Menshev: Got a visual sighting of the target, Dmitri, do you read me?
Dmitri: The game’s afoot, my men! Arm all missiles and prepare to fire on my mark. Down dere, do you read me? I vant you to stop and set up those cannons.
”What a fucking madman,” I thought to myself.
”Hauling his idiot cargo, and now I have to set them up. The lunatic’s lost his mind, trying to kill a plushie.”
”Regardless, I did what I was told and began to set up the cannons. They outnumbered and outgunned me, so there was nothing else I could do.”
Dmitri: Menshev, begin firing missiles on your end. We’ll weaken the bastard first and then net it.
Menshev: Roger that, boss.
Sasha: Finally, time to make that plushie bleed!
The helicopters salvo most of their missiles on the plushie. The explosion is mostly absorbed by the pigbeast’s enormous blubbery hide, to little effect.
Menshev: Sasha, start reloading the missile tubes with the spare ones from the crate.
Sasha: Already on it, boss.
”By now, I had finished setting up both cannons.”
“What the hell do you want me to do now?” I yelled.
Dmitri: Fire them! Fire them now!
Dmitri: Fucking pigbeast, it won’t even acknowledge our attacks! The missiles aren’t doing anything!
The two big cannon missiles hit the pigbeast, causing it to squeal slightly.
Dmitri: We hurt it! We can actually hurt it! Menshev, continue laying down fire on de plushie, if it can feel pain it can die!
In the midst of all this, I mounted my bike and prepared for a speedy exit once things started turning south. At best, Dmitri was going to come out of this without any trophies, and with a broken ego.
Dmitri’s chopper launched a net at the pigbeast, to no effect. The pigbeast squeals again, more out of amusement than any actual injury.
Dmitri: Menshev, I need you to do me a favor.
Menshev: Anything, boss.
Dmitri’s chopper tilts a little, slicing into Menshev’s chopper with its rotor blades.
Menshev: Dmitri, you dirty bastard! You’d sacrifice your own men for the thrill of the -
Menshev’s chopper collides with the pigbeast, knocking it aside slightly. A mixture of fuel and unused munitions explode spectacularly.
”I see that even despite Menshev’s sacrifice, the pigbeast still remained unfazed.”
Suddenly, something came flying at Dmitri’s helicopter.
Dmitri: Aw fucking shit, at a time like dis? I thought the birdbeasts had -
”I stood and watched as the eldritch birdbeast collided with Dmitri’s helicopter, pounding both of them into the ground.”
”I surveyed my surroundings - the high-velocity mid-air impact seemed to kill the birdbeast, but the pigbeast was now advancing towards me. I gunned the engine and prepared to turn tail, as I should have done at the beginning of this mad exercise.”
???: Hold it right there. Don’t run - I’ve got this situation under control.
“Who the hell are you?” I ask the figure.
Without answering, the figure leaps into the air towards the pigbeast, swords ready.
The pigbeast squeals as the figure sinks two blades deep into its fatty flesh.
He then backflips off of the pigbeast.
...making a perfect landing in front of it. The pigbeast advances and prepares to devour the stranger.
Deciding otherwise, however, the stranger instead jams his two blades into the pigbeast’s nostrils.
The pigbeast slumping over, the figure turned to face me.
“Who the hell are you?” I asked again, more pointedly.
???: I’m Kazuto Kirigaya, alias Kirito. I’m from BBB IUAO Universe Classification Code Sigma-Aleph-Ayin if that means anything to you, doctor.
lol j/k
