ROBO-DEATHMATCH

[ArchyX74]

QS Archy- Steve we rolling?
Steve- Just. A second... Got it! We're rolling!
QS Archy- Great! Get over here then!


QS Archy- *humming*
Steve- This is gonna be good.


Steve- Mic's on, we're good to go.
QS Archy- Got it. *clears throat*


QS Archy- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO RRRRRRROBO DEATHMAAAATCH!! Tonight, will be the time of your lives! Because tonight, we have 8 mean. some green some not. fighting machines! They'll be duking it out in the arena to see who will become. THE CHAMPION OF THE SCRAP HEEEEEAP!!


QS Archy- But first. I hope you all signed those waivers. If you're sitting in a front row seat at the arena, we will not be held responsible for any fatalities you suffer. Same goes for those who entered into this contest, we will not be-


QS Archy- Wait a sec. Steve, we did hand out waivers to the audience and our contenders right?
Steve- Nope.


QS Archy- oh.
Steve- Yeah if something happens we'll be in a lotta legal trouble.
QS Archy- Fuck.


QS Archy- Ahem... Let's just. Go see who our contenders are...


QS Archy- on the holo-vid here, we have our contenders already at the ready to duke it out! Let's go get those interviews now eh?


QS Archy- He's big, he's chunky, he's boozed up and ready to fill his opponents with lead. IT'S A DREADNUUUUUUT!!


QS Archy- So tell me big guy, what brings you to this part of the brikverse?
Dreadnut- *drunken mumbling*
QS Archy- ...
Dreadnut- *snoring*
QS Archy- Right then... Um. Good luck in the ring I guess. Next contestant.


QS Archy- Hailing from another universe altogether, he somehow found his way to ours and is ready to "axe" his opponents a question! IT'S MF0 ATLAS!!


QS Archy- Seriously though how the fuck did you get here?
MF0 Atlas- Transit gate was keyed into the wrong coords. Spat me out in this garbage heap instead of where I was supposed to have gone. Better than getting blown to pieces by a mobile armor I guess.
QS Archy- If you didn't want to get blown up then why are you here?
MF0 Atlas- I dunno. Got bored sitting around doing nothing I guess.
QS Archy- Fair enough. Moving on now!


QS Archy- By complete coincidence, our next contender ALSO happens to be titled Atlas! However, this one aint a mobile frame. Instead it's an assault mech ready to scout it's next opponent! WE HAVE MW/BT ATLAS!!


QS Archy- Seems like we have not one but two Atlases here today! How do you feel about that?
MW/BT Atlas- I vant to scout zhem. Zhey could be a vorthy opponent.
QS Archy- Okay then. Also, might I ask, are you of house Steiner? You got a pretty thick German accent there.
MW/BT Atlas- Ja. I get zhat a lot.
QS Archy- Well, that clears that up then, good luck on your "scouting". Up next we haaaaaave...


QS Archy- Also hailing from the clans, we have another battlemech! Prowling onto the field, we haaaave... MADCAAAAT!!


QS Archy- So uh, probably should've asked before but, which do you prefer to be called? Madcat or timberwolf?
Madcat- *meow*
QS Archy- Did... did you just meow?
Madcat- No comment.
QS Archy- Right... Well Madcat it is then. Next.


QS Archy- Coming straight from the desolated wastes of the once great Trattoria, he's mean, he's not so green, he's ready for a brootalisin'. IT'S BROOTAL DRONE!!!


Brootal Drone- I'M GONNA BROOTALISE DEM PANZIES! STARTING WITH YOU!
QS Archy- Woah, easy there! I'm not a contender! I'm just gonna move on I don't feel safe near this guy.
Brootal Drone- DATS RIGHT RUN COWARD!


QS Archy- Jumping straight out of the weekly Action-Frame magazines, he's got a big fuckin sword and he's ready to slice and dice! IT'S THE DEMON HUNTEEEEER!!


QS Archy- So you're a demon hunter eh? What brings you here then? Aint any demons in this part of the brikverse.
Demon Hunter- I heard there was a contest to find the best of the best. I thought it might be a satisfying challenge, so I signed up.
QS Archy- Fair point. Anything else to say?
Demon Hunter- May the best swords-machine win.
QS Archy- Well good luck out there then. You'll be needing it. Onto our second-to-last contender.


