Eons ago, before recorded time, there existed an idyllic village, where peace and harmony ruled the day, all minifigs were created equal, and MegaBloks and other crappy Lego knock-offs had never even been heard of.
Peaceful! Harmonious! WTF?!?!
Time passed and, as with any Lego society, discord crept in. First the village elders squabbled, then bickered, then outright internecine fighting broke out. Madness gripped the village, and all semblance of order crumbled. All citizens were made to change their underwear every half-hour, and underwear was made to be worn on the outside so the elders could check. Debaucherous parties defiled their sacred halls, extraordinary quantities of libations were consumed, sodomy became as commonplace as a handshake, trianglists and Muslims lived together in peace. It was said that the forces of chaos grew so strong, so unspeakable, that the very form of the lego bricks was corrupted. Whispered tales of defiled plastic spread across the land, then suddenly: Silence. One day, the entire village simply disappeared. It was rumored that the pervasive wickedness grew so great, that a horrible vortex opened, and sucked the entire town down its gaping maw. Stories of the terrible fate of the Lost Village remained only as a cautionary tale of the horrible consequences of excess. That is, until now. When the evil Green Wizard found a way to summon back the horror that is The Lost Village.
I mean, just look at it. It literally breathes evil!
An evil keep squats overseeing the evil ruined church. EEeeevil!
Queen Asstan agonized over the loss of her first born son. Asstan always was a bit of a ruffian, but he was her favorite. She was inconsolable. Only just a few weeks ago, he and a few of his ruffian friends, including that no-good wench he ran off and married without her permission, were heading out to storm some stupid castle or keep or something. Then no word of her son for days and days. She’d feared the worst, and finally when news came of his death, it only made her grief grow. She sent her runners far and wide for word of his demise. How could her son, so strong and virile, be dead? Where was his body? How could this possibly be happening to her? And now her goodfornothing layabout husband had disappeared with a score of their best men-at-arms.Her life was falling apart. Then just this morning, everything changed. A runner returned, gasping for breath, to let her know that only a few hour’s march away, a strange ruined village had appeared, and it was said her son was interred within. She set out immediately with flowers for his grave, accompanied by her best friend Mildred, and a dozen or so of the rabble that remained lazing about the palace these days. At the last minute, chesty Jake, Asstan’s semi-boneriffic younger brother, decided to come along. It was not long before the party came across the forbidding ruins of the Lost Village.
At the ruined gate of Pure Evil!
Nobody was happy about it, but into the village they went
Despite the grim fear that gripped each and every one of them, they entered the Lost Village, and found the grave yard where Asstan lay in final rest. The queen entered to place her flowers on his grave.
The queen gasps as she finds her son's final resting place
Evil stirred within the Lost Village. “Who Dares Disturb My Important Work?” came the booming voice across the loudspeakers that had been hastily installed just before the queen’s arrival. “Be Gone! Or Prepare To Remain FOREVER!”
Dude? WTF happened to the sky and our studio lighting?
The Wizard hadn’t expected company quite this soon, and hastened to finish his awful business. He hurriedly bid his cleaning staff to go teach the intruders a lesson in plastic blood.
Oh, it's ON!
However the Queen’s men were not so easily rattled, and her archers quickly dispatched the shovel-bearing wraith before it could close with them.
Ouch!
The remaining wraith, rattled that his brethren was so ignominiously dispatched, and concerned that he may now have to do twice the amount of cleaning he previously had to, came at the rearguard fiercely. Snicker snack! went the sound of his vorpal broom and he cut deep...
Man. Embarrassing! Killed by a broom!
Before he himself met an untimely end at the hand of the footsoldiers who somewhat tardily rushed to the aide of their remaining archer compatriot. Smack! Look what all those 6s can do to a minifig!
Kill my buddy with a broom will you!?! DIE!!! (AGAIN!!!)
“What’s all this commotion about?” cried the queen, pushing Mildred aside, and rushing to the relative safety of her men.
Oh I'll just surround myself with these big strong minifigs here
The wizard smiled his evil smile. Although he was not pleased that he’d be hiring new cleaning wraiths on the morrow, they had bought him precious time. Time to summon his undead army!
“By the Plastic Gods!” cried the Queen’s men in unison, “WTF!” The ground in the graveyard erupted as untold undead minions burst forth. Wait! What was that? What foul creature appeared to be leading the horde?!?!? ZOMBIE ASSTAN! The Queen’s very own son, returned from the dead, to exact a horrible revenge for the terrible parenting the Queen had inflicted upon him from day one.
HOOOOOLY CRAAAAAAP!
