Army of JAM: 8 Years Later...

[Bluefog]

After the Phalek War Domina Trixie left. She hadn't been heard from in eight years. Things were quiet but an unrest grew among the troops. "Why aren't we fighting?" they routinely ask themselves, strangely drawn to battle...


It wasn't all bad, there were 8 years of peace... oh wait, peace sucks...


Comrade JAM had become bored and complacent....





Comrade JAM: All we do is sit around and drink now.

Jonah Hex: So?

Billy: Yeah, I like drinkin'.



Comrade JAM: There's more to life than drinking... like war... or umm... hmmm...


Jonah: He's right. Sittin' aroun' 'ere, we're jus gettin' fat.


Rathead: Comrade, we just received a message from Domina! She's in trouble and sent coordinates.... and she's with your son.


Comrade JAM: My son? I have a son? How dare that woman leave with my son! We must rescue her so I can give her shit.


Jonah: Whoa, congrats man, you a daddy.
Comrade JAM: ...


Jonah Hex: What the hell is on the floor over there?

Comrade JAM: It looks like blood... What the hell?


**Blood drippy, gross noise***



Zarko the Necromancer: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You insignificant fool!

Comrade JAM: What the fuck Zarko?!


Zarko: You are unfit to control an army and once you are dead I'll control your army! *starts chanting indistinguishable mumbo jumbo*


***ZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPP***




****P-P-PP-PPP-PPP-POOOOOFFF!!!****


Zarko: You survive this time JAM.... I shall return!!


Comrade JAM: Shit... what the fuck was that? I need to rescue Domina and then this happens.
Jonah: That there wuz crazy.


Billy Gibbons: You go on and take care of bidness, Comrade, me an' Jonah got the place here. Family first my friend.
Comrade JAM: You're right Billy, thank you.




The good Comrade prepares a force to battle whatever menace has tangled with Domina Trixie.

[Silent-sigfig]

Comrade JAM had become bored and complacent constipated....

FTFY

[Zupponn]

They all just can't go.

[Bluefog]

They have to stay to look after the castle/mansion.



Or it's a plot hole.

[Zupponn]

Comrade JAM had become bored and complacent constipated....

They all just can't go.

it's a plot hole.

Mystery solved.

[Bluefog]

Comrade JAM didn't have to go far to meet Domina Trixie and his son's captors. The Elite Guard spotted a small band of Comrade JAM's old militia marching behind the castle with Zarko the Necromancer in the lead... riding a motorcycle. They had Domina and their son.



Comrade JAM: Okay Zarko, what's your deal? This is how you make your power play? Seriously messing with my family? Turning my own troops against me?


Zarko: They were easy to turn against you. You're pathetic and feeble minded. You picked a fight with one of the most powerful races in the universe.


Comrade JAM: ...and won.


Zarko: Because they wanted you to. You're so easily fooled Comrade JAM. Deception plain and simple. You played their game. It is during this time of your weakness that I make my move and form my own army to be known as Zarko's Horde!


Horde: *cheers loudly*


Double Dragon: KIIIILLLLLL!!


Comrade JAM: Enough of this, return my wife and son!


Domina Trixie: Ex-wife.

Comrade JAM: Nuh uh, I never signed the papers.


Zarko: Bwahahaha... can't even save his marriage and tries to manage an army! Bwaahahaha!!

Horde: HARRAHARRHAARHARHAAHAHARRHAAHAHAAR!!!


Comrade JAM: Shut up and hand them over Zarko, or face my wrath!


Zarko: *revs engine* I do not fear you.
Comrade JAM: What?! You don't hear me?! Turn off the fuckin' motorbike then!
Zarko: BWAAHAHAHAHA!!!


Comrade JAM: RRRRAAAAHHH!!

*whiiifff*


Comrade JAM: COWARD!!! Get back here and face me!! Enough of your evil trickery!


Double Dragon: CHAAAARRRRGE!!
Horde: *howls*


Comrade JAM: Steady troops, take aim and.... FIRE!! FIRE AT WILL!!