QS Archy- They've just come into existence, they haven't had a field test yet. We got ourselves A CYBERBOOOOOT!


QS Archy- So. You were practically born yesterday, correct?
Cyberbot- Affirmative.
QS Archy- And what brings you here then?
Cyberbot- Combat test.
QS Archy- Copy that. Onto our last contender now, we got a pointy one.


QS Archy- It's a prickly pincushion, it's ready to stab holes in anything that moves, get ready fooooooor. THE SHANK-MOBILE!!!


QS Archy- Steve!? WHY IS IT AFTER ME!?
Steve- It's programmed to shank everything in sight remember! Why did you think interviewing it would be a good idea?
QS Archy- I don't know! I hoped to find out if it had some form of sentience but I guess not NOW TURN THIS THING OFF SO I CAN GET DOWN FROM HERE!!!


QS Archy- *gasp* *wheeze*
Steve- You good?
QS Archy- NO.
Steve- Oh come on it wasn't that bad.


QS Archy- WASN'T THAT BAD!? You try getting chased by a robot COVERED in stabby bits that wants to SHANK YA!
Steve- Camera's rolling by the way.


QS Archy- Wait wha- Oh fuck.


QS Archy- *clears throat*


QS Archy- SO THERE YOU HAVE IT LADIES AND GENTS! Our 8 contenders for the night, all vying for the title of King of the Scrap Heap!
Steve- I'm gonna go get ready.


QS Archy- Get yourselves some popcorn and maybe a hotdog, get seated, and get READY FOR RRRRRRRROBO DEATHMAAAAATCH!!!


QS Archy- That it?
Steve- Yup, we're done. camera's off.
QS Archy- God I could really go for a beer right now.
Steve- It'll have to wait, you got some commentating to do.
QS Archy- FUCK.

Place your bets everyone, this battle's gonna be fuckin metal (heh)!

Who will win? And who will end up a smoking pile of scrap? Stay tuned to find out!

[ArchyX74]

Gather round one and all! The first fight of the night is about to begin!

In the left field, keep your alcohol close people, we have one boozed up Dreadnut! And in the right field, with his axe and smooth bore gun at the ready, give it up for MF0 ATLAS!!! FIGHT.

Highest initiative roll: MF0 Atlas

Winning the initiative roll, the Atlas boosts into combat, priming and loading the smooth bore gun! Will the shot go through?
MF0 Atlas- Shot loaded, target acquired.
Dreadnut- *drunken snoring*

MF0 Atlas attack roll failed.

OOH. The shot merely glances off the Dreadnut's thick armor plating!
Dreadnut- ACK. WHAT. WHERE AM I. WHAT IS THIS SHIT.
MF0 Atlas- Shit, no penetration.
Dreadnut- YOU SHOT ME?! FUCKER COME HERE.
MF0 Atlas- Uuuuuuuuh...

MF0 Atlas turn end. Dreadnut turn start.

Looks like that shot also woke our dozing buddy! Let's see what he does!
Dreadnut- Gonna... get down and... Burn both of ye... *buuuuurp*
MF0 Atlas- Is this blighter drunk!?

Dreadnut moves in range to attack.

Dreadnut- Oh it's on like-*buuuuurp* Let's see how ye like...

Dreadnut prepares to start a BBQ.

MF0 Atlas- Is that a flamethrower?
Dreadnut- FIRRRRRE!!

The fire fails to do any significant damage whatsoever.

MF0 Atlas- Motherfucker now I can't see!

MF0 Atlas winds up for an attack with the axe.

MF0 Atlas- Alright, my turn.

The attack hits yet fails to damage.

That dreadnut has some seriously thick armor! I don't think anything's getting through it anytime soon!
Dreadnut- OW. FUCKER.
MF0 Atlas- WHAT ARE YOU MADE OF!?

The dreadnut rolls a critical success.

Dreadnut- Cmere, fuckin. Piece of shit.
MF0 Atlas- Get your claw off me!