Slash! Slice! Off with her head! Mildred falls to the deadly blades of the demonic creature that once was the fair Asstan.
Oh boy. Bad news for Mildred
Suddenly, when it appeared it couldn’t get worse, the battle is joined! “Bonjour! It is moi, Jean-Louis! I am zee returned undead collecteeble!” cried Zombie Jean-Louis, back to slay those who once were his master.
Sacre bleu! Je suis kicking your ass!
The skeletons crash through the graveyard fence and clash with the Queen’s bodyguards. Blood and bones fly!
Oh the humanity! I can't watch!
Meanwhile, as the Queen’s rearguard had finished off the cleaning staff, they foolishly turned their attention to the graveyard... And unbeknownst to them, the Wizard has sprung a terrible trap! A second squad of zombie hordelings closed in on the group!
It's a TRA-A-AP!
The men fight bravely, but are pushed back against the ruined church. They begin to ascend the flimsy MegaBloks stairs. One by one, the brave Queen’s heroes fall!
Despite some awesome rolling, our heroes are being overwhelmed!
Could this possibly get worse for the Queen? Oh, no! What unspeakable horrors stir within the walls of the ruined catacombs?
Dude, could this get even eviller?
Zombie Asstan squares off against his brother, chesty Jake. Jake looks him squarely in his undead eyes and snarls “You were always a fool! You would never have made a good King! I may be semi-boneriffic, but I am 10 times the lego minifig that you were!” And Asstan unceremoniously hacks off his head. The remaining Queensguard flee up the stairs.
Preparing for their last stand?
Suddenly a massive peal of thunder rips across the battlefield, followed by a sickening shockwave of pure terror, causing a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. The combatants fall silent. Something awful has happened. Some great mishap in the Wizard’s magic has torn a great rend in space and time itself and a horrible, gaping portal to another world has opened just behind the zombies!
Um. This can't be good
No, no, NOOOO! A horde of unclean warriors spills across the portal to blemish the battlefield. Their very presence sends chills down the spine of each and every LEGO warrior. Even the wizard raises and eyebrow in concern. “I’m not sure the forum readers are going to appreciate this” he mumbles to himself, quickly thumbing through his spell book for a canticle of banishment, but knowing full well that his magic may likely be useless in the face of such raw evil. The MegaBloks Warriors have somehow been summoned to do battle, and blood must be shed!
The forces of evil square off against. Er. The forces of other evil
In unison, as if operating under the same brain, the LEGO warriors turn to face the new foe. Jean Louis leaps to the front “You are zee evil! You are not zee welcome in zis battle, eh? I shall be killing you now!” He promptly rolls a one, and is then stomped by the mounted MegaBloks warrior at the head of the horde.
N-n-nasty!
But wait? What’s this? What new evil has arrived, but this time to save the day? The mummy bursts forth from his sepulcher, kicks open the doors of the ruined church, and informs the MegaBlok warriors that their time is up, the goose is cooked, and that it’s high time their maker be met.
Yes, Jean Louis is dead. That's his head bouncing off his shoulders as it tumbles to the ground in this shot
The mummy comes out swinging, and several 6s later, has completely and improbably undone the MegaBlok warrior chieftan, sending both it and its horse to their great reward. To heap insult upon injury (fatality, to be specific) the mummy heroically hefts the corpse and wades into the megablok minions, swinging their one-time-champion this way and that, inflicting grievous harm upon the pack.
Crack! Layin' down the Smack!
BAM! Can this guy do NOTHING but roll 6s?!?
Aghast, the megabloks fall back to the ruined village wall.
Foolish MegaBloks! You are not wanted here!
Dismayed and their morale broken, they plead for mercy. Zombie Asstan shows them the only mercy he knows.
The captain of the MegaBlocks is served his just desserts for daring to rear his ugly, cheap-ass head on the battlefield
The Queen’s heroes, reinvigorated by the site of so much zombie and mega bloks death, charge into battle, finishing off an entire squad of skeletons with glee. Even the Queen has been bitten by the God of War, picking up a shovel and getting busy.
Go gettem boys!
Oh Snap! The mummy is not having any talk of a comeback here, and informs the Queen of this with a sharp blow to, well, her entire body. The Queen is slain!
gross
The remaining forces of the Queen attempt to flee, but as all you forum readers know, that is simply not possible in Brikwars. The undead forces of Zombie Asstan fall upon them with rabid fury, and feast upon them like oleophilic bacteria on so many petroleum products.
It's all over but I don't have a fat lady for to sing
The great Wizard is pleased. He surveys the horrors below.
The aftermath
All hail Zombie Asstan!
