Rainbow War II: Jellybean Apocalypse Pt. 2

[stubby]

THUG: Now we're talking.  Ramshackle hovels are like hermit magnets.  They love that shit.  Hey you!  Peasant!  We're looking for old hermits!

PEASANT: No!  Please!  We've already given all the old hermits we can spare!




PEASANT: Whenever anybody talks to these old hermits it's all nonsense riddles and vague prophecies and then some band of misfits is running off on damnfool quests to become Heroes.  Which is great for them, but what about the rest of us?  Because next thing you know, armies and monsters and flying castles are rising up and slaughtering each other, burning down our hovels and raping all the cows -

THUG 2: Hey!!!




THUG 2: No rape jokes!




THUG: Good work, Thug 2.  All right, anyone else want to object, or can we get on with collecting old hermits?




PEASANT 2: There's a mysterious old man who appeared on the outskirts of town a few days ago.  But he's not going to do you any good, nothing he says makes any sense.

THUG: That sounds like exactly what we're looking for.  Maybe we can convince him to prophesize that the VladTron army needs hot tubs to survive.

THUG 2: And daily massages.

THUG 3: And furry conventions.

THUG: What?




THUG: All right, start talking!  How do we find this guy?

PEASANT 2: No one knows!  He just shows up at awkward times!




OLD MAN: I'll be sure to let my engineer know that 90's newspapers are not a good replacement for steel bars in filled cores.

PEASANT 2: See??




THUG: Okay old man, you're coming with us.

OLD MAN: I suppose you could both plan on wearing clothes.


Next: This is it, old man

[Killer Karetsu]

Haha, that dragon got pwned.  

[stubby]

THUG 2: This is it, old man.  Play it smart and nobody gets hurt.  Tell Lord VladTron what he wants to hear, and don't forget the part about the massages.

OLD MAN: If the gene is set to low levels of hair, the person becomes more likely to join a religious group and start talking crap.




LORD VLADTRON: Welcome to my fortress, geezer.  As sometimes happens, I find myself in need of the stupid crap spouted by old people that sounds like complete bullshit at first but later turns out to have been full of prophetic clues and half-assed foreshadowing.  I've got this problem with the Akkadians, you see.

OLD MAN: A good example of LowHi-Tech would be: Using a dell laptop computer as a cricket bat or a canoe paddle.

LORD VLADTRON: The Artifax of Pre-Creation?  Is he insane?  That fool will become so overpowered that he'll end the universe!

OLD MAN: In space... no one can hear your pipes freeze.




OLD MAN: My new badass story. Yesterday I did some programming. I had a broken shader. It was working in the old Unity version but was broken in the new version. I thought it was a problem with Unity, but it wasnt. Seems that the code I had gotten from another user was broken, but the old Unity ignored that, it used the code anyway. Then they fixed their code to be more strict, and correct, so it was now broken. It took me a full 2 hours to find the problem. I moved the Tags line up a couple lines and it worked. Yeah that took 2 hours. I was very happy after I finally saw it working again. Then I had icecream.

LORD VLADTRON: This is madness!




LORD VLADTRON: But if the Artifakt truly can be reached by magic, as you say, then there may be a chance - I have a coven of Magical Girls that I've kept hidden from Piltogg's awareness. Are the legends true? Does the Skully Grail tear open the veil of consciousness and show you the true forces that motivate the hearts and souls of men?

OLD MAN: Wow, some people have high expectations of a "Teaser".  Dude, thats one step below a trailer. Dude! the star fish was pulling dynamite out of his ass!

LORD VLADTRON: Then there's only one thing to do.  Once I have the Grail in my possession, using it to win my armies back from Piltogg's stupid charisma will be only the beginning.


Next: Fire up the witchburners, we've got work to do.

[Keldoclock]

My god, Mike, that is utter genius. Please tell me that you've built a program that searches the forum archive and randomizes Tzanquotes.

[stubby]

LORD VLADTRON: All right you peach monstrosity.  Fire up the witchburners, we've got work to do.

THE SORCERESS: Why Lord VladTron.  You've come all the way to my side of the playset to hear the melodious sound of my voice.

LORD VLADTRON: No I didn't.  




LORD VLADTRON: The Skully Grail is mine for the taking, but I need you and your Magical Girls to open a portal.

THE SORCERESS: Are you sure you're not here for the melodious sound of my voice?

LORD VLADTRON: Yes.

THE SORCERESS: Because it's pretty melodious.

LORD VLADTRON: Nope.




THE SORCERESS: Opening a portal to the Skully Grail sounds ever so difficult.  But it can be managed... for a price.

LORD VLADTRON: Oh god dammit.  Here we go.

THE SORCERESS: In return for granting you the power to win back the hearts of your men, and access to the fundamental forces shaping the universe, I require only... A KISS.




LORD VLADTRON: ***BLLAAARRRFFGGGRRRBBL***

THE SORCERESS: Oh.

LORD VLADTRON: ***BLARGLBARGLBLAAAAARRRFFF**

THE SORCERESS: Oh dear.

LORD VLADTRON: **BLARFGARBL** What in all the rainbow hells is wrong with you!  **BLLUUURRRGH**  Kiss a peach?    That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!

THE SORCERESS: Uh.  Well then.  I guess I'll go get started on that portal.




THE SORCERESS: Oh boo hoo hoo!

JANICE: What's wrong, girl?

THE SORCERESS: Boo hoo hoo!  How will I ever find someone to break this curse when I'm so hideous?

JANICE: Oh honey.  What you need is a jump in the hot tub.




THE SORCERESS: Oh yeah, you're right.  This is much better.  I love what you've done with the eels.

JANICE: Now don't you worry about that VladTron; some men just don't appreciate inner beauty.  But there are other cephalopods in the sea.  Rumor has it he was just talking to a senile old man in the throne room, for instance.

THE SORCERESS: Forget it.  I'm not kissing some old guy.

JANICE: No!  But when VladTron's talking to old guys, it means war is right around the corner.  And then the whole countryside will be crawling with knights and heroes. Maybe even pirates.

THE SORCERESS: Mmm, I do love me some pirates. Hey!  Are these full service eels?

JANICE: We'll just keep things cooking long enough to get one of those dashing knights into seduction range.  In the right lighting he might not even notice your disgusting skin color.  Because ew.

THE SORCERESS: Oh boo hoo hoo!


Next: Meanwhile, in Castle Mocia

[Ben-Jammin]

This is epically ossum. I need to go read the first one.

[DeltaV]

Keep it coming.

[Tzan]

You've dug deep into my post list.
That must have taken a while.

[Natalya]

Well I guess I am okay with peaches if they are trying to become yellow.

[Killer Karetsu]

That's Tzan    

[sjosten]

This is getting even more awesome! And it has a reference to Stonebreakers! If this keeps growing in awesomeness, it might actually overshadow the entirety of 2010.

[IVhorseman]

Oh man, dibs on Janice unless the mysterious purple wizard makes a comeback. I love how often the trog-hut shows up.

[stubby]

Oh man, dibs on Janice unless the mysterious purple wizard makes a comeback. I love how often the trog-hut shows up.

I already have someone in mind for you too.  You're first in line for the army of IVasscus the Monkey.

[Alex]

This is so awesome!     Can't wait for the next part!

[Stormblessed]

Will their be any factions left over that random newbies like me could control?