Mf0Atlas- OH FUUUUUUUUUCK
MF0 ATLAS HAS JUST BEEN LIFTED OF HIS FEET! I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING RIGHT NOW!!
Dreadnut- Let's see how you *buuuuurp* like a round plugged in ya.

MF0 Atlas- AGH
Dreadnut- KABLAM
OOH THAT'S GONNA HURT!

MF0 Atlas- MOTHER. FUCKER. YOU BLEW MY LEG OFF YOU BASTARD.
Dreadnut- gon' ta go with YOUUUURRP tickets haha!

MF0 Atlas- Oh fu-

Dreadnut- KAAABEEEEEEEWM!!
HOLY SHITBALLS WHAT A BLAST!!

Dreadnut victory. FATALITY.

Dreadnut- WOOOOOO!! WOOO. woo.
Holy shitballs folks! HOLY. Shitballs. What a finale! Let's get down in the ring for some interviews shall we?


QS Archy- Couldn't help but notice you were asleep at the start, how much of what have you been drinking?
Dreadnut- A shite loada maniac beuuuuuurp.
QS Archy- Guess that explains it. You go sober up now, once the qualifiers are done we'll get onto the semi-finals right away.
Dreadnut- Aye aye *hic* whatever ya say.


QS Archy- So. How do you feel about all this?
MF0 Atlas- I lost. To a fucking drunk.
QS Archy- Well, it didn't go too bad did it?
MF0 Atlas- Didn't go too bad? Prick this went worse than I would've wanted it to. Getting blown up by a mobile armor, at least I died fighting a strong opponent and got to keep my dignity. Getting blown up here? By a DRUNK!?

Dreadnut- *drunken snoring*
MF0 Atlas- I AM FUCKIN LIVID.
QS Archy- Point made. Well I'm just gonna wrap things up here, Steve'll put you back together in no time.


QS Archy- So there you have it folks! The absolute unit that is the Dreadnut prevails! Sit tight now, because as soon as cleanup detail is done with, we'll be moving on to the second fight! MW/BT Atlas, and Madcat! Stay tuned to find out what happens then!

[MadMario]

[ArchyX74]

Boys, girls, and whatever other fuckin pronouns there are, get ready because it's time for the second fight!

On the left, he's tall, he's menacing, he's ready to scout his opponent till they can't move no more! Let's hear it for MW/BT Atlaaaaas! And on the right, ready to pounce at any moment, is it a kitty? is it a wolf? Who the fuck knows? IT'S MADCAT!
FIGHT

MW/BT Atlas scores initiative

MW/BT Atlas- Target in sight, commence scouting.

Attack roll failed.

Madcat- Ack!
MW/BT Atlas- Scheibe. A dud.
We have our first shot everyone! Shame it didn't get through.

Madcat attack roll critical success.

MW/BT Atlas- AH NEIN. SCHEIBE.
Madcat- HE-AP bitch!
HOLY CANNOLI ATLAS LOST AN ARM!!

MW/BT Atlas- You von't get- Vait. Vhat is zhat buzzing? VHAT ZE FUCK!? AAAGH GOD HELP ME ZHERE ARE BEES IN MY COCKPIT!!
Uh oh! Madcat's taking the chance to pounce while his opponent is occupied with bees!

MW/BT Atlas- VHERE ZE FAHCK IS ZE FLAMMENVERFER!?
Madcat- Allow me.

MW/BT Atlas- ACK MEIN HEAD!
LOOKS LIKE ATLAS HAS LOST HIS HEAD! HOLY SHIT THAT WAS A QUICK ONE!

Madcat victory. FATALITY.

Madcat- AWOOOOOOOOOOO
Folks, that went by damn fast! Unfortunate for our saurkraut buddy who got a-head of himself a little bit. God rest his soul. Oh no wait he's a robot. Hey Steve do robots have souls? Really? Huh. Never thought about it that way. Anyways let's get those interviews over with and clear up for the next fight!


