[BF19] The Raid (Part one)

BrikWars fiction in long-prose form. Trigger warning: Walls of text

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Race Bannon
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[BF19] The Raid (Part one)

Post by Race Bannon » Sat Nov 30, 2019 2:11 pm

Greebledotus tells The tale of Twolittle in his second to last book:
"...now regale you with the story of the raid of Powder Monkey Twolittle on Galra itself.

After the miniaturization of the Giant Guardian into the size of a normal minifig; the leadership of the resistance decided on an audacious tactic. They would choose to take the battle to the Galranian home planet.

A volunteer was sought for this purpose in the following way. All of the heroic Minifigs had been called to compete for the honor of leading the raid on Galra.

The space knights were there, and championed by a small, green, and very old master of a sword art utilizing a plasma like rapier to dreaded effect. No less than four generations of "masters" accompanied him, along with a few from separate lineages.

The "Servers" also showed up, led by a grey haired warrior named Shmoosashi, who wielded twin swords smithed by an olden master. They are called Servers because they serve their master in one way; to study the arts of war. They were skilled in all manner of weapons, tactics, and adversaries.

The drivers, led by Fist Rockbone, were also there. Among them, Stump Beefknob, driving an old Mustang. Punt Speedchunk, in a lime green Porsche; with Beat Punchmeat piloting a white one. Their pit crews accompanied them, and their vehicles drew the interest of child giants and awesomely large canine like beasts.

The ninja clans came, led by Robert Hamburger, sporting a black ninja outfit replete with Real Ultimate Power™ nun chucks and Real Ultimate Power™ bo staff. The Green clan was led by Tobias Funke; the Red, by one Brian Unger; who was said to install a mean subwoofer.

Of course, the helots also were there, so many helots. Their reasoning was sound, who better for a sacrifice mission, than those who throw themselves at the enemy at every turn? The helots had elected a fellow by the name of Twolittle, with no particular characteristics that would distinguish him from any other minifig. His rank was Powder Monkey. A rather low rank, even for helot standards. The powder monkey is part of a helot support group. His job, other than die a glorious death, is to carry bombs, ammo, plutonium; you know, the safe stuff, to the champions of the battlefield.

When the competition started, it was quickly seen that what the helots lacked in strength, skill, and weaponry, was overcome with sheer numbers.

As the competition progressed, the Byzantine rule set destroyed the life force of any who chose to play. "To many rules!" was the lament of many a qualified candidate that day. Eventually, the last helot standing was one Powder Monkey Twolittle. (...)

[There is a lacuña in the text here]

Thank you for reading, if you enjoyed part one, please have a look at part two.
Race Bannon

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ninja_bait
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Re: [BF19] The Raid (Part one)

Post by ninja_bait » Mon Jan 06, 2020 2:47 pm

Concept and theme: 8 - This series is very strange to me, but it has a lot of concepts

Form: 6 - The framed narrative is okay, but it's not clear what I did to be forced to listen to Greebledotus.

Style: 6 - This reads like the lore notes of a crazy dungeon master

Voice: 8 - it's unique

Presentation: 7 - it's fine
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Race Bannon
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Re: [BF19] The Raid (Part one)

Post by Race Bannon » Tue Jan 07, 2020 12:15 am

Thanks for the review i laughed out loud:

What did I do to have to listen...

My Brikfic is supposed to read like an old historic text. Greebledotus is my take on the historian Herodotus. I love his prose style. This particular story is based on an incident from world war two. Thanks again for your time. Feel free to ask me about anything i've written.
Race Bannon

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SCUBA diver,
Judo thrower,
Evil mower.

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MadMario
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Re: [BF19] The Raid (Part one)

Post by MadMario » Thu Jan 09, 2020 4:36 pm

Concept and Theme - 7 - Interesting concepts, a little hard to find in
Form - 7 - framework is okay, a little too many paragraphs i think
Voice - 8 - like the style, yet the many introduced characters are only treated superficially
Style - 14 - It´s original, and makes you want to know more about it.
Presentation - 7 - overall good
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Re: [BF19] The Raid (Part one)

Post by TheCraigfulOne » Tue Jan 14, 2020 12:35 pm

Concept and Theme: 8 - Interesting concepts aplenty.
Form: 6 - A good outline, but a little short for my taste, I think the paragraphs could use moar fleshing out.
Voice: 7 - Moar character development plz.
Style: 15 - No shortage of cool ides, but the execution could be longer and more developed.

Presentation: 7 - Some minor errors, but nothing too egregious.

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