Boris n' Bruno: RRRAAAWRR!!






Comrade JAM: Double Dragon, you were a trusted ally. I cannot believe you are doing this...
Double Dragon: RRRRrrrRRRRrrrr...




***BAAAAAAFFFFF!!!****


**RATATATATATATATA---TATATATATATA-TATAT!!***


Domina: Quick, here's our chance... RUN!


Horde: Holy Fuck, let's cheese it dudes!
Comrade JAM: Cowards!! Ungrateful treacherous assholes!!!


Comrade JAM: Are you two alright?


???: We're fine.... Dad... thanks for your help.
Comrade JAM: It's what fathers are for.

[motorhead fan]

this is quite funny and a good read.

[Bluefog]

SWAD Guard 1: Welcome home, sir.
Comrade JAM: Thank you, it's good to be home.


Jonah Hex: Yer back, finally. I got a tally of the total defected troops. Both militias, Double Dragon, Boris n' Bruno. Zarko even managed to turn both our loyal wizards against us... we don't stand a chance.


Comrade JAM: That's where you're wrong, we stand more than a chance. Our chances are really good. Most of my remaining troops have armor and weapons made of a composite blend of Nth metal, which of course nullifies the effects of magic.
Jonah: ...but we had the armor and weapons before we met Zarko.
Comrade JAM: I know, I have never trusted wizards, and always wanted a defense against them. I admit wizards are powerful but I just don't trust them, and I was right, as usual. I knew one day he would turn against me, I was just hoping that I could use his power for a short while.
Jonah: So hey, where's Domina and your son?


Comrade JAM: Well, they chose not to join me at this time, I don't want to talk about it.


Jonah: Fair enough.






An unidentified scout of some sort approached Mansion JAM. The guards posted on the wall radioed those stationed at the gate.


This scout brought important news.


Guard 1: Comrade JAM eagerly awaits your return.
Scout: I bet he does.


Guard 2: Open the gate!


Comrade JAM: Welcome, scout. I have been waiting for your report, why the delay? It's nearly a week overdue! And no communications, no warnings of the impending attack.
Scout: I know Comrade, I am sorry for that, I have troubling news and that was what delayed my return.


Scout: It appears Zarko's Horde has a stronghold not far from here and despite the losses he suffered it appears he has regained the numbers and then some!
Comrade JAM: How does a madman attract so many to him?
Jonah: Them mutants bastards was crazy b'fore all this. Can't train 'em monsters, shoulda jus' takem out to the pasture and put a bullet in b'tween thur eyes.


Comrade JAM: So tell me more, what kind of numbers are we talking?
Scout: Several thousand strong and the reason I was so delayed was because Rathead has sabotaged the communication equipment. He has also defected with Zarko. I could not get a message through and inform you of the attack or that I needed additional time to count the sheer numbers.
Comrade JAM: Damn that Zakro, he's turning out to be a very deadly adversary.

[Bluefog]

Zarko's "Not Too Far Away" HQ.


Zarko: We lost a battle, but the battle was a test. A test of JAM's meager defenses. They are as pathetic as he is. My magic is so strong there is literally nothing that can stop me. An example of my power you ask? In the last battle our dear friend Double Dragon had his heads smashed clean to pieces. With my mighty necrotic blood magic was able to create a powerful flesh golem with his remains. I'd like to introduce 2Skulls. Say hello, 2Skulls.

2Skulls: Hello, 2Skulls.

The horde laughs hysterically.

Zarko: Alright, so he isn't the brightest, but he does follow orders and he is a force to be reckoned with! We shall destroy JAM and lay waste to his mansion.

The horde cheers triumphantly.


Pyron: He appears to be very powerful my lord.


Boris n' Bruno: When do we get to mix it up with that coward Comrade JAM again?

Zarko: Coward? Last I checked it was you and your company that retreated during battle. But let's just move on, shall we?

Boris n' Bruno: ...


Rathead: You sent for me, Zarko?

Zarko: Rathead, yes, I did indeed send for you. Do you know why?

Rathead: To reward my efforts?