QS Archy- So, earlier you meowed at me like a kitten. Now you've just howled like a wolf. I guess you have no preference?
Madcat- Nope.
QS Archy- Well that clears that whole shebang up now. Anything you wanna say about the fight?
Madcat- I know what it's like to have bees in the cockpit. It aint fun.
QS Archy- Great. Well let's go a-head and talk with your opponent.
Madcat- Just. Stop. Your jokes are shit.


QS Archy- Looks like you lost your head there buddy!
MW/BT Atlas- Nein. No more. Zhe bees vhere enough already.
QS Archy- Fair enough. So how often would you say you get bees in the cockpit?
MW/BT Atlas- More often zhan I vould like to admit.
QS Archy- Fair enough. You sit tight now, Steve'll help you re-attach your head.


QS Archy- There you have it folks! Another thrilling fight! And a few debates cleared up too. Go get yourselves a bathroom break, maybe even refill that box of nachos you got when you came in, and stay tuned for fight three of RRRRRROBO DEATHMAAAATCH!!

[Screech]

I have some fitting music for the fights right here

and boy this battle report is Ossum

[ArchyX74]

apologies for the delay in getting the third fight up, real life shite happened and had to be sorted out. But hey, here it is now so let's get on with it.

I have some fitting music for the fights right here

Also this music absolutely slaps, it's perfect!
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Folks, I hope you're all done with your resupply of nachos, popcorn, and whatever other snacks you been eating, it's time for fight number 3!

On the left, he's mean, he might not be green but he can still brootalise ya. IT'S THE BROOTAL DRONE! And on the right, straight out of your favourite comic book, he has a big ass sword and he's ready to slice and dice! DEMON HUNTEEEEEEEER!!
FIGHT.

Demon hunter wins initiative

Looks like our melee focused friend here's leaping into battle! If he had any ranged weapons, he might've been able to land the first blow.
Demon hunter- All I need is my sword. Nothing else.


A sick ass slide from the action-frame!


Brootal Drone- TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME TELEPHONE POLE!!

Critfail.

Uh oh, that doesn't look good.
Brootal Drone- OH FUUUU-

OOH. NOW THAT'S EMBARESSING.
Brootal Drone- -UUUUUUCK
Demon hunter- What. In the fuck.

Brootal Drone- OW
Demon hunter- Is this guy for real? I expected more than this clown.

Brootal Drone- DAFUQ'D YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME YA GIT!? JUST WAIT TILL I GET UP, IMMA BROOTALISE YA!!
Demon hunter- ...

Demon hunter- *dissapointed sigh*
Brootal Drone- OKAY. okay. I... I might need help...
Hey um, Steve? Can you get down there and get him back up?

Steve- On the way. Sit tight buddy.
Brootal Drone- HAHA VERY FUNNY YA ORANGE FURRED GIT.
Demon hunter- You told me this would get serious.
Steve- I didn't. Archy did.

Steve- Up ya go.
Brootal Drone- YES! YES!!

Alright now those shenanigans are done, let's get on with the show.
Brootal Drone- BROOTALISIN TIME
Demon hunter- Alright then, let's try this again.


Demon hunter- My turn.

Attack roll failed.

WOAH! That's a helluva slash right there!
Brootal Drone- MISSED ME GIT
Demon hunter- I will end you.

Brootal drone critfails again.

Brootal Drone- FUCK
Demon hunter- Oh come on not this again...

Brootal Drone- I'LL BE UP IN A SECOND HANG ON
Dude just finish him already...
Demon hunter- I wanted an opponent who could fight. NOT the embodiment of poor slapstick humour.
Brootal Drone- I'M GONNA FUGGIN BROOTALISE YA FOR THAT
Just get on with it already ya sissy.

Demon hunter- Fine.
Brootal Drone- WHAT'RE YA-

Brootal Drone- FUCKER NOT AGAIN
Demon hunter victory. FATALITY.


QS Archy- Well uh, that was something.
Demon hunter- When you told me what to expect, I thought I'd be going against the best fighters this planet had to offer. NOT a malfunctioning drone.
QS Archy- Woah there, he isn't malfunctioning. Also, shoulda read the fine print buddy. This brikverse aint exactly a very serious place.
Demon hunter- You know what. Fuck you.
QS Archy- Yeah I get that one a lot. Moving on now.


