind word." - Al Capone
My official post number 1000 was "The whole battle?"
My official post number 1000 was "The whole battle?"
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RagnarokRose
- u a MILLION wus and only then shall you become the MISTRESS
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- Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2008 7:03 pm
I read it in about two minutes.
-WARNING: SCATHING CRITICISM FOLLOWS-
Seriously? It reads like a cheap reject from a pulp. Doesn't mean it can't be made good though. It needs a bit of fleshing out. Some of the sentences read strangely. It has potential though... if this is a first draft, then the final should be pretty good.
-WARNING: SCATHING CRITICISM FOLLOWS-
Seriously? It reads like a cheap reject from a pulp. Doesn't mean it can't be made good though. It needs a bit of fleshing out. Some of the sentences read strangely. It has potential though... if this is a first draft, then the final should be pretty good.