Battle in the Chat: Battle for the Immortal Hard Drive

[cleanupcrew]

The Britannians are going along minding their own business on some planet in the Indigo Colonies.


One of the soldiers is transporting a laptop with Immortal intelligence. The actual contents are classified or some shit like that, but probably important.


USA Soldiers: In the name of the Anti-Immortal Alliance, we must seize that hard drive to help our war effort.


Space Mafia Rei Cosplayer: We must seize that hard drive so we can sell it for the highest bidder and make money.


Bavarians: The Third Alliance is probably involved with the Immortal War somehow.

Overview:


Factions:
USA (The Shadowscythe) (Anti-Immortal)
Britannian League (Ham701) (Pro-Immortal)
Space Mafia (Scratch) (Third Alliance)
Bavaria (Colette) (Third Alliance)

[cleanupcrew]

USA

The USA forces begin to move behind the Bavarians and hold their fire to respond to any attacks.

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Britannia:

The troops move up and fire on the Bavarians. One guy crit-fails, and the giant size-6 steam-gatling misses the hovercar.


Two Bavarian troops bite the dust. First blood!

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Space Mafia:

The Space Mafia forces thunder towards the Britannians, guns and missiles blazing.


The combined fire on the Knightmare's leg is too much, bringing the mech down. The residual explosion from the missile also takes out three Britannian troops.


Rei cosplayer attempts a heroic ghost girl feat to have a ghost clone appear behind the Britannian hero and scare him, disrupting him for one turn.


It's a crit success and the Brit hero is disrupted for a turn (just pretend the ghost is a creepy, floating naked Rei that turns you to orange Tang I guess).

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Bavarians:

The remaining Bavarians throw their fallen comrades overboard and regroup. One takes the driver's controls while the other mans the turret.


The Bavarian hovercar rams the Britannian Knightmare and combines fire from its turret, destroying an arm. Also the Britannian hero failed his redshirt roll and got run over.

[cleanupcrew]

USA:

The USA troops clamber on top of the tank for a quick ride (the glare is from the amount of FREEDOM they're emitting).


The troopers combine fire on the Bavarians while the USA tank activates its FREEDOM BEAM.


The Bavarians are utterly destroyed and, to top insult to injury, the hovercar sustains 4 size points of damage.

Bavarians eliminated.


The USA hero enters the running for G.R. 2015's Violence Against Women award with a swing of his OTC and seizes the hard drive.

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Britannians:

The downed Britannian Knightmare retrieves its sword and prepares to strike...


However, it misses the small USA hero with such a large weapon.

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Space Mafia:

The Space Mafia car fires a missile on the USA tank.


It misses by 4 inches and explodes harmlessly.


The other mafia units fire on the USA hero, but his armor holds. Rei attempts a feat to turn the hero's OTC into tang, but crit-fails.


The USA hero attempts his own counter-feat of dropping his trousers and seducing the Rei cosplayer with the size of his FREEDOM. It succeeds.


It then combines with Rei's crit-fail to result in tang lube. Stuff happens.

Disclaimer: A good host follows the orders his players give him. Content in chat/forum battles do not necessarily reflect the views or endorsements of their hosts.

[cleanupcrew]

USA:

The USA troops fire on the Space Mafia biker while the tank fires the FREEDOM BEAM at the hovercar.


The motorcycle and its rider are destroyed while the hovercar sustains one point of size damage.


The USA hero "fuck her so hard her head asplode" (quoted from order).

USA Hero: Doesn't matter, had freedom.

EDIT:

<Scrap>: plot twist: the rei cosplayer was actually a guy

KANON CONFIRMED.

[Silent-sigfig]

[cleanupcrew]

Britannians:

The Britannian Knightmare rolls over and hits its sword against the Space Mafia hovercar, knocking off two more size points.

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Space Mafia:

The hovercar shoots and runs over the USA hero, who crit-fails his redshirt roll. The hero lets go of the hard drive as he dies.

USA Hero: Doesn't matter, had freedom.

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USA:

A USA trooper picks up the hard drive.


All USA assets then fire on the mafia hovercar.


The heavy fire whittles the hovercar down to its last size point.

[The Shadowscythe]

<colette>: you have to admit, the whole USA x Space Mafia thing has been very distracting
<ham>: swing the sword around violently and kill any shit in the way
<theshadowscythe>: you'll never think of FREEDOM the same way ever again . . .
<colette>: if freedom means what it did in this battle
<colette>: I think I want to live in North Korea

Quoted for lulz.

[cleanupcrew]

Britannians:

The Britannian Knightmare swings its sword, destroying the hovercar and killing the pilot.

Space Mafia eliminated.