Once upon a time there was a Tale of Lager. Not this cheap plastic imitation some folks call "maniac," but a pitcher of dark foamy head waiting at a table for 4 friends to arrive. Well...actually...it wasn't really a story at all, either. It was more of a whisper. No...not even a whisper, more like an assumption between our two heroes Rev. and McLovin. Because every time Rev. and McLovin's paths crossed, this assumption of Lager would appear and then disappear in a matter of hours. This, my children, is one of those tales.
Rev. and McLovin sat idly. The rendezvous was over and they sat waiting, waiting for the Smart Phone to tell them they had friends and that Lager would be assumed that evening. Alas, the Smart Phone was dumb, and Rev. and McLovin sat drumming their fingers on an empty dining room table. The drumming continued for some minutes and soon reached the ears of a rabble of bloodthirsty barbarians: the Hii'mboredagain Raiders:
This horde, being much accustomed to flying under the Rev's banner, quickly assembled at his fingertips. A much-startled Rev turned to McLovin:
"Hey, where did these come from? And all on this empty table no less!"
"I have no idea," said McLovin, "but probably the same place THESE came from!" Rev looked down. There was a contingent of Black Falcon and Forestmen allies before McLovin.
...Nor was the table bare any longer but also held a sparse collection of Brik terrain. "Well," said Rev. "Since we are waiting for the assumption of Lager, shall we?!?!" McLovin nodded. There was a flurry of dice-finding, a pouring of peanut dishes, and the table stood ready for a brik-bath in the name of Lager revelry in the evening to come!Turn 1
Turn one is always the boringest turn, and McLovin is cursed with it. He bids the Forestmen forces to advance. The most noticeable advancement is to brave outriders skirting the edge of a tower.
They are brave, yet not too smart; they are assaulted by several minotaurs who surge forward from Rev's left flank. The gore begins (if you are wondering where that riders horse is, McLovin has a bad habit of removing his horses from the battefield. In this game...if you see a gore-pile but no obvious casualty nearby, it is probably a sign of McLovin's disappearing horses)
In the center, Rev's marauders and amazons move up; the chariots and beetle walker on the far right flank hold position.Turn 2
In the center, Forestmen--lead by McLovin's barbarian-vocalist--continue to advance...nothing too exciting until a gallop of hooves and a flash of metal is heard!
Outriders charge and a group of Amazons! However, the forestman quickly learn that a bailing
unit can make galloping horses look foolish!
On the left flank, the still-horsed rider takes a poke at a Minotaur, but the minotaurs of the Hii'mboredagain are strong.
And McLovin draws his first casualty. The Forestmen--known for archery though they are--make a pincushion out of one of the amazons.
Rev's retaliation is swift and comes in the form of giant, armored, sweaty, bull-people. Three minotaurs in total are now embroiled outside of the tower, slaying one of the disappearing horses.
The fourth minotaur peels away from the herd and assaults an archer to death.
And in the back of the lines, a Beetle Turret charges the horsemen who failed their charge against the amazons a turn earlier.
Despite the cordial anticipation of rich, thick lager this game, Rev still has some competitive moves up his sleeves, he repositions his chariots on the right flank to make counter charges easier and force McLovin to make tough decisions...Turn 3
A loud, pained "Moooooo!!!!" is heard across the battlefield!
With spears and bows, the forestmen are able to dispatch two minotaurs! A victory indeed! But the carnage only begins...
A series of charges and archer fire in the center slays two more amazons and the Bestiarius of one of the Beetle Turrets. I should mention now that Hii'mboredagain Scarabs have subjugated half-minds. That means that without a handler they are subject to a bestial frenzy that makes them attack the nearest threatening creation (friend or foe!)
In the wake of such losses, Rev begins to counterattack
The two remaining minotaur slay two forestmen. AND, the minotaur nearest the tower has not moved yet. He, therefore, moves in a straight line...