QS Archy- Anything you'd like to say about the fight?
Brootal Drone- SECOND FUCKIN' TIME I'VE LOST MY HEAD
QS Archy- I guess you could say, you got a-head of yourself?

Brootal Drone- CMERE YA YELLOW PANZIE IMMA FUCKIN BROOTALISE YA!!
QS Archy- Steve! Ack, a little help!? STEVE!? CUT THE CAMERAS AND HELP ME!!!

[Screech]

now you don't have to spend as much on wages for your bloodsports hosts

[ArchyX74]

Oh I'm still very much alive. Chokeholds are nothing new to me but a drone doing it? I might as well be a sack of potatoes.

[ArchyX74]

apologies again for another late post, life and prokrastination are taking hold so I might be a while in getting the next fights done and photographed.
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LADYBOTS AND GENTLEBOTS! We apologise for the lateness in getting down to the final fight of the qualifiers, we had a few technical issues and Steve had family to visit, so fixing the arena took a while. Either way I hope you're all ready for a grand finale to our qualifying round!

On the left, he was practically born last month, it's cyberbot! And on the right, it's pointy, it's got no sentience whatsoever and it's ready to shank ya! SHANK-MOBILE!
FIGHT.

Cyberbot wins initiative.

looks like the cyberbot is off to a running start!
Cyberbot- Target acquired. Aiming primary weapon.

Attack roll failed.

Yikes, looks like somebody needs to check their targeting program!
Cyberbot- Shots missed. Updating aiming algorithms.


Sounds like the shank-mobile is revving up it's engine, cyberbot better watch out!



The shank-mobile is charging into battle! Cmon cyberbot, don't just stand there.
Cyberbot- Hostile approaching at high speed. Calculating dodge trajectory.

Attack roll failed.

Cyberbot dives out of the way last minute! What a dodge!
Cyberbot- Dodge successful. Calculating counter-attack.


Cyberbot- Ruminating. Revving OTC.

Attack roll failed.

A tactical reverse from the shank-mobile!
Cyberbot- Attack missed. Maintaining stable OTC rev.

Another failed attack.

Another close shave for cyberbot, this guy has some quick reaction timing!
Cyberbot- Calculating trajectory.


Cyberbot- Calculated. Charging hydraulics.

Attack roll, critical success.

Cyberbot- Approaching optimal velocity.

WOO THAT'S A FATALITY!! THAT'S WHATCHA GET YOU STUPID BRAINLESS PINCUSHION!!

Cyberbot- Hostile decapitated(?).

Cyberbot victory. FATALITY.

Cyberbot- Objective achieved. De-revving OTC.
WHAT A FINISH FOLKS! Let's wrap up the qualifiers with one last victory interview and then we'll have a look at the brackets!


QS Archy- So, for your first ever combat test, how would you say that went?
Cyberbot- Outcome favorable. Combat logs transmitted to manufacturer for further study.
QS Archy- Well, congratulations on showing that pincushion who's boss then. Anything you'd like to say personally?
Cyberbot- Hydraulics upgrade required. Requesting maintenance.
QS Archy- Right well uh, I guess we could have Steve take a look at you. In the meantime I'd say that's a wrap on the qualifiers!


QS Archy- Piecea shit, ya get what ya deserve.
Shank-mobile- *aggressive beep*
QS Archy- Huh?


QS Archy- OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUUUUUUCK!!! That's gonna be all for tonight folks, go get yourselves some merch from the respective counter and STEVE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TURN THIS THING OFF!!!!!!


Fuck. That. Pincushion... Eh? Mic still o- oh fuck. ahem. There we have it folks! This wraps things up for the qualifiers! In short, we have 4 strong contenders going into the semi-finals, the other 4 are currently in the shop getting repaired (and the fuckin shank-mobile getting reprogrammed, fuck that piece of shit). So without further ado, pick your fighters folks! The next fights are gonna be intense! Who will seize the crown? And who will end up as spare parts? Find out in the semi-finals, coming soon! Until then, I have been quantumsurfer Archy! And this is RRRRRRRROBO DEATHMAAAAAATCH!!!