Battle in the Chat: Bacon Edition

[cleanupcrew]

Dr. Piérre: "I have got to get out of this barbaric place- I have had enough with Project Zarathustra, especially after the last test subject."
Bodyguard: "Well, you do have to give them credit for fully reconstructing your face and arms after that incident. Trattorian medicine is a miracle."
Dr. Piérre: "A miracle it is, and through it I hope to establish my future. I stole some papers regarding the cure for the peach virus in my briefcase, and I intend on selling them to the highest bidder in Assyria."


Suddenly, one of the tires deflate.

Driver: "Well, we're fucked."

AN Peacekeepers: MGB

"Halt right there. We find Trattoria guilty of numerous free trade violations, and demand you unhand the peach virus cure over unconditionally."

Deep Space Management + Rei: Scratch

"Imagine the healthy profit we could make selling that cure..."

Bad Piggies

"Oink"

Overview:

[cleanupcrew]

Bad Piggies

"ADVANCE" yells the Piggy Sergeant. The fat, lumbering pigs creep towards their goal.


Meanwhile the space pig aims its laser antenna...


Resulting in multiple crits against an AN Peacekeeper, obliterating him.

[cleanupcrew]

Trattorians

Dr. Piérre: "What are you waiting for, this is what you're getting paid for! Now go!"


One Deep Space Management agent bites the dust.

[cleanupcrew]

Deep Space Management

The DSM troops move up, getting right next to the Trattorian soldiers. Annoyingly, they can't shoot, since they exhausted their action while sprinting.


Meanwhile, Rei attempts an magical-anime-girl sprint feat towards the car, intending to snatch the briefcase...


She crit fails and overestimates the jump, falling into the abyss below the bridge. She can attempt a cloning feat to be brought back next turn.

[Overwatch_Elite]

"The Manga Guide to Linear Algebra"

[cleanupcrew]

AN Peacekeepers

Force Commander: "We need a precision AN-US airstrike in the region. Contact Security Council for approval."


AN Secretary: "Motion approved, deploying precision slingshot-launched missile against the pigs."


Consisting of a crappy amalgamation of several nations' targeting software resulting from an underfunded international effort, the rocket misses its target...


...But it's still enough to kill three piglets and a grunt pig. The sergeant pig heroically eats the box of TNT and survives.

[cleanupcrew]

Bad Piggies

The remaining piglets sprint in an attempt to ram the Trattorians off the bridge. Unforunately, poor rolls only allow them to get off the brown plateau.


The space pig aims his laser antenna...


...and downs the Deep Space Management jetpack trooper. The jetpack is still usable though.


The sergeant pig and his grunt move up as well.

[cleanupcrew]

Trattorians

Dr. Piérre: "I don't trust my life in the hands of these incompetents. Hopefully there's have a nearby military installation to send in some troops."


As Dr. Piérre explains her predicament to a few local base commanders, a bodyguard dispatches the last DSM trooper.

"Well, that should be the last of 'em" a bodyguard announces, before hearing a high-pitched whine characteristic of a VTOL engine.


Deep Space Management reinforcements have arrived!


"We refuse to give up. Unhand the cure to the peach virus to Deep Space Management immediately."

(note: as the reinforcements included the pilots, the ship currently has no pilot)

[cleanupcrew]

Deep Space Management

Rei strides out of the shuttle, whispering "I'm back, motherfuckers."


She then goes back inside, taking the controls and returning the shuttle to hovering mode.


Meanwhile, the new DSM reinforcements form a firing line and barrage the Trattorians.


A lucky shot pierces the tough armor of one of the bodyguards, killing him. The driver also dies, but the scientist protects herself with a shield.

[cleanupcrew]

AN Peacekeepers

The remaining AN Peacekeepers line up and fire.


Again, a lucky shot kills the other Trattorian bodyguard, leaving the scientist with no redshirt.


The diplomat steps forward.

"Dr. Piérre, surely we can both reason together as civilized minifigs. Would it not be in the better interest of the brikverse to release the peach virus cure? We'll even pay you."


Dr. Piérre glared back in contempt. "Not as much recompense as the Assyrians will surely offer. The AN is too underfunded to provide any sum that will satisfy me."

[cleanupcrew]

Bad Piggies

The Sergeant pig summons his magical piggy powers to achieve a feat...


...thus transforming one of the DSM troopers into a minifig-sized bacon slice, distracting all non-piggy units on the field (-1 to skill).


The piglets ram the AN peacekeepers with such force, that they not only disrupt them, but kill them in the process. Only the force commander remains.


The Sergeant pig and his grunt move up, loudly declaring "Oink! Oink!".


The Space Pig aims his lethal lazer antenna once again, this time at the AN force commander.


He crit fails, however, instead turning off his hover ability and thereby shattering his space globe. Although he survived, he is now just a normal piglet.

[cleanupcrew]

Trattorians

Dr. Piérre continued to castigate the base commander for his incompetence.

"You asinine, maladroit worthless waste of carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, sulfur, and other trace elements! Why does it take you military people so long to..."

"Ma'am, I'm afraid that we are..."

"Don't you call me 'ma'am', I'm a doctor!"


In the midst of her ranting, the Trattorian reinforcements finally arrive.

Pilot: "Dr. Piérre, I would like to inform you that this is the only helicopter on base. Please be advised that in the event of its loss, we will be unable to assist you."


Ignoring the communication, Dr. Piérre attempts some field medikal work.

"Ugh, I hate having to work in such an unrefined, unsterile environment with no facilitative technology. Nothing ever works out here!".

[cleanupcrew]

Deep Space Management

Suddenly, Dr. Piérre feels several men gathering around her. She hears one of them picking up the heavy titanium case.

"It's simple, really. Surrender yourself to us, and we won't throw you off the side of this bridge."


Reasoning that the helicopter would rescue her shortly, Dr. Piérre agrees.

"I abhor being handled by you uneducated, ignorant yahoos, however."


Rei expertly pilots the shuttle forwards, before unleashing lasers on the helicopter's propellors to disastrous results.


Careening into the ground in a fireball, the falling helicopter directly hit the AN force commander.

AN eliminated


Finally, Rei lands the shuttle on the bridge, blocking the pigs' access.

[cleanupcrew]

(after a short accident and delay, involving me picking lego pieces out of a trash can)
Bad Piggies


The piggies begin lining up...


The former space pig then sprints off of the platform, transferring his momentum into the chain of pigs, until...


The built-up kinetic energy launches the Sergeant pig onto the car.


The Sergeant then wrestles with the DSM trooper for the briefcase, viciously thrashing with his mouth.


Finally, the pig wins, and proceeds to eat the briefcase.

[cleanupcrew]

Trattorians

One of the fighters lands on the DSM shuttle.


The pilot jumps out, shoving aside the DSM trooper guarding Piérre.

"Fighter Delta-2, destroy this bridge! I'll redshirt for Piérre!"


Delta-2 gets into position...




"Ugh, where am I? At least I'm still alive".

Deep Space Management eliminated