Battle in the Chat: Battle of Planet New Orleans

[cleanupcrew]

High Orbit of Planet New Orleans, Louisiana, United Systems Alliance


The Border Guard defense fleet for New Orleans lingers over the planet, expecting another routine and uneventful day.

Onboard the USS Alabama


Admiral White puffed his cigar, idly fantasizing about some anime girls he had seen on TV a few days ago out of a lack of anything better to do.


Marine: Admiral, you're going to want to see this!
Admiral White: Hwat in tarnashun could possibly be waaay down? Can't ya' see I'm bus-
Marine: Unknown warp signatures inbound!


Admiral Snider: Impossible, right on! Somebody must gots' disabled o' hijacked da damn early warnin' stashuns. But who in brikthulhu's dojigga' could it be?



Onboard the INF Gomorrah


The Accountant: At last, it begins! The Immortal invasion of the United Systems Alliance!

[cleanupcrew]

Planet New Orleans, Louisiana, United Systems Alliance


The Immortal War has finally arrived at the United Systems home systems, on the southern urban swamp planet of New Orleans.


A massive anti-Immortal allied force has assembled on the outskirts of the city in preparation for the inevitable Immortal invasion force.


General Harrison Rhoades: Look out boys, they're coming here. I can smell 'em.


No sooner had he said that when the Immortal invasion force and its allies finally made landfall.


Sigma Shard: Hehehe, we're just here to have fun on the ground, the fleet will glass this whole place in 5 turns anyway.

Factions:
USA: Silent-sigfig

Units: General Harrison Rhoades (hero), 1 Red Beret, 11 troops, a hardsuit, a tank, a mecha, a helicopter

Trattoria: Colette

Units: 1 soldier (hero), 10 drones, 1 dreadnut

Assyria + Scythia: Scratch

Units: 6 Scythians (guy with star on helmet is officer), 8 Assyrians, 1 Assyrian major (hero), an Assyrian dreadnut

Immortal Sigma Legion: Bookwyrm

Units: Sigma Shard (hero), 2 Terrorkhan, 1 Optio (officer), 2 Heavies, 12 Phalanxes, a speeder bike, a tank, a VTOL
Notes: Can call in 1 airstrike during the game.

Britannians: Theblackdog

Units: 1 officer (hero), 4 infantry, 4 jetpack troops (the red beret is an officer), a Knightmare mecha

Time-Traveling Super Jews: Silverdream

Units: 4 troops, 1 heavy, 1 officer (hero)

VoL: Quantumsurfer

Units: 4 troops, 1 King Sigmund (hero)

Overview.

Turn order: Silent-sigfig (USA), Colette (Trattoria), Theblackdog (Britannia), Quantumsurfer (VoL), Scratch (Assyria/Scythia), Bookwyrm (Immortals), Silverdream (TTSJs)

[cleanupcrew]

Turn 1
USA


General Rhoades rappels down the washer's line...


...down into the tank, helping the gunner fire the main cannon at the Immortal VTOL.


Unfortunately, even with the help of the USA helicopter, the VTOL doesn't even scratch its paint job.


The USA mech then takes it turn at the Immortal tank.


The Ishmael tank is less lucky, taking a point of size damage.


One squad of troops and the Red Beret flagrantly violate the Third Amendment by busting into the restaurant and taking refuge inside.


The other USA squad moves up and fires on the Phalanxes.


Despite their shielding, two of them bite the dust.

[cleanupcrew]

Trattoria

Everyone combines fire on the Immortal Phalanxes.


Two more bite the dust.

[cleanupcrew]

Britannia

The Knightmare hops over the barrier, stomping on 2 Trattorian drones and disrupting the other 3.


It then fires its steam gatling point blank into the Tratt dreadnut, annihilating it in a single hit.


The rocket troops shoot out the window for the nearest building and fly in.


The other troops move up, firing and destroying 4 more Tratt drones.


View from the USA side so far (just seemed like a cool pic).

[cleanupcrew]

VoL

King Sigmund: DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BROS?
The mad VoL king bellows as he hoists the lawnmower and the lady attached to it.


He successfully throws it at a USA soldier, the mower landing blades-first. Through this action, his VoL soldiers understand to fire at the USA squad.


Two more die from the rifle fire.

[cleanupcrew]

Assyrians/Scythians

The Assyrian squads move up behind tree cover and fire on the Immortals.


The overpowered Assyrian rifles manage to decimate the Immortal forces, even behind their shields, killing both heavies, the Optio, and 4 Phalanxes.


Major Anderson then gets onto the dreadnut's gun, preparing to use it as a springboard to jump...


She lands successfully on her target, the Immortal VTOL.


She uses her OTC to cut through into the cockpit, killing the pilot and taking control.


The Assyrian dread then uses its cannons to aim at the Britannian Knightmare's steam gatling.


It's successful, breaking the mighty weapon into inoperable pieces.


The Scythians move within walking distance of a building before firing on the Britannians.


They manage to wipe out the entire squad and the hero.

[cleanupcrew]

Immortals

The Sigma Shard grabs an old grandma by the ass and lights her on fire with his head flame.


He then jumps into an Assyrian squad, slam-dunking the burning grandma into the midst of it. Two Assyrians die from burning, another gets chopped in half by the Sigma Shard's halberd, and another is set on fire.


The 2 Terrorkhans clamber onto the Ishmael and try to snipe the Assyrian major. Although they hit, they fail to do enough damage.


The remaining Phalanxes fire on the USA trooper, killing him.


The Ishmael turns its main cannon, the red lights pulsating ominously.


The dreadnut takes one size point of damage.


The tank then fires one of its smaller cannons, killing two Tratt drones.


Finally, the speeder gets into position and revs its engine.


It rams into the Scythian squad, wiping the entire team out.

[cleanupcrew]

TTSJs

The TTSJ hero uses his jewish stereotype to offer his Florida retirement property to the alligators in order to get them to join him, and succeeds.


The others move up, with the troops firing while the heavy charges up his weapon for next turn.


The combined fire finally takes down the Assyrian dreadnut, with enough damage to kill the pilot within as well.

[cleanupcrew]

Overviews after Turn 1

[cleanupcrew]

USA

The troops in the restaurant sneak out through the back alley.


General Rhoades attempts a blood and guts feat to aim a tank shell straight into the center of the Britannian mech, but fails and instead clogs the barrel for the next turn.


The USA VTOL sneaks up behind the Immortal forces, but fails to mow down anyone.


The USA tank lets off a missile at the isolated Sigma Shard.


The Sigma Shard tanks the blast like a boss, because cool heroes don't look back at explosions.


The mecha then tries again with its size-3 side cannon.


This time the Sigma Shard isn't as lucky, meeting a temporary death.

[cleanupcrew]

Trattoria

The remaining Tratt units move up and fire on the VoL, killing one warrior.

[cleanupcrew]

Britannia

The Knightmare moves forward and grabs the USA helicopter by the tail.
USA Pilot: Wait, what the fu-


The Knightmare then throws it at the USA tank. The tank receives 2 points of size damage, while the helicopter receives 3 and has a rotor sheared off.

[Cakeman]

This is fantastic

[cleanupcrew]

VoL

King Sigmund grabs the wheelchair with a running start.


He then rams it full speed into one of the drones, smashing it apart.


The warriors follow suit, aiming at the remaining Trattorians.


Trattorians eliminated