To crash into a nearby archer. Having used his action, the archer is unable to bail. The resulting crash damage crushes the archer and leaves the minotaur with hardly a scratch.
In the center, things are going poorly; a Beetle Turret attempts to outflank some forestmen archers. Yet, with saved actions, those archers response-fire the driver to death! There are now TWO frenzied Scarabs on the field!
Scarab number one finishes goring a Black Falcon to death...
And the chariots on the right flank finally charge in. You may notice, this charge did very little damage all around
Finally, the Hii'mboredagain's ninja hero decides to jump into (an apparently slain?) Scarab's basket and attempt to fire off the repeater crossbow. To no avail.Turn 4
The failed charge by the Scarab's on the right flank leads to several Hii'mboredagain casualties.
Back in the center of the field, some cavalry finally charge into the block of marauders. Sadly, this is the only cavalry to cause damage. [not pictured] one or two marauders succumb to archer fire! Marauders angry!
Angry inches and marauder counters lead to the outrider's obliteration.
McLovin's oversight also causes one of his knights to be the nearest target for the frenzied Scarab. Said Scarab begins humping the horse.
Overkill charges bring the second chariot and riders into contact with the Black Falcon contingent.
Farther south, Marauders are still angry and have a pillow fight (no damage) with a dehorsed knight.
A minotaur finally mops up the infantry on Rev's left flank...
Meanwhile, the ninja hero decapitates two unlucky souls as the second minotaur impales yet another forestman archer! This turn was indeed a brik-bath for the Hii'mboredagain! They can taste the Lager coming...Turn 5
"For the trees and bandits and stuff!"
At the cry of the Black Falcons, they bring devastation on the Scarab and barbarian facing them. With the exception of a single Bestiarius, McLovin's forces have completely owned the right flank!
Several other Black Falcons careen into a Marauder. However, his resilience knows no bounds. ALL OF THEM WHIFF THEIR ATTACKS, and the marauder slays one in response. This, my children, was the most decisive moment of the game...
McLovin's barbarian-vocalist has her way with a marauder (if by have her way, I mean spills his briks on the ground).
Sensing he is not out of the woods yet (...Forestmen pun
...) Rev commissions his final amazon to snipe the lone Forestman cavalry dude. She looks on, impassive and beautiful.
And remember those discussions about armor being good? The Black Falcon knight has successfully dispatched the two marauders who thought they could take him. Now, mind you, Rev had tried a few brilliant stratagems, like trying to knock the knight over and pushing the knight into the pond (to drown), but each failed spectacularly!
Nevertheless, the marauder who had just withstood three charging Black Falcon spearmen soon stands over their lifeless bodies!
Minotaurs continue their reign of brik-terror, shewing little mercy on archers and the vocalist hero alike.
Pfffft. The impassive amazon strikes again.
And with his movement still un-taken...the lone marauder makes an ominous bee-line for the remaining group of Forestmen archers. At this point, forces on both sides are emaciated and thin...Turn 6
There is an epic pause. McLovin's hero vocalist stares down the towering minotaur foe. Steel flashes, briks drop to the ground. She strikes it. It strikes her. And in the end...
The hero lies still with a massive hoof planted on her chest. She had wounded it, but was unable to bring it to the ground.
The impending marauder finds himself split in twain...
...As McLovin's final 3 archers and 2 spearmen brace for the impact of Rev's final 2 minotaurs, 1 ninja, and 1 amazon...
...a smartphone rings...
...and tells Rev. and McLovin that the Tale of Lager will commence at a tavern 15 minutes from now. The minifigs continue to wait for orders...but they hear none. The house is silent. An eerie creeeeak of the door signals their departure. The Forestmen and Hii'mboredagain are left in this horrific Hellish limbo as their creators disappear into the night to enjoy a pitcher between 4 friends.
And that, my children...
...is Rev's Halloween Hellhunt: Tale of Lager
May you revel in the birthday of brikwars