Zarko: Yes indeed, to reward your efforts. You have done well my friend, but alas, I can't keep you on.

Rathead: What do you mean?

Zarko: Well, how do I trust you when you betrayed Comrade JAM?

Rathead: You betrayed him too, how do any of us trust you?


Zarko: Yeah, but I'm a wizard, this type of stuff is expected of wizards, especially ones corrupted by black magic.

Rathead: So you're gonna kill me? Well that's shitty.

Zarko: I'm not gonna kill you. 2Skulls is. He's such a good boy.


2Skulls: 2Skulls smash ugly giant rat!




Zarko: Never trust a wizard...


...except me of course. You can trust me. *gins sheepishly*


The horde glance around suspiciously but shrug and cheer for Zarko.

[Bluefog]

Some random Britanians found their way to Enclo3...


Britannian Captain: Alright men, we appear to have been either sent the wrong coordinates or we're lost.


Britannian Officer 1: Sir, this may have bee dangerous.
Brittanian Captain: What makes you say that?
Britannian Soldier 1: That evil looking wizard and horde of mutants rushing towards us.


Brttannian Captain: Nonsense, he merely wishes to assist us. None would be so bold as to defy the Brittanian League.
Britannian Soldier: Uhhmm...


Zarko: Your arrogance is astonishing, Captain.


Britannian Captain: Who the devil are you? You dare challenge the Britannians?
Zarko: I'm Zarko the Necromancer, this is my horde. I intercepted some Britannian intelligence and I know you have some valuable information because of the delicate mission you were sent on.
Britannian Captain: I'm afraid you have been misinformed, Zarko... is that what you said your name was?


Zarko: Well of course you'll never admit to it but that doesn't matter, I know you know. I intend to hold you for ransom. So drop your weapons. I'm sure the Britannian League will pay handsomely for you and the information you have.
Britannian Captain: You scoundrel! You swine! You scum! The Britannian League does not negotiate with terrorists!
Zarko: Shut up and tell your soldiers to drop their weapons or I'll kill you all where you stand, you pompous Britannian douche.


Comrade JAM: Zarko! Leave the Britannians alone! If I have to destroy you I will.
Zarko: You haven't yet.


Comrade JAM: Your cowardly magic seems to keep you just out of reach but even you couldn't pull this off. These raptors will tear your men to shreds.


Britannian Captain: Finally an upstanding young man, surely allied with the Britannian League!


Zarko: Comrade JAM, your time will come, mark my words!
Comrade JAM: Everyone's time will come... unless you're Immortal... or allied with them. *wink*


Zarko: You only win the battle, JAM only the battle...
Zarko's Apprentice giggles creepily.


Zarko: 2Skulls, withdraw, come hither!



*crackle crackle*

B-B-BLLLAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-OOOO!!!!!!


Warhead: WHAT THE FUUUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!
Everyone: ...
Warhead: SOMEONE MOTHERFUCKING SAY SOMETHING!


Warhead: YOU'RE ZARKO RIGHT? LET'S SEE WHATCHA GOT... BITCH.


Zarko: 2Skulls, knock his head off!


2Skulls: 2Skulls SMASH!!


Warhead: REALLY...


Warhead: SHOULD...


Warhead: KNOW WHO...


Warhead: YOU'RE FUCKING WITH...


Warhead: BEFORE YOU FUCK WITH THEM!!!

Zarko and horde cheese it like scared little babies.


Warhead: PLEASED TO MEET YOU, COMRADE JAM.
Comrade JAM: Likewise, but I'm standing right here for christ sake.
Warhead: THIS IS HOW I TALK, I'M TOO BADASS NOT TO YELL ALL THE GODDAMN TIME!


Warhead: THAT ZARKO SURE IS A LITTLE BITCH.
Comrade JAM: He sure is.


Warhead: ...AND AS FOR YOU, BRITANNIAN... WHAT NEWS HAVE YOU?
Britannian Captain: Forgive me lord Warhead, I know not of what you speak....

--------

END

[Warhead]

THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!